Christmas guilt :(

ozma83

Every year, the same situation happens, and I end up feeling miserable and guilty.

I am one of those people who are not exactly crazy about Xmas at all: the songs make me sad, the forced happiness annoys me, the apparent need to 'rush around and spend least we forget anybody and offend them' depresses me.
However, what makes me really miserable is something else.
My family (parents, siblings, etc) live in another country, and I usually don't go out to spend Xmas with them because of various reasons: some time ago I didn't even get holidays for Xmas in my workplace, now I do, but the flights are expensive, and also I have my boyfriend and my life here and feel bad about leaving them. My parents understand, and they are not the kind of people who would be cross with me if I didn't go, especially as I usually always go and visit in January; but I still feel terribly guilty, and I think a lot of it is due to the pressure I feel from 'outside' ie. you *have to* spend Xmas with your family, and if you don't you are a bad/lonely/undeserving person.

This is how I feel.

Is it really such a crime to choose not to go back for Xmas? Is it really horrible that I'd rather save the extra money I would need to fork out for the flights in this time of year?

I just spoke to my mum, and I feel horrible. I have realised I've even started calling them less, just to avoid being faced with this.

By the way I have anxiety, which makes this even worse.

Any advice?

cazpumpkin

Youre not horrible at all, youre very kind because you DO go and see them in January , its not like you don't visit them at all and more to the point, they could come to this country and see YOU at Christmastime if they wanted to, why should it be only you who has the effort of the journey or the expense.

ozma83

my parents have never been on a plane in their entire life...it's just not really something they could do, and it's something of a given that it would be us who would go over there...

whitewing

Why can't your boyfriend go with you? His job? Or his family?

l Most things that I get anxious about are because I put pressure on myself about the way that I feel that I should behave.

ozma83

My boyfriend doesn't get holidays at work during Xmas. Also now we have a kitten, we could get someone to come check on her but I don't really feel happy about leaving her here!

I think that's exactly how it is. I am aware that I put pressure on myself, and I get angry that I seem to listen to what 'society', or let's say 'ads on TV and friends' comments', says I should feel or do

I don't know how to break this though.

meritaten

you feel bad because you're too kind and sensitive! luv - you do go see them! and that day is special to them! a sort of bonus for not seeing you on Christmas day!
I used to love Christmas - but I find it more and more of 'chore' now! everybody should be happy and we all 'put on our happy faces'. its so false! and such hard work!

ozma83

everytime I say that I am not going back for Xmas, whoever I am talking to shrieks 'oh my go! How can you not? You have to!Book the flights!'
And this is every.single.freaking.year.

You can't believe the relief I feel when we get to bloody 26 of December and Xmas is over!!!

meritaten

so don't say it! there is no law that says you HAVE to spend Christmas with extended family!
tbh after 36 years of married life - I wish that just ONCE it was just me and OH! then we could have a nice long lie in, steak and chips for dinner, and just um, go back to bed? before getting up again for a movie fest!
instead the kids and grandkids turn up for pressies, we go up mums - more pressies - they all come back to my house which is far too small and I cook for them all - then they veg out in front of tv while the kids squabble and OH and I sort them out - I dread it!
BUT - its 'traditional isn't it'? expected of me! I am so fed up that this year may be the year I say 'I could be dead Christmas - isn't it time you started your OWN family traditions'? yet something in me feels that is mean - but its honestly how I feel!

arbroath_lass

meritaten wrote: »

but its honestly how I feel!

How would your family take it (maybe phrase it a little differently)?


My OH and I are the ones who have to take it in turns at each other's parents. We have no children so it is just expected. I would very much like to be able to have our own "Christmas" too. We're not even Christian. MIL is on her own, though, and she does love to have everyone over.


OP do you have any idea what your best ever Christmas would be like? One where the only person to please is yourself?

ozma83

meritaten wrote: »

so don't say it! there is no law that says you HAVE to spend Christmas with extended family!
tbh after 36 years of married life - I wish that just ONCE it was just me and OH! then we could have a nice long lie in, steak and chips for dinner, and just um, go back to bed? before getting up again for a movie fest!
instead the kids and grandkids turn up for pressies, we go up mums - more pressies - they all come back to my house which is far too small and I cook for them all - then they veg out in front of tv while the kids squabble and OH and I sort them out - I dread it!
BUT - its 'traditional isn't it'? expected of me! I am so fed up that this year may be the year I say 'I could be dead Christmas - isn't it time you started your OWN family traditions'? yet something in me feels that is mean - but its honestly how I feel!

I feel the same! I am constantly running around all year, my stress levels are high and time to relax almost non-existent, so I am literally looking forward to a few days of doing absolutely nothing... if it wasn't for this worry and feeling of guilt, it would be paradise!

psychopathbabble

As long as you and your family are happy with whatever you do, ignore everyone else. I don't speak to my mum and hardly any contact with my dad... in fact, the last time I saw my mum was Christmas Day 2004 and I lasted 30 minutes before I had to walk out. I do sometimes wish I had better relationships with family, especially at this time of year but I'm happy with my life and the people in it.

Try not to let other peoples opinions pressurise or stress you out. You have no need to feel guilty in the slightest, and you clearly still make the time to go and see your family. Enjoy the festive period with your boyfriend and equally enjoy the time in January with your parents