Christmas guilt :(

davenport151

To me it seems that a lot of the problem is other people's attitude to you not spending christmas with your 'family'. These same people are probably also a bit jealous of you. You do not have the family strains that they have at this time.
I always think your family is who you choose. You choose to be with your boyfriend (and new kitten) and i think thats just as important. As seven-day-weekend said - don't let guilt spoil christmas or your January visit.

Incidently - now things are harder for my mum we make sure as we all descend on her that we share the day. I take most items for tea. Help with dinner when we arrive (take her shopping beforehand) Then get the 'men' washing up and clearing away. My OH mentioned last year that perhaps she would like to come to us but she would rather be in her own home.

ellie99

OP, you need to take the pressure off yourself, or you'll end up not enjoying your break. People can be quick to pass judgement and tell you you should be going home, but it's really none of their business...what matters is you being happy with what you've decided (and personally I think a visit in January is lovely, brightens up an otherwise miserable month )

meritaten wrote: »

instead the kids and grandkids turn up for pressies, we go up mums - more pressies - they all come back to my house which is far too small and I cook for them all - then they veg out in front of tv while the kids squabble and OH and I sort them out - I dread it!
BUT - its 'traditional isn't it'? expected of me! I am so fed up that this year may be the year I say 'I could be dead Christmas - isn't it time you started your OWN family traditions'? yet something in me feels that is mean - but its honestly how I feel!

My parents did this...just said they weren't doing Christmas any more, and we'd have to stay at home (btw, it was just me and 2 kids, not a huge family). They also refuse to come to mine for a meal.
I had no idea they felt like this, and honestly thought they liked spending the day with their 2 grandchildren. I find myself wondering how many years they felt like that before they said something.

I think that's the worst thing about Christmas...there are so many people feeling resentful because they have to spend the day in ways they wouldn't normally choose.

meritaten, if you feel really strongly about this, you should say something, maybe your family would like to stay at home but don't want to say anything!

claire16c

ozma83 wrote: »

No never...they say they want to come, my dad is afraid of flying and says he wants to take the train, my mum wants to try and get the plane but unfortunately as we started planning this a couple of years ago she got ill and had to have a very long therapy etc (rather not say for what as it still doesn't feel real but you can imagine )

don't feel much better tbh.

So could the pair of them now not get either the train or plane now or your dad make his own visit if your mum is unable to - not necessarily at Xmas?

If there is a train there sounds like it's not all that far to go!?

pukkamum

meritaten wrote: »

so don't say it! there is no law that says you HAVE to spend Christmas with extended family!
tbh after 36 years of married life - I wish that just ONCE it was just me and OH! then we could have a nice long lie in, steak and chips for dinner, and just um, go back to bed? before getting up again for a movie fest!
instead the kids and grandkids turn up for pressies, we go up mums - more pressies - they all come back to my house which is far too small and I cook for them all - then they veg out in front of tv while the kids squabble and OH and I sort them out - I dread it!
BUT - its 'traditional isn't it'? expected of me! I am so fed up that this year may be the year I say 'I could be dead Christmas - isn't it time you started your OWN family traditions'? yet something in me feels that is mean - but its honestly how I feel!

Oh meri thats rubbish, my mum has spent the last 14 yrs alternating xmas day between me and my sister, often involving a long drive and having to stay over.
Eldest sister has always insisted mum goes there but this year she's away.
I got the impression mum and her husband were fed up of the xmas day palaver so I told mum to have the xmas day she wants, they are welcome here for the full shebang, just for an hour, for the evening, or we'll pop in on her in the morn so she can see the kids.
Well the relief on her face was palpable, she confessed her and her husband were desperate for a relaxing day of doing what they wanted, watching what they wanted, eating what they wanted but she was worried about upsetting us.
So we are going over for bacon butties at about ten for the kuds to open their pressies from her then we'll leave them in peace.
Have a chat with them meri tall them how you feel, you might be surprised by their reaction perhaps they want to stay at home but are worried about upsetting you.

Mojisola

ozma83 wrote: »

I have my boyfriend and my life here and feel bad about leaving them.

You will be spending time with your family - you, your BF and the kitten!

