Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

neverdespairgirl

If people turn up unexpectedly, I reckon they're not in a position to care if your house or flat is untidy / breakfast dishes out / washing hung up to dry. So I wouldn't really care, myself.

Soleil_lune

victory wrote: »

I wouldn't have called back either, she most probably felt very uncomfortable, popped in because she was lonely and went away feeling sad and rejected, sure all the awkwardness could have been prevented if she had let you known first but she probably just needed someone to talk to and never expected what happened.

Oh PLEASE! Don't be so dramatic! This is what happens when you turn up uninvited to peoples houses! The chance that they will be busy or on their way out! You can't expect people to just drop everything for you.

My husband and I had a day off together, and had been planning it for weeks, and were on our way OUT in a few minutes. Do you suggest we put off the plans we made many weeks before, (that we had to book time off for,) for someone who calls with no warning or notice?

If you are going to turn up without warning, and then feel 'sad and rejected' because you weren't let in, then I suggest you have much bigger issues in your life, that will take more than a 'chat' to one of your neighbours.

RobotsinDisguse

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

This thread is making me want to get a dog. A large one. With teeth. Big ones. To chase off all these friends and family who think it is ok to wander into my home if I've popped into the greenhouse for 10 minutes and left the back door on the latch.

I completely agree with all you've said Cottage.. And this thread has made me feel quite out of sorts! Op I really feel for you. Yes be safe and lock up, but really your mum needs to respect your wishes, and the home of your bf.

The way i see it is that If your friend or family member cares for you at all then surely they don't want to make you uncomfortable... So they should phone ahead!

I've a 'friend' who does not understand this and refuses to see my side of it or respect my feelings. She believes she is right to call round when ever she wants to without even texting first. I have had to ask her to leave on several occasions sadly (as I've been going to work etc).

A few years ago it came to a head. My husband was in & out of the shed, I was in the shower.... I came down to get warm undies from the drier (wearing a towel) and found her 25yr old son standing in my kitchen!!:eek: I don't know who was more surprised or embarrassed!

I talked it over with her and she still can't see why I have an "issue" with unannounced callers or with people just walking in! We have agreed to disagree.

Soleil_lune

RobotsinDisguse wrote: »

I completely agree with all you've said Cottage.. And this thread has made me feel quite out of sorts! Op I really feel for you. Yes be safe and lock up, but really your mum needs to respect your wishes, and the home of your bf.

The way i see it is that If your friend or family member cares for you at all then surely they don't want to make you uncomfortable... So they should phone ahead!

I've a 'friend' who does not understand this and refuses to see my side of it or respect my feelings. She believes she is right to call round when ever she wants to without even texting first. I have had to ask her to leave on several occasions sadly (as I've been going to work etc).

A few years ago it came to a head. My husband was in & out of the shed, I was in the shower.... I came down to get warm undies from the drier (wearing a towel) and found her 25yr old son standing in my kitchen!!:eek: I don't know who was more surprised or embarrassed!

I talked it over with her and she still can't see why I have an "issue" with unannounced callers or with people just walking in! We have agreed to disagree.

AGAIN, I agree! It baffles me totally why people think it's OK to just turn up willy-nilly and expect you to just drop anything and everything, no matter WHAT you had got planned. And it's not helped when people try to make you feel like sh*t if you don't change your plans for them, suggesting the person will be 'rejected' and 'dejected and sad.'

Like I said, people who think you absolutely SHOULD drop everything, and bend over backwards, and give your heart and soul and all your time to the person who turns up uninvited (and you're a bad person if you don't,) obviously have lots of free time and not much to do in their life. Otherwise, they wouldn't be saying what they're saying

I feel for the OP too.

Thought Cottage's post was most amusing in part BTW - particularly this part that you quoted

"This thread is making me want to get a dog. A large one. With teeth. Big ones. To chase off all these friends and family who think it is ok to wander into my home if I've popped into the greenhouse for 10 minutes and left the back door on the latch."

Edited to say, that I will pop round to see the neighbour soon. It's just finding the time. I'm not gonna just not bother with her. It's just finding the time. I will prob pop a note though her door, saying I will pop round *** day morning next week if it's convenient for her, and to let me know if not. I still stand by what I say though, that you shouldn't pop round uninvited and then complain or be 'hurt and sad' if you're not let in.

balletshoes

RobotsinDisguse wrote: »

I completely agree with all you've said Cottage.. And this thread has made me feel quite out of sorts! Op I really feel for you. Yes be safe and lock up, but really your mum needs to respect your wishes, and the home of your bf.

