Why doesn't he want to marry me?

Errata

What I haven't seen in any posts so far is:

He doesn't want to marry me and that's fine because his needs are more important than mine and because I love him I put them first.

She wants me to marry her and I will because her needs are more important than mine and because I love her I put them first.

an9i77

Errata wrote: »

What I haven't seen in any posts so far is:

He doesn't want to marry me and that's fine because his needs are more important than mine and because I love him I put them first.

She wants me to marry her and I will because her needs are more important than mine and because I love her I put them first.

That's because most people aren't so selfless! It's a nice ideal though

an9i77

Bennifred wrote: »

This may be partly why the OP feels insecure - because even though they went on to agree to have another child, maybe she feels as though he was coerced into continuing with their relationship early on. Perhaps she'd like him to WANT to marry her to prove that it wasn't just because she was pregnant that they stayed together.

I think you have hit the nail on the head there

dandelionclock30

Instead of asking stangers on the internet about the issue, what about asking your partner . Dont bring it up in a jokey way as before say that you want to discuss the matter seriously as its important to you.
At the end of the day out of respect for you as his partner and the mother of his children he should be able to have an adult discussion with you about it.
I think though if marriage is important to you then you should have discussed this with him properly when you relationship became serious. Not way down the line. You've got your timing wrong really.

clairec79

For my husband (he did end up getting married because I wanted the same name as the kids - was pregnant with our second) he saw marriage as religious and as an athetist he didn't want to do it (even though we got married in a registry office so no religion mention) - he has since said he wished they'd had the civil partnerships for hetrosexual couples back then as he'd have been perfectly happy and suggested that much earlier (TBH I would have been happy with that too - but then I don't see marriage as a religious instiution and see no difference between marriage and civil partnership)

catkins

balletshoes wrote: »

I love my partner to bits, we've been together for 13 years, have a 12-year old DD, and I'll be completely honest, the only reason we got married was for red tape reasons. If it hadn't been for the legal protection marriage offered us, I wouldn't have got married at all.
It doesn't, to me, prove that you love someone more or are more committed to them just because you have that marriage certificate.

It's not just about the marriage certificate though - it's about making a commitment by getting married. Lots of people believe strongly in marriage.

Rev wrote: »

People get married all the time with no commitment to each other. And get divorced a few months later.

If your a decent human being and you have a child that child is a life long commitment and wether you like it or not you are then forever tied to that child's other parent. Even if its just by the occasional call to sort visiting etc. You will be linked to that person for the rest of your life.

You marry someone. Divorce them and never have to see them or speak to them again.

I don't know how anyone can think marriage is more of a commitment than a child.

I'm female and wouldn't get married as I don't personally see the point. IMO it's a bit of paper that can easily be walked away from. It certainly isn't a sign of commitment these days.

Yes sadly lots of people do get married and then divorced soon after. However there are still men and women who believe in marriage and think it is a sign of commitment. I know my nieces (aged from 19 to 27) all believe strongly in marriage and do not think having a baby before being married is right.

I don't think it just a piece of paper and think it is sad that some people do.

Plenty of people walk away from children, especially men. I know quite a few single mums whose children have no contact with their dads whatsoever at the dad's choice.

paulineb_2

an9i77 wrote: »

I think you have hit the nail on the head there

That would be the worst reason to get married in my view, wanting someone to marry you to prove hes committed to you? After a long relationship and two kids?

If you cant be content with the fact that hes with you because he wants to be I think you need to work on that before any talk of getting married.

paulineb_2

catkins wrote: »

It's not just about the marriage certificate though - it's about making a commitment by getting married. Lots of people believe strongly in marriage.



Yes sadly lots of people do get married and then divorced soon after. However there are still men and women who believe in marriage and think it is a sign of commitment. I know my nieces (aged from 19 to 27) all believe strongly in marriage and do not think having a baby before being married is right.

I don't think it just a piece of paper and think it is sad that some people do.

Plenty of people walk away from children, especially men. I know quite a few single mums whose children have no contact with their dads whatsoever at the dad's choice.

But sometimes people get pregnant before they plan to marry, it happens.

And walking away from kids doesnt just happen when someone isnt married. My dad walked away from me after my mum and he got divorced, if someone doesnt want to be in your life, they'll exit it regardless.

I dont think its just a piece of paper either, but relationships fail, marriage or no marriage. If something is in trouble, the fact that people are married wont necessarily save it.

seven-day-weekend

poet123 wrote: »

The fact that some men do need co ercing is not the same as saying most.

I have five nieces and the last one gets married in Feb next year. Of the last three who got married all of their fiances were definitely the driving force, and on fb last night the latest groom to be had a sign on his status saying "94 days till we become Mr&Mrs x"

And my OH proposed after 8 weeks and we have been married 32 years.

So I don't think that all or even most men do need coercion.

Agreed. We agreed to marry after knowing each other for three weeks, got married three months later and are still happily married after 42 years.

My son cohabits with his partner. They have no plans to marry, nor have children. The flat is in his name. However he has said that if they ever do have children, then he would want to be married.

I personally think that if one person really wants it and the other person still says no, knowing how important it is to them, and especially if they have children together, then they don't love them enough. Sorry.

bugslet

meritaten wrote: »

I have seen the devastating effect that not being married can have if a partner dies. friends of ours lived together for more than twenty years and he died suddenly leaving no will. not only did his partner have her grief to cope with - she was left homeless and penniless! which wouldn't have happened if they had been married! he laboured under the delusion that 'common law wife' was a legal status! which it isn't!

pimento wrote: »

I think it was probably the lack of a will rather than the lack of a marriage certificate that was the problem here.

28 years unmarried and our wills are made in favour of each other. When he dies, his estate is realtively insignificant and the implications therefore are pretty much nil. I do wish if people choose not to get married, they would make some plans and save themselves a lot of heartache later.

poet123 wrote: »

That is it exactly. Marriage is, or should be, for the long haul, why would you consider it with someone who wasn't as enthusiastic about it as you were? Surely, if they are lukewarm from the off it does not bode well?

Mr bugs didn't want to live together, so in a way he was lukewarm about that, but we have lasted 28 years, some of it stormy, some of it plain sailing.