Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

Dunroamin

balletshoes wrote: »

how is it a performance? instead of pushing/pulling the door handle to open the door, you turn a key and push/pull the handle .

Well, you need to remember to take a key with you everytime you leave the house to go into the garden, for a start!

Anyway, OT and it's probably just me.

balletshoes

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

it's safer to leave the door wide open as you give the impression that you're in.

that won't stop a burglar - just makes it even easier for them to whip in and out, taking whatever is nearest the open door.

Vicky123

balletshoes wrote: »

that won't stop a burglar - just makes it even easier for them to whip in and out, taking whatever is nearest the open door.

I recently had a patio door lock changed and the locksmith told me someone had been forcing the outside handle, wasn't really visible to me but he was certain it had been forced, it's quite hard to get over my back gate but could be done and I live in a very safe neighborhood.
That's why I'm amazed that anyone, living anywhere would think nothing of leaving the door unlocked, no matter how convenient.

Goldiegirl

I nearly always have the back door locked, even though I have the side gate bolted and live in statistically safe neighbourhood.

However, in the summer I do have the back door open when the weather is nice.

Soleil_lune

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I don't turn up at someone's house unannounced or wander into their home because the door was unlocked or even swinging wide open. It's not my house and whatever the occupants are doing inside is their business, whether the door is unlocked or not. I might be disturbing them so I ring in advance to check if it is ok to come by.

Likewise I expect a phonecall from anyone who wants to visit to find out if it is convenient to do so. For me respect for someone's privacy and space doesn't become a non-issue because they're family.

I find the only people in my life who have to be repeatedly told not to pitch up on spec are my parents. For some reason, they can't see why they shouldn't turn up any time they feel like it, and have gone as far as asking for a key so they can let themselves in.

However, usually I'm working from home, which for some reason is interpreted as the perfect opportunity to pop round on spec. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen them arrive without warning while I'm in the middle of a teleconference with my firm or a client, and they have to be told they can't stay.

It's certainly not for others to tell us what we 'should' be doing at certain times of day, such as watching TV in the evening, and therefore it should be ok to wander in without notice through an unlocked door.

I'm with the OP on this. OP can and should be able to do what she likes with her doors in her property. Distressed or not, a quick phonecall by the mum to the OP would have avoided this.

Agree with this 100%

Have to say though that when I was a kid, it seemed to be the done thing for someone to just turn up uninvited. Aunts, cousins, neighbours etc , and my mother said it really !!!!!! her off sometimes. Every day virtually, someone would turn up, and sit there drinking tea and coffee for an hour or more. For about 2 years, one of my aunts took it upon herself to come to our house for her lunch from work, nearly every day eating our food! My mother was in a lot, and didn't do paid work, but that didn't give anyone a right to use her like a servant, and our house like a bloody public house!

I hated it actually: always having someone turn up, expecting to be waited on, and expecting us to drop everything. And even now, I can't stand anyone coming round to my house uninvited. As someone said earlier in the thread, what if your house is untidy? Cat litter kicked onto the floor, pots and pans all over the kitchen? Pizza boxes lying about? Bits all over the floor? Nobody's perfect and many people have homes that are not perfectly clean all the time. And nobody wants someone coming in unexpectedly, in case their house needs a bit of a clean.

My other half's brother used to come round uninvited almost EVERY SUNDAY with his missus and two kids when we lived 3 miles from him (he lives abroad now thank goodness!) And they would come at around 1pm and stay til 4 or 5pm! Just sitting there eating us out of house and home, burping and farting, and making rude and sarcastic remarks, putting my OH down, bragging about how much money he had, and taking the p**s.

This one time I was ILL with flu, and my OH told him I was not well and so it wasn't a good time for them to come in. His brother said 'we'll only stay 10 minutes then.' They were at our house for TWO and a half HOURS. They only went when I said I am off to bed, and my OH said he needs to pop to the shops.

ANOTHER time I was poorly again, and they came, and promised to stay 'only a few minutes,' and were still there three hours later. My OH was going to work at 5.30pm, as he was on a 12 hour 6-6 nightshift at the time. I thought 'phew, at least I can have some peace now,' as I figured they would go soon.

They didn't budge. OH was getting ready and was almost ready to leave, and they just sat there. I followed him upstairs and said 'are they GOING?!' and he said 'I dunno!' So I came down and said 'I'm taking OH to work' so they would go. They still didn't move! I said, 'ummm I'll need to lock up.' His brother said 'well you'll only be twenty minutes won't you? We'll wait!' ARGH! It was like pulling teeth. I said 'well I may call at my parents for a bit on the way back. So I don't know how long I'll be.'

