Why doesn't he want to marry me?

themull1

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I have what is now seen as a 'traditional' view of 'family'... I still don't understand why anyone would consider having a child/ren without being married.

It doesn't have to be religious, it doesn't have to be expensive BUT it does show commitment in the form of a contract.

A partner who is not prepared to commit to marriage would not be father material to me.

I had my kids before I was married to their dad, because my first husband wouldn't give me a divorce and I had to wait five years. Its not cut and dried why some people don't get married before having kids!

an9i77

SkintGypsy wrote: »

Did she say he had strong views against marriage? I must have missed that. I thought she said he'd strung her along and then just said no.

Yes - lots of 'maybe's and be patients and now saying it doesn't appeal to him but he's not sure why.

Great innit!

notanewuser

poet123 wrote: »

The fact that some men do need co ercing is not the same as saying most.

I have five nieces and the last one gets married in Feb next year. Of the last three who got married all of their fiances were definitely the driving force, and on fb last night the latest groom to be had a sign on his status saying "94 days till we become Mr&Mrs x"

.

I have 3 brothers in law. 1 is married because his wife issued an ultimatum after 10+ years together.

1 has 2 children and a mortgage with a woman that would love to get married, but it isn't likely to happen without serious coercion. The kids have his name. He doesn't need her to.

The other has a child with his now ex-girlfriend. They would never have married, baby was a "surprise" and now 5 months on its all a big mess with baby firmly stuck in the middle. Having had his fingers burnt it would take a miracle for him to want to marry anybody.

So, using your method, 2/3 trumps 3/5.

pimento

meritaten wrote: »

I have seen the devastating effect that not being married can have if a partner dies. friends of ours lived together for more than twenty years and he died suddenly leaving no will. not only did his partner have her grief to cope with - she was left homeless and penniless! which wouldn't have happened if they had been married! he laboured under the delusion that 'common law wife' was a legal status! which it isn't!

I think it was probably the lack of a will rather than the lack of a marriage certificate that was the problem here.

claire16c

an9i77 wrote: »

Yes - lots of 'maybe's and be patients and now saying it doesn't appeal to him but he's not sure why.

Great innit!

If it's just that it 'doesn't appeal' and he's not really that opposed, do you think he'd agree to it if you said you'd do all the planning etc & it would just be a small affair?

Does he know the legal ramifications of not being married?

I know someone who got fed up waiting for her oh to propose so booked the whole thing & just told him when to turn up!

Not saying you should necessarily do that but maybe he's just being lazy?

balletshoes

Have you asked your OH what he thinks would change once you got married, if its the idea of marriage, rather than the wedding, thats putting him off?

I know he could ask you the same question, but I think you have an idea of why you want to get married, you're not "not fussed either way".

jetplane

OP you do not need to be married if you want to use his name, in fact some married women use their maiden name. You can refer to him as your husband if you want, unless he objects of course, I don't know why you think partner sounds strange many people live together.

Marriage, like any good relationship, is about compromise. It's swings and roundabouts and not as black and white as either he compromises and you marry or you compromise and you don't marry. I can understand your need to close the circle so to speak but you may be in love with the romantic idea of marriage and what difference will it really make?

Will you really feel more secure knowing that you have cajoled him into marriage? You say the resentment from you if he doesn't marry you may erode the relationship, well perhaps if he does marry you the resentment from him would kill it.

Like others I do not think that children are the biggest commitment, people leave their families all of the time. I don't believe a mortgage is the biggest commitment, although it can be a lot more tying than a marriage certificate. Neither do I think that marriage is the biggest commitment, people marry for many different reasons, not always mutual love.

For me the biggest commitment is love, loyalty and respect. Your OH is the father of your children, you are building a life together. Yes you may want to tell him how much it means to you but when he still tells you that he doesn't want to get married can you not accept his honesty and respect his decision?

Four years is early in a relationship, in ten years time you and your OH may look back and think how happy and successful your family has been, you might have a wedding album, you might not. You may look back and see how many of your friends, with their lovely weddings, are divorced, or you may look back and regret how you let your yearning for marriage trample your dreams.

Some people say that getting married after years of living together ruined their relationship. I think that is usually because there was something wrong with their relationship at that time and they thought that getting married would resolve it.

Good luck Im sure it will be a whole lot better if you wait until the time is right and when he meets you at the alter you know he really wants to be there :heartsmil

Tiglath

Bazey wrote: »

Are you all on the blob this week? Good grief.

Maybe I'm an unusual female, but I found this funny! Haven't heard that phrase in years.

Twiggy_34

Is it possible that the not so subtle hints etc are what is putting him off? I often find that if I feel I'm being nagged or harassed into something, no matter how jovially or how good the intentions, it often has the opposite effect, for no other reason than that I want the reason for doing certain things to be my decision and because I want to do it, not because I felt pushed into it, or that it might look like I'm only doing it because others want me to (giving up smoking is a different but good example, certainly for me anyway; everyone tells you to do it with only your best interests at heart but it left me wanting to do anything but!).

I have been married before and, ultimately, it is just a piece of paper, yes a piece of paper that makes some things easier from a legal perspective in the event of a partner dying or similar, but from a relationship point of view it doesn't prove, or disprove, a persons commitment to someone, regardless of the fact it is considered to be an open declaration of love and devotion. I'm since divorced by the way, so yes I suppose I am cynical. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again though if it was something my current partner wanted and it felt right for both of us. It's not something I feel is essential for our relationship, we're child free but have a joint mortgage which is a fairly big commitment in its own way. I don't need the declaration of love or devotion, because anyone who know's us know's we love each other without having to make a song and dance about it.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

I agree in part, it was a conditioning, but the bit in bold was expressed in a thread (by a women) only this week. So, it has not entirely gone away.

That's pretty depressing. Even as someone who is mainly a housewife I don't think my time in education was a waste. Far, far from it.

Incidentally I've also heard the thought expressed on Mse and real life by people about kids ( sons and daughters) not going into graduate careers but rather opting for non graduate type careers or alternative lifestyles. I think education's worth is not soley a financial investment, though recognise losses in real terms, these losses were, realistically, unlikely to be recouped by parents who offered financial support whatever route their offspring took.