When people start telling you what you should be doing at Christmas, don't get anxious. Think of something to say like - I'm doing what suits me - My BF and I have got some things lined up - and then change the subject.

Or (if they don't take the hint) - I don't tell you how to live your life so don't tell me how to live mine.

Are you doing anything to help with the anxiety? If you could deal with that, these comments won't make you feel so bad.

Georgiegirl256

meritaten wrote: »

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of weeks - and as much as I love my kids and grandkids..........its about time they did their OWN Christmas dinners! I am beginning to feel like Wetherspoons - they turn up expecting Christmas dinner and I am 'working' all day! and to be perfectly honest - last year I was grinding my teeth! I felt like the 'kitchen help'.

This is exactly how my MIL feels. Every year she says never again, and vows to go out for Christmas lunch, but every year she feels she can't let down her 3 sons and grandchildren, the grandchildren who hardly ever visit throughout the year btw Just because they all say "but it's traditional, we always go round to nanas", so she feels like she'd be letting everyone down if she didn't go ahead with it.

The two grandchildren have now started taking the !!!!, and drag their boyfriends along for Christmas lunch, meaning that if everyone went, my MIL would have to sit alone on a table in the kitchen. My husband finally put his foot down and said that if that was the case then he wasn't going (he's the closest to his Mam, so she really wants him there) as he wasn't abing her sit alone after slaving over Christmas lunch.

She gets up at about 4-5am, and she's 78. Family's just take the !!!! sometimes.

Georgiegirl256

ozma83 wrote: »

everytime I say that I am not going back for Xmas, whoever I am talking to shrieks 'oh my go! How can you not? You have to!Book the flights!'
And this is every.single.freaking.year.

You can't believe the relief I feel when we get to bloody 26 of December and Xmas is over!!!

Just tell them that you can't afford the airfare and you're going in the New Year....and (this is what I'd add on!), 'not that it's any of your business'

duchy

ozma83 wrote: »

My boyfriend doesn't get holidays at work during Xmas. Also now we have a kitten, we could get someone to come check on her but I don't really feel happy about leaving her here!

I think that's exactly how it is. I am aware that I put pressure on myself, and I get angry that I seem to listen to what 'society', or let's say 'ads on TV and friends' comments', says I should feel or do

I don't know how to break this though.

I'm sorry but because you are trying to please everyone you are tying yourself in knots.

If you REALLY wanted to be with your family at Christmas (rather than just think you should) you'd make it happen.....You'd save harder, put the cat in a cattery (or as BF can't be away at Christmas get him to look after it). If your family live in a country that celebrates Christmas then they probably enjoy having more time with you in January rather than have you competing for their time with the Christmas going ons-If they don't live in a Christian country -then it's not really relevent.

In an ideal world (more money, boyfriend not having to work Christmas) then you'd probably visit some Christmases but few of us live in an ideal world so you have the choice of accepting you are fortunate to be able to afford to visit but circumstances don't make one particular Christian holiday possible ....and lucky you still have a boyfriend and a furbaby to share it with ...... or screwing yourself up with guilt over something you can't do much about THIS year (but could start thinking about if you'd want to plan ahead to do it differently next year or the year after.)

It's just one of the downsides of choosing to live in another country but with cheap phone calls, affordable flights and skype it is not nearly as hard as it used to be. People emigrated to Australia in the sixties believing they'd never see their families again as the cost of returning home for a visit was beyond the reach of most working people back then.

As for people telling you that you should go -Just say firmly "Not this year" and change the subject.....

dancingfairy

I'd say do what you want to do. If you want to spend Christmas with your Oh and kitten then do it. If you want to go and see your family, then again, make it happen. It's not like you are abandoning your family though is it? Finances more than anything else appear to be dictating that it's more practical to see them in January. I can't see the problem with that. Phone you parents at Christmas or Skype them and then enjoy seeing them in January (and have a repeat Christmas if you want).
df

Oakie

Our family Christmas will be on the 27th this year. One of my daughters works in a hospital and will be working Xmas Eve,Xmas Day and Boxing Day all Night shifts.
Some people say to me don't you mind. I just reply no.
As far as we are concerned Christmas happens when we are all together.
Traditions are all well and good,but it quite nice to make new traditions.
You can still skype or talk on the phone to your family on Xmas day.