The way i see it is that If your friend or family member cares for you at all then surely they don't want to make you uncomfortable... So they should phone ahead!

I've a 'friend' who does not understand this and refuses to see my side of it or respect my feelings. She believes she is right to call round when ever she wants to without even texting first. I have had to ask her to leave on several occasions sadly (as I've been going to work etc).

A few years ago it came to a head. My husband was in & out of the shed, I was in the shower.... I came down to get warm undies from the drier (wearing a towel) and found her 25yr old son standing in my kitchen!!:eek: I don't know who was more surprised or embarrassed!

I talked it over with her and she still can't see why I have an "issue" with unannounced callers or with people just walking in! We have agreed to disagree.

I don't think there are many (or any) people who have posted on this thread who would think its okay for someone to wander in to your home unannounced if you've already told that person not to, to call/text/first. Thats overstepping the boundary, in my opinion.

But clearly, as is seen on this thread, this is one of those things where people have different opinions on whether its okay to visit or pop in without making arrangements first.

balletshoes

Soleil_lune wrote: »

AGAIN, I agree! It baffles me totally why people think it's OK to just turn up willy-nilly and expect you to just drop anything and everything, no matter WHAT you had got planned. And it's not helped when people try to make you feel like sh*t if you don't change your plans for them, suggesting the person will be 'rejected' and 'dejected and sad.'

Like I said, people who think you absolutely SHOULD bend over backwards and give your heart and soul and all your time to the person who turns up uninvited (and you're a bad person if you don't,) obviously have lots of free time and not much to do in their life. Otherwise, they wouldn't be saying what they're saying

I feel for the OP too.

Thought Cottage's post was most amusing in part BTW - particularly this part that you quoted

"This thread is making me want to get a dog. A large one. With teeth. Big ones. To chase off all these friends and family who think it is ok to wander into my home if I've popped into the greenhouse for 10 minutes and left the back door on the latch."

i think theres a middle ground though - and i think loads of us fit into that middle ground between "i have every minute of every day filled with plans" and "i have lots of free time and not much to do in my life". I'm out of the house for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Yes, I have things to do at home/on the weekend, plans made for some of that time etc, but it doesn't take up every waking minute, so if a family member, close friend, or good neighbour pops in for a chat and/of a coffee, its fine with me - I can spare that hour or so. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that you change your plans for someone who has just popped in, just tell them, as you did, that you're just going out, but that you'll see them later (and then see them later).

I just don't see that it needs to be a big deal.

Cottage_Economy

Soleil_lune wrote: »

My other half's brother used to come round uninvited almost EVERY SUNDAY with his missus and two kids when we lived 3 miles from him (he lives abroad now thank goodness!) And they would come at around 1pm and stay til 4 or 5pm! Just sitting there eating us out of house and home, burping and farting, and making rude and sarcastic remarks, putting my OH down, bragging about how much money he had, and taking the p**s....

....It got to the point where we started to go out at about midday and come back around three, to avoid them! (Thankfully the indoor shopping centre decided to open on Sundays!) Then they started to come at about half three or four INSTEAD, as they weren’t catching us in at midday or one. And they’d stay til six or seven! So we actually decided to start going to THEIR house on the Saturday afternoon for half hour to an hour in the hope they would stop coming to ours on Sunday....

....It didn't work! So we decided to go in the kitchen at the back, and not answer the door. The first Sunday we did this, they came back every half hour for 2.5 hours! Then gave up. The phone rang 4 times too. Obviously them! As I said though, they moved abroad about 10 years ago. THANK GAWD! We tolerated this for about two years!

This made me laugh because we had exactly the same thing with two of my father's cousins, except it would be entirely random Sundays. Sometimes every Sunday for a month, then nothing for a couple of weeks, then back they were, then off again. Nothing my father would say would put them off, even being blunt and him saying they were disturbing us and we wanted to spend Sunday alone as a family. They wouldn't arrange a specific date so we could be prepared, as they "wouldn't know what they were doing from one weekend to the next"

We used to like to sit down on a Sunday to a roast lunch, looked forward to it all week, and they would arrive out of the blue usually just as it was dished up . 12pm, 2pm, 5pm, 7pm - no matter how randomised we made it they were like the Bisto kids following the smell of beef gravy. Then they started bringing their children!! And then one of the kids' friends came with them one week.

