Why doesn't he want to marry me?

lostinrates

pimento wrote: »

I think it was probably the lack of a will rather than the lack of a marriage certificate that was the problem here.

Partly, but also there are tax benefits and ability to transfer assists ( while alive too) un penalised that might be relevant for some people.

( edit....sorry, loads of typos)

jetplane

notanewuser wrote: »

I have 3 brothers in law. 1 is married because his wife issued an ultimatum after 10+ years together.

1 has 2 children and a mortgage with a woman that would love to get married, but it isn't likely to happen without serious coercion. The kids have his name. He doesn't need her to.

The other has a child with his now ex-girlfriend. They would never have married, baby was a "surprise" and now 5 months on its all a big mess with baby firmly stuck in the middle. Having had his fingers burnt it would take a miracle for him to want to marry anybody.

So, using your method, 2/3 trumps 3/5.

3 men and the women are insulted in each case. What lovely men ... not...

lostinrates

Twiggy_34 wrote: »

Is it possible that the not so subtle hints etc are what is putting him off? I often find that if I feel I'm being nagged or harassed into something, no matter how jovially or how good the intentions, it often has the opposite effect, for no other reason than that I want the reason for doing certain things to be my decision and because I want to do it, not because I felt pushed into it, or that it might look like I'm only doing it because others want me to (giving up smoking is a different but good example, certainly for me anyway; everyone tells you to do it with only your best interests at heart but it left me wanting to do anything but!).
,p.

Op I sort of agree with this. But also that you have to be honest, open upfront and whole with your feelings then let it go. You have said that its not make or break for you, so you need to be clear with him about that that it is not an ultimatum.

So many confusions arise simply from not being honest and upfront. Personally I was not prepared to enter into any major commitment ( financial, or had it been relevant, children) without commitment of some sort, and how committed I wanted to be was depended on the security afforded by the agreement. I wasn't that fussed about marrying, nor buying with him initially, but I was clear when we got serious that I operated a personal review on my relationships and explained the basis under which that operated and he found it hilarious, and honest. He explained his requirements.....we were fine. Openness as opposed to niggling ( naggings suppressed little brother or sister) is very underrated. Its not always easy.

neverdespairgirl

sleepymans wrote: »

Men love themselves first, and one or more "interests*" second, their family(Mum, Dad, siblings...) third........partners are a poor 4th at best.
*The "interset" may be drinking, football, mates, sport, gambling, career, gym, steam engines, vanking, whatever.....any number of things...maybe many of them.....but their partner??? always at the end of the list.

That rings absolutely no bells in relation to the men I know well and love dearly.

marisco_2

an9i77 wrote: »

I'm worrying now that he doesn't want to marry me because of me rather than his beliefs ie i'm not his ideal woman.

Only a complete fool would have two kids and buy a property with someone who they did not consider to be their ideal woman. The decision to have children is a far bigger commitment to a partner than marrying them is.

Mojisola

poet123 wrote: »

I agree in part, it was a conditioning, but the bit in bold was expressed in a thread (by a women) only this week. So, it has not entirely gone away.

lostinrates wrote: »

That's pretty depressing. Even as someone who is mainly a housewife I don't think my time in education was a waste. Far, far from it.

I don't think that matters.

I don't want to live in a country where people are expected to behave in just one way. People are different and it's wonderful that there are lots of options open to us.

I don't want a woman to be told that she shouldn't start a family while young and stay at home to bring them up while her partner goes out to work any more than I want to be told that that's the only way for a woman to live.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think that matters.

I don't want to live in a country where people are expected to behave in just one way. People are different and it's wonderful that there are lots of options open to us.

I don't want a woman to be told that she shouldn't start a family while young and stay at home to bring them up while her partner goes out to work any more than I want to be told that that's the only way for a woman to live.

I agree. Different things suit different people at different times. Lack of choice leads to lack of outlook with society as a collective IMO. Its having a lot of different vantage point, not 'one speak' that keeps us inventive, creative, innovative.

Thanks for pointing it out mojisola.

What I don't like, however, is misapprehension about options under legilation or fiscal restrictions! I know I have had some and am greatful when I discover that we can improve our effeciency by ridding them!

neverdespairgirl

lostinrates wrote: »

That's pretty depressing. Even as someone who is mainly a housewife I don't think my time in education was a waste. Far, far from it.
.

My mother's been a housewife most of her married life - she worked for 6 years as a teacher full-time (4 before marriage) and 5 years part-time, once all her children were older.

She's very well educated, has a degree from Cambridge, a PGCE, and a master's in musical theory, too.

Not one lesson was a waste, it contributes to the wonderful, well-educated person she is and we love.

Kynthia

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

I like how the OP's OH's views are seen as lesser than the OP's in this thread....

I don't see any of that at all. One of the difficulties is that the OP is struggling to find out what her OH's views on the subject really are. Only then can she respect them, challenge them, make compromises or leave.

If he's apathetic, then he's a bit cruel when he knows how much it's hurting her and making her doubt his feelings. If he's lazy and doesn't want the fuss, she could maybe press the issue and agree to do the work in organising the wedding. If he's concerned about the cost then they could agree a budget, have a long engagement to save, use skilled friends and family and find bargains. If he's shy and doesn't want to be the centre of attention they could have a small wedding away from home, or a private ceremony with a normal party after. If he is totally against the principle of marriage then he can try to reassure the OP of his love and commitment and that it's not because he doesn't love her enough or settled because of the unplanned pregnancy. If he doesn't love her enough the OP can make plans to separate and eventually hope they both meet someone who does love them enough in the future. However all of this requires knowing his views.

Dunroamin

fake_smile wrote: »

I personally think a wedding is just an unecessary expense. Why do you feel so strongly about getting married? Maybe you should explain why to your partner so he understands. Maybe he's just not fussed and sees it as a waste of money?

I think we're discussing being married, not having a wedding.