It got to the point where we started to go out at about midday and come back around three, to avoid them! (Thankfully the indoor shopping centre decided to open on Sundays!) Then they started to come at about half three or four INSTEAD, as they weren’t catching us in at midday or one. And they’d stay til six or seven! So we actually decided to start going to THEIR house on the Saturday afternoon for half hour to an hour in the hope they would stop coming to ours on Sunday.

It didn't work! So we decided to go in the kitchen at the back, and not answer the door. The first Sunday we did this, they came back every half hour for 2.5 hours! Then gave up. The phone rang 4 times too. Obviously them! As I said though, they moved abroad about 10 years ago. THANK GAWD! We tolerated this for about two years!

I would not DREAM of turning up uninvited to someone's house, and think it's the height of rudeness. It's not the 'old days' now: People are busy, people have jobs, people have plans, people have other commitments. Having people turn up uninvited is OK if you absolutely nothing to do with your time. Me personally; I am a very busy person with a busy life, and 80% of my week is planned meticulously. Someone turning up unexpectedly throws a spanner in the works most of the time, and makes me feel awkward when I have to say 'not a good time sorry.'

One neighbour turned up the other week, as me and my OH were off for the day Christmas shopping. We both had a day off together, and she turned up at about 10am, for a 'chat' (I saw her from the window, but she didn't see me.) I had to get OH to answer the door and say 'Sol is in the bathroom, just finishing off getting ready to go out.' She said 'oh sorry, is it a bad time to come in?' And he said 'well you can pop in for a few minutes if you want, but we're off in about 5 minutes. Pretty awkward.

It was 2 weeks ago, and I don't think she has called back since. Now if she had let me know first, I would have let her know when I was free, saving her wasting her time, and preventing any awkwardness.

Bennifred

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Agree with this 100%
.

Have you thought about assertiveness training?:) Just say "Now is not a good time" and don't let them in!!

scheming_gypsy

balletshoes wrote: »

that won't stop a burglar - just makes it even easier for them to whip in and out, taking whatever is nearest the open door.

not really. When the door is open you're telling a burglar that somebody is definitely in. If a door is closed there's a barrier between you and them so they have a head start if there's somebody in.
An open door should be easier for them, but in reality it's telling them there's somebody about and it's too risky.

balletshoes

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

not really. When the door is open you're telling a burglar that somebody is definitely in. If a door is closed there's a barrier between you and them so they have a head start if there's somebody in.
An open door should be easier for them, but in reality it's telling them there's somebody about and it's too risky.

what about a light on and the tv blaring?
because thats what was going on in my house a couple of years ago - OH was downstairs, lights on, tv on, and a burglar tried to get in our kitchen window - and he must have climbed 6 ft fences to get to our kitchen window, as its at the back of the house and theres no other access to it.

And what about cars that get nicked off driveways in the cold mornings because their owners have left the engine running while they nip back into the house for their bag/lunch etc? Leaving your doors/windows/car open is paradise for an opportunistic thief.

victory

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Agree with this 100%



One neighbour turned up the other week, as me and my OH were off for the day Christmas shopping. We both had a day off together, and she turned up at about 10am, for a 'chat' (I saw her from the window, but she didn't see me.) I had to get OH to answer the door and say 'Sol is in the bathroom, just finishing off getting ready to go out.' She said 'oh sorry, is it a bad time to come in?' And he said 'well you can pop in for a few minutes if you want, but we're off in about 5 minutes. Pretty awkward.

It was 2 weeks ago, and I don't think she has called back since. Now if she had let me know first, I would have let her know when I was free, saving her wasting her time, and preventing any awkwardness.

I wouldn't have called back either, she most probably felt very uncomfortable, popped in because she was lonely and went away feeling sad and rejected, sure all the awkwardness could have been prevented if she had let you known first but she probably just needed someone to talk to and never expected what happened.

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

I wouldn't have called back either, she most probably felt very uncomfortable, popped in because she was lonely and went away feeling sad and rejected, sure all the awkwardness could have been prevented if she had let you known first but she probably just needed someone to talk to and never expected what happened.

I agree with this - but then I'm very much a take-my-house-as-you-find-it kind of person - its never pristine, but its not dirty, and I don't judge others on whether they've done their dishes today or if theres laundry drying on the radiators etc.

If you were going out when your neighbour called over Soleil Lune, could you not have just said that, and there and then invited her back over later, or the next time you had free?