Why doesn't he want to marry me?

Mojisola

lostinrates wrote: »

I have no religious issue abut marriage, personally I think all civil marriages should be equal status civil partnerships and faith groups left to make their own decision about further ceremony of 'marriage' and to whom they offer that and the state should keep put of that.

Absolutely agree with this. I would like to see a complete separation as there is in some mainland Europe countries.

The lines get blurred here because the legal bit can be done as part of the mainstream religions' ceremonies.

neverdespairgirl

daisiegg wrote: »

Definitely this!

I have always said that if I had a child without being married - hopefully something that is unlikely to happen now as I am married! - I would give the child my name. I really don't understand why unmarried women give their children the father's name. For me, having the same name as my children would be incredibly important, whether I was married or not.

For me, having the same surname as my children isn't really important. Well, I don't, and it doesn't bother me at all.

I was born Miss NDG, and professionally I'll remain Miss NDG (barristers don't change their names at work, generally speaking) and I don't want to be Miss NDG at work and Mrs X outside it, that strikes me as schizophrenic.

So my existing 8 year old son is Master X, and my new baby next May will be Master / Miss X, and won't share my surname. Obviously, I get called "Mrs X" a fair bit, in connection with Isaac, and it doesn't bother me either.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

Excuse me for answering for her, but i think this might be a little sensitive. Bugslet happens to me in exactly that position at the moment, her partner is in decline. .

She is being treated completely as his NOK, thankfully for them.

Thanks LIR, I'm glad to hear they aren't running into problems.

I mention it as I do see problems arising in my line of work, an unmarried partner can be overruled by a son or daughter, a parent or a sibling, and it can be very distressing.

daisiegg

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

For me, having the same surname as my children isn't really important. Well, I don't, and it doesn't bother me at all.

I was born Miss NDG, and professionally I'll remain Miss NDG (barristers don't change their names at work, generally speaking) and I don't want to be Miss NDG at work and Mrs X outside it, that strikes me as schizophrenic.

So my existing 8 year old son is Master X, and my new baby next May will be Master / Miss X, and won't share my surname. Obviously, I get called "Mrs X" a fair bit, in connection with Isaac, and it doesn't bother me either.

Everybody is different it would be very important to me.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

Thanks LIR, I'm glad to hear they aren't running into problems.

I mention it as I do see problems arising in my line of work, an unmarried partner can be overruled by a son or daughter, a parent or a sibling, and it can be very distressing.

I'm glad they aren't having problems too, bugslet's love for her partner is very palpable though her posts. Its beautiful.


NOK was one of the reasons (of a few, but the deciding one) we didn't wait but 'hurried'. We'd faced the situation through the previous two of years while DH was 'just' boyfriend or fianc! ( a word I didn't use much really) where he was not treated as NOK by default despite our request. We have wondered if it were our age ( we were 25 when we married I think, cannot remember but around that age) hat compounded an assumption I would want my parents involved in decisions when I was not able to make them myself. In anycase, marrying just stopped it, quickly. (Apart for
M one occasion where I was taken aside and asked if he were abusive, which I was a bit tearful about but DH was totally non plussed about and said its fantastic they do that because it means they manage to help people that way......, and of course he's right, I was just horrified u had given anyone the impression otherwise when he is so amazing.

neverdespairgirl

NOK doesn't bother me either, because I completely trust my parents to be acting in my best interests, and they would defer to OH anyway. OH doesn't have any parents, and I'm listed as his NOK.

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

For me, having the same surname as my children isn't really important. Well, I don't, and it doesn't bother me at all.

I was born Miss NDG, and professionally I'll remain Miss NDG (barristers don't change their names at work, generally speaking) and I don't want to be Miss NDG at work and Mrs X outside it, that strikes me as schizophrenic.

So my existing 8 year old son is Master X, and my new baby next May will be Master / Miss X, and won't share my surname. Obviously, I get called "Mrs X" a fair bit, in connection with Isaac, and it doesn't bother me either.

The different names thing is 'socially' or culturally normal to both DH and I, and I suppose that helps. I go almost exclusively by married name now, but for dribs and drabs maintain old maiden name accounts which I use as my current accounts. This brings its own issues, in that I rarely have anything in my current name suitable to show as I'd as anything from banks to me is in maiden name, where as I now tend to use 'married name' so I have a copy of marriage cert to show names on it often. Really I suppose we should just get bills altered so that I appear on them, it just never seems that crucial.
I worked in two very different spheres before marriage and used different names in them, so already had disconnect purposefully. I quite like the compartmentalisation of life. I suppose I don't really feel defined by any of the names I have used!