Eventually we had enough. One Sunday as we sat down to lunch the doorbell went. My father instructed my mother, me and my sister out of the kitchen to where we couldn't be seen. They rang, they banged, they shouted, whistled, the kids yelled, and kicked the door. Eventually we heard them creak open the letter box and "coooeeeee" through it.

What they would have seen directly in their eyeline was four plates of steaming roast dinner on the table and no-one around. The distance between the kitchen and the letterbox was the length of one short passageway so there is no way they didn't see the food.

It took three Sundays of this before they got the message.

We never saw or heard from them again. But one of their ignorant brats damaged the paint on the front door kicking it.

Soleil_lune

balletshoes wrote: »

i think theres a middle ground though - and i think loads of us fit into that middle ground between "i have every minute of every day filled with plans" and "i have lots of free time and not much to do in my life". I'm out of the house for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Yes, I have things to do at home/on the weekend, plans made for some of that time etc, but it doesn't take up every waking minute, so if a family member, close friend, or good neighbour pops in for a chat and/of a coffee, its fine with me - I can spare that hour or so. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that you change your plans for someone who has just popped in, just tell them, as you did, that you're just going out, but that you'll see them later (and then see them later).

I just don't see that it needs to be a big deal.

We will have to agree to differ. We are all different, and what works for one, does not necessarily work for another.

Soleil_lune

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

This made me laugh because we had exactly the same thing with two of my father's cousins, except it would be entirely random Sundays. Sometimes every Sunday for a month, then nothing for a couple of weeks, then back they were, then off again. Nothing my father would say would put them off, even being blunt and him saying they were disturbing us and we wanted to spend Sunday alone as a family. They wouldn't arrange a specific date so we could be prepared, as they "wouldn't know what they were doing from one weekend to the next"

We used to like to sit down on a Sunday to a roast lunch, looked forward to it all week, and they would arrive out of the blue usually just as it was dished up . 12pm, 2pm, 5pm, 7pm - no matter how randomised we made it they were like the Bisto kids following the smell of beef gravy. Then they started bringing their children!! And then one of the kids' friends came with them one week.

Eventually we had enough. One Sunday as we sat down to lunch the doorbell went. My father instructed my mother, me and my sister out of the kitchen to where we couldn't be seen. They rang, they banged, they shouted, whistled, the kids yelled, and kicked the door. Eventually we heard them creak open the letter box and "coooeeeee" through it.

What they would have seen directly in their eyeline was four plates of steaming roast dinner on the table and no-one around. The distance between the kitchen and the letterbox was the length of one short passageway so there is no way they didn't see the food.

It took three Sundays of this before they got the message.

We never saw or heard from them again. But one of their ignorant brats damaged the paint on the front door kicking it.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: That bolded sentence made me laugh!

OMG sounds SO much like some people I know. SOME I am actually related to too! They actually sound worse than my brother-in-law. And what a cheek that they wouldn't arrange anything, because they didn't know what THEY would be doing!!! I wonder why they never contacted you again though? Miffed at being 'rejected?

We tried to arrange specific times and dates with BIL AND SIL too, but they also would not have it, saying something similar.

My extended family rarely visit - as we live a couple of hours drive away now. And when they DO visit or we visit them, we arrange it a week in advance, so everyone knows what's what. Much better this way. My OH's brother used to drive me doolally.

Also, MY brother used to just turn up with his family with no warning too, albeit only about once every 3 months. Still used to annoy me though. It's like people think you must have no life, and have nothing else to do!

claire16c

Dunroamin wrote: »

Leaving aside this particular problem, I'm amazed that there are people who lock themselves into their houses except when they go to bed - I'd never dream of doing that unless I lived in a very rough inner city area with loads of crime. What a performance to keep locking/unlocking every time you want to let the dog out or go and pick some herbs when you're cooking. I couldn't live like that.

How often do you go in the garden though?

In the summer our back door is locked unless were in the garden that day.

In the winter we barely go outside so it's locked all the time.

I don't see why you'd open it unless you were going out? And then you'd just decide whether to lock it or not based on if you think you're going out there again.