Christmas guilt :(

meritaten

it used to be 'family tradition' that on boxing day my mum would do 'another Christmas dinner' as us grown up children would do our own. as Mum approached 75 we noticed she seemed to get more stressed and we decided (us 'kids' that is) that it was too much for her as the numbers of grandchildren and gt grandchildren grew! we said to her perhaps it would be best if she hosted a 'boxing day buffet lunch instead'. she agreed. (I think she was relieved). so now we take a 'contribution' to lunch she is asked nicely to make her trifle (legendary in the family).otherwise, she doesn't have to lift a finger as we insist on using all disposable plates etc! and my sis normally just puts in the oven anything which needs warming up and I do the 'minimal' tidying up.

[Deleted User]

ozma83 wrote: »

Every year, the same situation happens, and I end up feeling miserable and guilty.

I am one of those people who are not exactly crazy about Xmas at all: the songs make me sad, the forced happiness annoys me, the apparent need to 'rush around and spend least we forget anybody and offend them' depresses me.

I love Christmas - not the one you describe though - as I'm a Christian. All the stuff you describe above is entirely optional, so ease up on yourself

ozma83 wrote:

However, what makes me really miserable is something else.
My family (parents, siblings, etc) live in another country, and I usually don't go out to spend Xmas with them because of various reasons: some time ago I didn't even get holidays for Xmas in my workplace, now I do, but the flights are expensive, and also I have my boyfriend and my life here and feel bad about leaving them. My parents understand, and they are not the kind of people who would be cross with me if I didn't go, especially as I usually always go and visit in January; but I still feel terribly guilty, and I think a lot of it is due to the pressure I feel from 'outside' ie. you *have to* spend Xmas with your family, and if you don't you are a bad/lonely/undeserving person.

This is pressure and guilt you may have slipped into putting on yourself - as your family are OK with not seeing you on 25th December. Are you generally an anxious person? Or liable to beating yourself up for not being 'good enough'?

ozma83 wrote:

This is how I feel.

Is it really such a crime to choose not to go back for Xmas? Is it really horrible that I'd rather save the extra money I would need to fork out for the flights in this time of year?

Nope, not at all. Christmas is just one day, a religious festival, all the other trappings are self-inflicted tat

ozma83 wrote:

I just spoke to my mum, and I feel horrible. I have realised I've even started calling them less, just to avoid being faced with this.

By the way I have anxiety, which makes this even worse.

Any advice?

The problem is with your underlying anxiety and self-esteem maybe? Do you get help with your anxiety? I can recommend relaxation and CBT techniques.

You are a good person - you worry about your family's feelings. But imagine if a good friend told you the same story, you'd tell her to relax and be glad she has a lovely family who like to see her when she visits in January. You can be your own 'best friend' and enjoy your visit when you go.

[Deleted User]

paulineb wrote: »

Or phone a takeaway, you can still see one another without one member of the family slaving over the hot stove.

Please don't do this unless you absolutely have to - my husband works in the Indian restaurant business and contrary to general perceptions, the staff have lives, wives and families and often like to take a day off (if we're lucky, two!) to spend Christmas with them.

He's had phone calls at 11am on Christmas day to ask about takeaways...

Many south Asians are Christian, most Hindus & Muslims enjoy the festival as a day off too!

meritaten

for the same reason I wouldn't go out to eat on Christmas day! I think its awful that staff are forced to work on what should be a 'holiday'. It is ok to say 'oh go out to eat - but doesn't anyone think that those chefs, wait or bar staff wouldn't prefer to be at home with family? rather than 'waiting' on you?
When I was young 'Nothing' was open on Christmas day! you didn't expect it to be. I am yearly expecting it to become 'just another shopping day'! as some 'chains' such as 'Spar' are open.

Morglin

If staff get the choice to work or not work, no problem.

Some are ok with it, because it pays extra, but no one should be forced to work in, in a non essential industry.

Lin

duchy

meritaten wrote: »

for the same reason I wouldn't go out to eat on Christmas day! I think its awful that staff are forced to work on what should be a 'holiday'. It is ok to say 'oh go out to eat - but doesn't anyone think that those chefs, wait or bar staff wouldn't prefer to be at home with family? rather than 'waiting' on you?
When I was young 'Nothing' was open on Christmas day! you didn't expect it to be. I am yearly expecting it to become 'just another shopping day'! as some 'chains' such as 'Spar' are open.

I've worked the last six Christmas days -just a few hours and I take calls from home. I've always fitted it in around the festivities -eg early dinner (cooked by me) and then whilst everyone snoozed in front of the telly, played with presents etc I shut myself in the office and sorted out panicking parents who couldn't get new ipods and laptops to connect to the internet mainly -I lose count how often I get told I've "Saved Christmas" LOL. Then there's the odd call from those who are alone who ring with a fairly unimportant question (I suspect just to hear another human voice) and I'll chat a bit to them as the call flow is usually low. In a way I regard working Christmas day as a bit of "community service". I'm paid extra for it but in all honesty not enough to justify giving up my time on that day.
This year I've said I won't work it (but truth is if they roster on someone with young kids odds are I'll offer to swop shifts with them) as management have royally peed me off over some other issues and I'm making a point.

As for waitresses and chefs etc "not having to work it" odds are there will be plenty of people who will be working not because they choose to (and are legally entitled to say no) but because they want to keep their jobs ! Anyone who thinks otherwise is deluded. The F&B trade expects staff to be available for peak shifts regardless.

whitewing

Slightly off topic, but for the older generation finding Xmas a strain, don't forget that you can talk through complex (or simple!) feelings or situations with Silver Line

http://www.thesilverline.org.uk/

ozma83

Thanks for all your posts everyone.

Yes, I agree, if I really wanted to go I would make it happen. So my guilt comes from the fact that I enjoy being here in England for Xmas with my boyfriend and kitten, but feel that it's not right and I should prefer spending it with my parents like back in the day and because 'that's how Christmas is supposed to be'. The fact that flights cost extra just because it's Xmas is another thing on top of that that makes me not want to go. So I feel like a bad person because of that.

The other night after the conversation with my mum, I actually started crying... !!

Yes I have spoken to someone about my anxiety, and I am scheduled to have CBT in the new year. I hope it works

Mojisola

ozma83 wrote: »

So my guilt comes from the fact that I enjoy being here in England for Xmas with my boyfriend and kitten, but feel that it's not right and I should prefer spending it with my parents like back in the day and because 'that's how Christmas is supposed to be'. (

Honestly, learn to ignore "should"!

Do what's right for you!

MrsE_2

joolzred wrote: »

Please don't do this unless you absolutely have to - my husband works in the Indian restaurant business and contrary to general perceptions, the staff have lives, wives and families and often like to take a day off (if we're lucky, two!) to spend Christmas with them.

He's had phone calls at 11am on Christmas day to ask about takeaways...

Many south Asians are Christian, most Hindus & Muslims enjoy the festival as a day off too!

Either they will be open or closed.
If they are open there's no point them being there with no trade, if they are closed they won't answer the phone.