Why doesn't he want to marry me?

poet123

lostinrates wrote: »

Re the education thing, (formal and otherwise) actually believe it directly contributes to my contribution to our situation. My interesting (though now admittedly rathe rdated) research gives me something of my own to talk about when people ask ' but what does one of those DO? My interest in literature continues this, particularly socially where DH falls short from having no time, I read and short list what would actually interest them and can provide a potted synopsis of the rest. Ifi were a mother these skills would hopefully be firing the imagination of you haters and be doi more thin just making me 'me'. I think NDG's mother was probably somewhat part of NDG being NDG too, thus the education has been valuable twice over (or more, NDG is not an 'only'!)

This exactly. There was an article referenced on another thread recently and it concerned the fact that SAHM's/wives were undervalued from the perspective that if their skills (which are numerous) were such that they would be in demand and could make a significant contribution to an employer, then imparting those skills to children was clearly just as valuable.

And for wives who are at home for whatever reason their skills and abilities facilitate a much easier life for a high flying spouse. That is not something to be denigrated but something to be celebrated if it suits both parties.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

This exactly. There was an article referenced on another thread recently and it concerned the fact that SAHM's/wives were undervalued from the perspective that if their skills (which are numerous) were such that they would be in demand and could make a significant contribution to an employer then imparting those skills to children was clearly just as valuable.

And for wives who are at home for whatever reason their skills and abilities facilitate a much easier life for a high flying spouse. That is not something to be denigrated but something to be celebrated if it suits both parties.

Just want to be clear, that was an auto correct, I meant youngsters and not you haters:eek:


Edit,..re me being home.....I'd like to work a bit more, but its not possible. My health precludes, as does his job. So one makes the best of it. If it were just a little more ip high flying and I could stay just a little healthier I'd possibly do some more education. I looked at ou but felt it too expensive for my wants. I could commit to a masters, if my health could OU or otherwise, but cannot really decide in what.....so it seems a bit silly. I was going to do a sommelier course, was more excited about that than have been anything purely for me for ages, then I got dumped on drugs which preclude alcohol, lol. Certainly keeping well read is a perk of the job of housewife.....speaking of which I have some books waiting in my wish list to down load.....

poet123

redjacket wrote: »

Like I say, I'd hope that we'd actually sit together and be honest with each other and assuage each other's worries, as you obviously did with your partner.

I meant it more in the sense that I don't think the OP just wants him to huffily go through with it as if he'd just agreed to take out the bins during his favourite programme to avoid an argument. If they're going to get married, it should be because it's something they want to do together, not as an "or else".

That is it exactly. Marriage is, or should be, for the long haul, why would you consider it with someone who wasn't as enthusiastic about it as you were? Surely, if they are lukewarm from the off it does not bode well?

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

That is it exactly. Marriage is, or should be, for the long haul, why would you consider it with someone who wasn't as enthusiastic about it as you were? Surely, if they are lukewarm from the off it does not bode well?

I would certainly consider it with someone who was enthusiastic about me but lukewarm on marriage as a concept, and I would certainly expect to make compromise by forgoing pomp to ensure marriage if that's what i needed to move forward in commitment. And I would need commitment to buy a house with a romantic partner, or make longterm financial plans with them or have children. Many of the cost sacrifices of those , whether we like it or not , still fall on women, and if my future or the future of little people I made were going to be impacted I would want to know I'd done it with the best forward planning I could have done..


Obviously, others feel differently, , but if the guy loved me but was just not fussed on marriage I think I could bring my self to ask him to suck it up for a future as part of our discussion about 'where it was all going'.

But I'm not a drifter emotionally. I couldn't drift for four or five years without those conversations, nor would I move in with someone without a 'lets talk, what do we do if...' Chat. I admire people with more patience than I in many ways, but I think our ways has worked for us well. It would not have worked with other men necessarily!

Bennifred

notanewuser wrote: »

They didn't decide to have child #1 though.

This may be partly why the OP feels insecure - because even though they went on to agree to have another child, maybe she feels as though he was coerced into continuing with their relationship early on. Perhaps she'd like him to WANT to marry her to prove that it wasn't just because she was pregnant that they stayed together.

AlexLK

I was brought up to believe marriage was very important along with notions of committing to one partner and not being involved with multiple women before I married, let alone after. Due to the household I was brought up in, women did not seem "a financial burden" as both my parents worked (earning the same). However, growing up I realised things were not so clear cut as they were in my family. Still I ended up married at 25.

My wife was equally keen to marry as at the time we both thought we'd found "the one". In recent years we've had our ups and downs. Funnily enough, it was I who wanted a child more than she did and I am the one who does the bulk of the childcare. I've ended up becoming a highly educated financial burden.:rotfl:

Rev

shop-to-drop wrote: »

I don't understand why people say having kids is more of a commitment to a relationship than marriage. People have kids all the time without any commitment to each other.

People get married all the time with no commitment to each other. And get divorced a few months later.

If your a decent human being and you have a child that child is a life long commitment and wether you like it or not you are then forever tied to that child's other parent. Even if its just by the occasional call to sort visiting etc. You will be linked to that person for the rest of your life.

You marry someone. Divorce them and never have to see them or speak to them again.

I don't know how anyone can think marriage is more of a commitment than a child.

I'm female and wouldn't get married as I don't personally see the point. IMO it's a bit of paper that can easily be walked away from. It certainly isn't a sign of commitment these days.

Lisa_B

I've been with my OH for 9 years, no kids, 3 cats (I won't consider without being married, he thinks marriage is a bigger commitment than kids ). I want to be married, mainly for practical purposes, but he won't even discuss it. The main issues we have are his perception of marriage (his parents are divorced) and that his mother hasn't spoken to me for >4 years, so I wouldn't want her anywhere near me on my wedding day. I've tried to discuss things like death in service arrangements that we get through our employer, and he doesn't want to know - so both of our schemes pay out to our respective parents in the event that something happens to each of us.

The biggest commitment I've had from him in all this while is going halves on a new TV. All very frustrating...and my parents wonder why I haven't kicked him out yet.

POPPYOSCAR

Carer wrote: »

Some people just have no desire or interest in getting married.
It doesn't mean anything is wrong with the relationship.

To some people (myself included) marriage is an old-fashioned pointless ceremony that means nothing in this day and age.

My partner and I love each other to bits, have had 3 kids (and now are grandparents) been together 24 years, run our own business and are together 24/7. Neither of us has ever wanted to marry. We have discussed it of course, but frankly we can't see the point.

Oh and I'm female.

Snap.

Although we probably will have to get married for financial reasons unfortunately.

poet123

If neither party wish to be married that is different. Entirely up to each couple how they run their relationship, if it works for them who is anyone else to judge?