Christmas guilt :(

Morglin

DH and I have both been married before, and we now have a large 'blended' family, plus my elderly Dad.

I hate all the running around seeing them all 'just because it's Christmas!!

We see them all year, and I'd really like a Xmas like the first one we had - on our own, in a nice hotel.

And, one year, I shall put my foot down with them all

Christmas, to me, is now a meaningless, over commercialised, expensive wind up, which involves loads of money and a lot if stress, and it's a case of 'roll on the new year'!

Lin

dandelionclock30

meritaten wrote: »

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of weeks - and as much as I love my kids and grandkids..........its about time they did their OWN Christmas dinners! I am beginning to feel like Wetherspoons - they turn up expecting Christmas dinner and I am 'working' all day! and to be perfectly honest - last year I was grinding my teeth! I felt like the 'kitchen help'.

Well you need to tell them you dont want to do it this year and suggest that your coming to theirs instead.

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

This is exactly how my MIL feels. Every year she says never again, and vows to go out for Christmas lunch, but every year she feels she can't let down her 3 sons and grandchildren, the grandchildren who hardly ever visit throughout the year btw Just because they all say "but it's traditional, we always go round to nanas", so she feels like she'd be letting everyone down if she didn't go ahead with it.

The two grandchildren have now started taking the !!!!, and drag their boyfriends along for Christmas lunch, meaning that if everyone went, my MIL would have to sit alone on a table in the kitchen. My husband finally put his foot down and said that if that was the case then he wasn't going (he's the closest to his Mam, so she really wants him there) as he wasn't abing her sit alone after slaving over Christmas lunch.

She gets up at about 4-5am, and she's 78. Family's just take the !!!! sometimes.

Do you and your husband ever offer to take over the cooking?

marisco_2

ozma83 wrote: »

My parents understand, and they are not the kind of people who would be cross with me if I didn't go, especially as I usually always go and visit in January; but I still feel terribly guilty, and I think a lot of it is due to the pressure I feel from 'outside' ie. you *have to* spend Xmas with your family, and if you don't you are a bad/lonely/undeserving person.

This is how I feel.

Your family are understanding and accept without issue that you will visit them in January. It suits you and means you can spend time with loved ones in both countries. What does it matter what Joe Bloggs thinks? Give yourself a break. The more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less you worry about or concern yourself with the views and opinions of others.

pickledonionspaceraider

Ozma dont get pressured into doing something you dont want to do. I feel pretty much same as you. Xmas is a no go in my house, we don't do it, or buy into it for many of the reasons you mention in your first post. I hate the forced joviality of it all its fake and i hate it.

Having said that, i do enjoy spending time with family etc, just not to celebrate the birth of christ

Christmas is one of those social occasions that is built up to be amazing, but often is not as great as you thought it was going to be..

We have the same conversations with family each year. We have been invited over to families for christmas dinner and politely turned down the invite and we are met with ''Oh my god, you are going to spend christmas JUST THE TWO OF YOU - aww you poor things???'' and the implications of us being selfish because we turn down invites because ''so and so is making the effort, why can't you''

Thing is, you dont get much time off over xmas, same as me and my OH - maybe you dont want to spend it travelling and being with family, maybe you just want some quality time with your partner.

Do not be made to feel guilty or selfish for living your life how YOU want it to be. Your life on this earth is yours to live how you see fit and no one elses opinion really matters a jot. As long as you are polite turning down invitations theres not really a lot you can do , if people want to get funny about it, let them...

Any

It seems to me that these ppl telling you "oh no, you must, just book the flights" get the tone from you that you want to go but are feeling guilty about the expense.. so they are trying to encourage you to just do it without the guilt.
Because how can someone say such a rubbish??

A)what do they know about your family situation
about your finances (some ppl genuinely cannot go-Australians etc, where flights go into thousands!!)
C) errrrmmm... isn't you bf your family too?? So you ARE spending Xmas with a family...

I have parents in different country and they certainly don't expect me to come at Xmas.. and no one ever questioned it.

We don't do any massive get togethers, we visit around and usually spend Xmas day at my in laws. Just 2 couples-them and us. Then we go visit my sis etc on days around Xmas. And then we spend some time alone. What is most magical about Xmas is that it is a holiday (for most) and you should not do what you don't want to or be where you don't want to be.
We are all adults-we don't need extended family adults to have Xmas.

You cannot even practice it all your life-when having 2 sets of parents-choosing which one? Then when you are the eldest parents-making your children choose which house, when the time comes for them to take over, then which of their houses you will go to... really it is un doable!!

A family is a man and woman and DEPENDANTS. Once children are adults they form new family. And so it goes....
(Obviously allowing for singles, people you genuinely like to invite etc)

whitewing

Fix a date (in Jan or whenever is best for YOU) and let them know.

Then also invite them over to yours for Xmas - you could even tell them that they don't need to let you know, they can just turn up spontaneously the day before Xmas if they want (make sure you have enough in the freezer if they do turn up - you'll always use it).

That way, they can have plans/invites even if it doesn't happen.

If you and your fella go to church, or to an xmas quiz at the pub or anything, stick it on the invite. (This is what we'll be doing for these few days...you are most welcome to join us). Who knows, maybe they will want their own adventure if they allow themselves to think about it.

Georgiegirl256

Person_one wrote: »

Do you and your husband ever offer to take over the cooking?

Yes, of course, most people (apart from the grandchildren, even though they are adults offer), but she is that worried about everyone sitting down and having a good time that she won't let anyone, she probably feels like she's failed if she accepts help, she worries about everyone except herself, but she's admitted to my husband that it's all getting too much. But because of tradition and because the grand kids expect it, she carries on.

Mojisola

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Yes, of course, most people (apart from the grandchildren, even though they are adults offer), but she is that worried about everyone sitting down and having a good time that she won't let anyone, she probably feels like she's failed if she accepts help, she worries about everyone except herself, but she's admitted to my husband that it's all getting too much. But because of tradition and because the grand kids expect it, she carries on.

She won't have to if you make other arrangements.

mountainofdebt

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else?

I got the impression that it was the guilty that the OP was feeling that was the problem, not that her parents are making her feel guilty about not being there at Christmas.