I like my married name, and the homogenous nature of it. He an I talked about taking a new name together....but....apathy won out. We have friends who have both taken both names on marriage and many who continue to use their own names ( in some countries and careers its the norm.)

I don't feel more my parent's person than my husband tbh. I'm called something unusual enough that people who don't use a diminutive just use the first name without confusing me with another:).

DigForVictory

So he's apparently marriage-, or wedding-, shy.
Yet you have two children.

The simple logistical benefits of matrimony may not be in view (pensions) but the safe care & maintenance of the children should be & while that doesn't require matrimony, it's bucketloads easier with it.

Give it a couple of months - get the shock of the friends lavish wedding & the merry bedlam that is Christmas over & see if you're on for a New Year's Resolution that you & he are going to make sure the children are safe, no matter what.

Even New Year may be a bit soon, but let child safety be the lead-in. And as the facts of why being married makes sense for them emerge, he may volunteer why he is against the idea in abstract.

Could you stomach the equivalent of a Green Card "ceremony" For The Children even if you really want lashings of tulle & a massive family party? Would the wrong wedding be a deal breaker? Or will any kind of legal tying of knot do? There's usually a lot of emotion involved & he might just want to steer well clear of any risk of bridezilla-dom. (I don't know if that's a genuine risk or just a possible paranoia, but the downside of MSE is we're all strangers - benevolent, but mostly strangers.)

I can sense you beginning to simmer, but it isn't a useful emotion right now. You want marriage - you'll probably get it by being entirely factual about the children's future safety & wellbeing, but it may be such a Just For Them event you'll still wonder if he cares for you. Which doesn't answer why & if he hasn't spelled it out to himself, he can't tell you.

Me, I'd get all the unmarried paperwork for the childrens' wellbeing as nailed as our legal status allows & wait. If it *really* isn't make or break, then a good solid silence on the matter (and not feeling a bit more shredded every day that passes) followed by an intelligent chat (while you're driving? Fewer interruptions...) may clarify things. But getting increasingly niggled when he almost certainly doesn't know & doesn't mean it? Plan how to defuse this!

Kynthia #110 & redjacket #113 are both wonderful, clear, supportive posts.

Finally, have you considered talking to the folks at Relate? as they don't just see couples in trouble, but singles wanting help too.

bugslet

Person_one wrote: »

Have you discussed what would happen if one of you became seriously ill and unable to make decisions?

lostinrates wrote: »

Excuse me for answering for her, but i think this might be a little sensitive. Bugslet happens to me in exactly that position at the moment, her partner is in decline. .

She is being treated completely as his NOK, thankfully for them.

Thanks lir, but it was fine, I guessed someone might ask a question in relation to my post - no point posting if you aren't prepared to follow through so to speak!

Person -one, as lir says I'm in that position and because we took steps prior to his illness, it's all going pretty seamlessly at the moment in terms of making decisions about his future care as he is no longer able to decide for himself.

We really are getting the benefits of being organised to start with and that's why I said before, if you aren't married, then get things sorted now, it's for the benefit of both of you.

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

NOK doesn't bother me either, because I completely trust my parents to be acting in my best interests, and they would defer to OH anyway. OH doesn't have any parents, and I'm listed as his NOK.

You are very lucky your family posts always make me happy.

However, were I in the same situation I would still be discontent were I not certain DH were not automatically my NOK, because I feel its an important factor in our partnership, that it is to each other important decisions are deferred, not another. That before all others aspect is important for us, a graduation in to the status of our partnership in our lives.

I don't think marriage makes it. I think the conversations do ( and i think ndg, you are forthright enough to have had them!) I think the agreements do, I think the legalities do.....which is why I am so passionate about them being accorded to same sex partnerships equally for stability and emotional security. The ceremony is often the lunch pad for the less forthright to raise these points I think, or discuss alternatives to the points to cover legally.

Similarly, everyone should write a will IMO. Even those with no money but items of sentiment. The items of sentiment can cause years of hurt, sometimes the dents of which never quite heal.