Why doesn't he want to marry me?

notanewuser

poet123 wrote: »

I agree with the bit I have bolded but do you really think most men need coercion? Really?

I would rather be single than be with a man I had to coerce.

To one degree or another, yes I do. Just look at the post above yours.

I don't even think most women know they are coercing, to be honest!!!

Tiddlywinks

an9i77 wrote: »

This is the issue - if we both want different things then one of us will not get what they want, and resent the other person.

I don't see how we can both win on this one unless one person is able to willingly compromise and give up what they would ideally want for the sake of the other person

If he doesn't want to get married, either I give up my ideals of getting married and compromise

Or he realises how important it is to me and gives up his ideals of not getting married and compromises

At the moment I am feeling like, if he does not want to get married does he really want to be with me, or is it just easier to stay with me than leave.

And, if he does not want to get married do I really want to be with him, even though due to kids/ finances it is not really an option to leave

I don't want this to turn into something that makes me slowly resent him over a period of time, which could seriously erode the relationship, so it needs to be resolved. Already I am beginning to feel resentful towards him over this - not good.

I've a friend who was in a similar situation and eventually gave her bloke an ultimatum but I've always thought that's a bad idea as a) what happens if they still say no and b)I wouldn't want to be standing next to the altar with anyone if I thought they didn't really want to be there.

I'd be willing to wait a few years / have a long engagement if he thinks he wants to get married in the future just not now, but this latest development (since our friends wedding) has made me feel like he doesn't even want that.

Anyway it's good to hear from others who've been in a similar boat.

.. and that is why couples should sort out the 'admin' and shared values BEFORE having children.

ska_lover

an9i77 wrote: »

It's a bit late for that, as our first child was a (happy) accident. ...

THAT is why a marriage is totally different to having a child. OP, I find it interesting that u keep comparing the two things but they really are entirely different.

Children can and often do, happen by mistake or accident - (can even happen after a one night stand), BUT a marriage is a well thought out descision between two people who both consent in the events...normally with plenty of time for mind changing in the run up to it

Your children, honestly not meaning to sound awful here, but the first one at least - were not a LIFE CHOICE by him, the child just happened and the life style was thrust upon him. Not his choice

However, he does choose not to commit further to you, or your family.

I think you will both chunter along half heartedly in this situation for years and you will become resentful that he isn't never ever going to give you what you need.

Takeaway_Addict

sleepymans wrote: »

Men love themselves first, and one or more "interests*" second, their family(Mum, Dad, siblings...) third........partners are a poor 4th at best.
*The "interset" may be drinking, football, mates, sport, gambling, career, gym, steam engines, vanking, whatever.....any number of things...maybe many of them.....but their partner??? always at the end of the list.

Advise you learn to rely on yourself, girl.

They are made differently to us!

Its just our bad luck if we want to mate heterosexually.:(

p.s. being "legally married" to a male isnt always an advantageous position to be............

ha ha bitter much?

[Deleted User]

I was married when I was in my early 20s and had 3 children. We were married for nearly 20 years and then had an amicable split. 3 years later I met someone I fell in love with. He was my age (50ish) and had never been married before. He'd had 3 previous relationships - one of them lasted 12 years. I asked him several times why they had never got married, he just said he never wanted to marry her although he did love her.

I wasn't bothered about getting married again - I had no desire to actually so it wasn't a deal breaker for me. I assumed that a man who reached 50 and had never married wasn't going to start now! A year after we started seeing each other he proposed to me and I said yes! We have been married 2 years now. When I asked him why, he just said 'it felt right'!!!

Takeaway_Addict

SkintGypsy wrote: »

This whole situation really angers me.

I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone that professes to love the other person can deprive them of something they want so badly. I would do anything to make my loved one happy, and if I knew that an action/inaction of mine was causing them to feel how you do then I would be swift to act.

It's just a piece of paper. Then what the hell difference does it make to you whether you have that piece of paper in a drawer or not?

It's an insurance policy and pays out really well when something really crappy happens. I can't think of a decent reason why not to have it, apart from to exert control over the situation. Very loving.

I'd like to have the same surname as the rest of my family. So what. Who cares? Charming.

I don't see much love being exhibited in that situation. Horrible.

Sorry, but what if one strongly disagrees with it and one strongly agrees with it...then what?

Why should ones views be stronger than the others?

Takeaway_Addict

I like how the OP's OH's views are seen as lesser than the OP's in this thread....

Any

I am also traditionost where weddings are concerned....
Not anywhere else. I don't want children and I am building a career.
But marriage to me is the utmost commitment. I love being married.

My OH originaly said he is never getting married again (he was divorced). And 3 gfs left him because of that. But here we are-married. 7 years. There was no coersion. I wasn't exactly wedding hungry then-I was only 24 when I got married. But it felt so right.

Now he is saying he is never getting divorced again...

It is difficult to explain. But it just feels right to be married if you are completely commited to the person..
And in life I found that most men (but not all men!!) who never wanted to get married did get married in the end... just to someone else. Sorry:-(

Mojisola

pimento wrote: »

Why collaborate in the Patriarchy?

http://www.xojane.com/issues/unpopular-opinion-marriage-will-never-be-a-feminist-choice

Just cos someone writes a blog, it doesn't mean the content is true!

We were happy to get married in front of our relatives and friends as an expression of our love and commitment to each other but neither would have been reduced if we'd signed a legal document in a register office or hadn't bothered at all.

We would have entered into the legal partnership because of the legal protection (and financial advantages) it gives us, not because "Women, in particular, are taught that a marriage proposal is something that validates them".

That was old-fashioned nonsense back in the 1960s when I was growing up.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

We would have entered into the legal partnership because of the legal protection (and financial advantages) it gives us, not because "Women, in particular, are taught that a marriage proposal is something that validates them".

That was old-fashioned nonsense back in the 1960s when I was growing up.

While I agree with you for the most part, this idea has definitely not gone away! Watch a few romantic comedies for examples of how women are still buying into the idea of 'catching a man' being an achievement, and every woman's ultimate goal.