Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

jumpingjackd

quote: My Sil has a sign in her kitchen 'friends at any time, relations by appointment' as I always 'book' to visit and am always welcome!

I dont think Id be visiting at all with that attitude lol

Cottage_Economy

I don't turn up at someone's house unannounced or wander into their home because the door was unlocked or even swinging wide open. It's not my house and whatever the occupants are doing inside is their business, whether the door is unlocked or not. I might be disturbing them so I ring in advance to check if it is ok to come by. I would never, ever, try someone's door and if I found it unlocked just wander in. They could be stood at the sink in their underpants singing 'My Way' while doing elaborate raised leg farts - as is their absolute right to do so in the privacy of their own home. They shouldn't have worry about turning round and seeing me standing there open mouthed in shock.

Likewise I expect a phonecall from anyone who wants to visit to find out if it is convenient to do so. For me respect for someone's privacy and space doesn't become a non-issue because they're family. I give the respect out to all, I expect it back in return and cannot see why this is such a problem unless there is a specific prior arrangement with someone that they can come and go in this fashion, e.g. it's a different story if you are checking in on someone elderly or infirm and they have given you permission to come into their home at certain times to make sure they're ok.

I find the only people in my life who have to be repeatedly told not to pitch up on spec are my parents. For some reason, they can't see why they shouldn't turn up any time they feel like it, and have gone as far as asking for a key so they can let themselves in. The answer is no, always will be, and they need to ring in advance. If I or my husband want to bath in the middle of the day, have sex on the lobby rug, or pee with the bathroom door open we should be able to without fear that their heads will hove into view unexpectedly. However, usually I'm working from home, which for some reason is interpreted as the perfect opportunity to pop round on spec. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen them arrive without warning while I'm in the middle of a teleconference with my firm or a client, and they have to be told they can't stay.

It's certainly not for others to tell us what we 'should' be doing at certain times of day, such as watching TV in the evening, and therefore it should be ok to wander in without notice through an unlocked door.

I'm with the OP on this. OP can and should be able to do what she likes with her doors in her property. Distressed or not, a quick phonecall by the mum to the OP would have avoided this.

Vicky123

An unlocked door is effectively an open door, an open door is an open invitation, that was the slogan for householders to ensure safety.
All those people who are happy to leave back doors unlocked have also had the problem of their mother walking in on them not once but three times, having a conversation with mother at this point about phoning ahead is unnecessarily awkward.

Cottage_Economy

Vicky123 wrote: »

An unlocked door is effectively an open door, an open door is an open invitation, that was the slogan for householders to ensure safety.
All those people who are happy to leave back doors unlocked have also had the problem of their mother walking in on them not once but three times, having a conversation with mother at this point about phoning ahead is unnecessarily awkward.

An unlocked door is not a personal invitation to wander into someone's home at will and without notice. It astounds me that people are white-washing the mother's lack of respect for her daughter's and son-in-law's privacy in their own home, and instead choose to focus on the issue of the unlocked door. If the OP chooses to leave her door unlocked and is burgled, that's the burglar's fault for being an utter thieving scumbag not the OP's fault for leaving her door unlocked. If the mother chooses to wander in through an unlocked door it's the mother who is at fault and has shown a lack of respect for her daughter, and for that matter her son-in-law.

I think the OP's mother knew that OP likes someone to phone in advance, but like many parents they think it doesn't apply to them as they gave birth to the person. Having a child and wiping their bottom while they were growing up does not give a parent the right to wander into their child's home when they please as an adult, especially so if they are married or living with someone because it is someone else's home and not just their child's. It's disrespecting the other person too.

lostinrates

Vicky123 wrote: »

An unlocked door is effectively an open door, an open door is an open invitation, that was the slogan for householders to ensure safety.

I can agree its poor security.

But an open invitation? For a start, how does any one know a closed door is locked or unlocked until they have tried to transgress on manners by trying the door?

Dunroamin

Vicky123 wrote: »

An unlocked door is effectively an open door, an open door is an open invitation, that was the slogan for householders to ensure safety.
All those people who are happy to leave back doors unlocked have also had the problem of their mother walking in on them not once but three times, having a conversation with mother at this point about phoning ahead is unnecessarily awkward.

Leaving aside this particular problem, I'm amazed that there are people who lock themselves into their houses except when they go to bed - I'd never dream of doing that unless I lived in a very rough inner city area with loads of crime. What a performance to keep locking/unlocking every time you want to let the dog out or go and pick some herbs when you're cooking. I couldn't live like that.

paulineb_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

Leaving aside this particular problem, I'm amazed that there are people who lock themselves into their houses except when they go to bed - I'd never dream of doing that unless I lived in a very rough inner city area with loads of crime. What a performance to keep locking/unlocking every time you want to let the dog out or go and pick some herbs when you're cooking. I couldn't live like that.

Yes. I do. And I do live in a pretty rough area, However in the time Ive lived here, Ive never had anyone attempt to burgle me, however, I live in a flat that has only one door and it also has a yale lock, so unless I leave the door off the latch, it locks itself when I come in. I dont need to turn a key after Ive let myself in, the door just shuts and its automatically locked. Its really no big deal to me, in fact Im used to it, I dont even keep the door off the latch when I go a few feet away to put rubbish down the bit chute, just habit. Its one turn of a key that lets me back in, takes all of 5 seconds.

balletshoes

Dunroamin wrote: »

Leaving aside this particular problem, I'm amazed that there are people who lock themselves into their houses except when they go to bed - I'd never dream of doing that unless I lived in a very rough inner city area with loads of crime.
What a performance to keep locking/unlocking every time you want to let the dog out or go and pick some herbs when you're cooking. I couldn't live like that.

how is it a performance? instead of pushing/pulling the door handle to open the door, you turn a key and push/pull the handle .

Georgiegirl256

Dunroamin wrote: »

Leaving aside this particular problem, I'm amazed that there are people who lock themselves into their houses except when they go to bed - I'd never dream of doing that unless I lived in a very rough inner city area with loads of crime. What a performance to keep locking/unlocking every time you want to let the dog out or go and pick some herbs when you're cooking. I couldn't live like that.

Oh it such a hardship to have to lock/unlock a door!

There's a saying that charity begins at home, yeah, we'll so does safety, and if you go upstairs to the bathroom or whatever, and someone walks in, then yes, the intruder is a total scumbag for entering, but ultimately it's the house owners fault for leaving their property in a vulnerable situation. Not sure how that would go down with the insurance company.

Like you, I don't live in a rough inner city area, but I like to know if I go upstairs for a bath or right to the top in the loft (husbands office) that I can be assured that no one is in my house when I get back down.

Mojisola

Vicky123 wrote: »

An unlocked door is effectively an open door, an open door is an open invitation, that was the slogan for householders to ensure safety.

lostinrates wrote: »

I can agree its poor security.

But an open invitation? For a start, how does any one know a closed door is locked or unlocked until they have tried to transgress on manners by trying the door?

I think it was one of those government public safety campaigns suggesting people don't make life easier for thieves by leaving doors unlocked.

I don't think campaigns telling thieves not to do it work very well so the onus is on householders to be security minded.