Why doesn't he want to marry me?

an9i77

I have been with my partner 4 years. During that time we've had two kids and bought a house together. The first child was unplanned, but I made it clear when I found out I was pregnant that I would go it alone rather than him be there unwillingly - we had only been together 6 months at this point.

He stuck around and we went from strength to strength, buying a house and then planning for a second child who was born a few months ago.

Everything seems fine, the relationship is good except for one thing. He has never expressed any interest in marrying me. I have brought it up numerous times often in a jokey way, and he always says 'maybe'. a couple of years ago when we were planning to have another baby i asked him again about getting married and he said 'be patient'.

Anyway our friends got married recently and had a big lavish wedding. I asked him if it had made him want to get married at all and he said no. I asked if he would ever want us to get married and he said it didn't really appeal. I said is it the wedding or the marriage because we can have a low key wedding if he doesn't want a big one (he's quite shy) and he said both.

Now, I don't think he's not committed to me or our children I mean we've only just had another baby and that to me is the biggest commitment you can make much more than a marriage. But !!!!!! doesn't he want to marry me?

I said if I want to get married and you don't then one of us will have to compromise. (unless he's willing to make the compromise for me, then I guess by default I am the one compromising).

Isn't four years and 2 kids long enough to be patient??

I'm worrying now that he doesn't want to marry me because of me rather than his beliefs ie i'm not his ideal woman.

It's not an absolute deal breaker for me but I think it has the potential to erode the relationship over time as it will make me feel insecure and wondering why he doesn't want to do it. I'd be happy with a low key wedding myself but don't want to put pressure on him to propose if he doesn't wanna be there.

So...is this about me or the concept of marriage itself? Anyone out there who loves their partner to bits but still doesn't want to get married? and why not?

thanks

notanewuser

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

tea_lover

We had exactly this conversation last night! We've been together 8 years, own our own home and are currently gearing up for IVF #2 - so like you guys, clearly in it for the long haul.

But he won't marry me! We're both divorced (both pretty amicably) which makes it worse in a way as it comes across to me that he's happy to marry, just not me. Makes me feel that he's keeping his options open in case a better offer comes along.

Having said all that, we then had a huge (unrelated) row a few hours after the marriage conversation so as things stand I wouldn't want to marry him either lol.

So no helpful advice there, but just wanted to say that I get what you mean, and it sucks!

fluffnutter

Only your partner knows the answer to that, my sweets. And, unfortunately, it doesn't look like he's prepared to be forthcoming with an explanation. You can't force him. You can't force him to marry you and you can't force him to tell you why he won't. Perhaps he's not sure himself. The only thing you can do is decide which is more important - him or being married. I suspect the answer to that might change with time and right now with a new baby is certainly not the time to be overly concerned with what might happen in the future.

You'll know if it becomes a deal-breaker. You say it's not at the moment so try to enjoy things as they are. What I will say is that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I don't know why he won't marry you but I do know that many, many relationships flourish wonderfully without marriage.

Bazey

A lot of guys just don't know what they want...unless it's another beer of course.

HTH

Stephb1986_2

What more commitment do you want than 2 kids? Perhaps he feels that that is enough?

Marriage isn't for everyone and maybe he is one of them people who doesn't want to get married.

As long as you are happy with two kids why bother getting married?

Steph xx

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

I can't believe people are still saying this in 2013, especially women.

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

I can't believe people are still saying this in 2013, especially women.

Why not? It's true. If you want the sparkly ring, don't go popping out kids and buying houses together!!! Most men would probably prefer not to get married (the old "ball and chain" connotations plus the biological urge not to stick with one partner) so will need coercion if that's what the woman really wants.

shop-to-drop

I don't understand why people say having kids is more of a commitment to a relationship than marriage. People have kids all the time without any commitment to each other.

Mojisola

an9i77 wrote: »

I said is it the wedding or the marriage because we can have a low key wedding if he doesn't want a big one (he's quite shy) and he said both.

He really needs to be more precise about why he doesn't want to get married.

Read up on the problems that not being married can cause -
https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

If you're not going to get married (and that can be just the two of you and a couple of witnesses at the Register Office with no fuss, no dressing up, very little expense), you need to sort out wills, next of kin letters for the GP and the hospital and check out what kind of ownership you have for the house.

If either of you have an estate that's likely to be over £325,000 you could end up paying more in IHT than you would on a simple wedding.

fluffnutter

I think marriage and kids are two different things and it's pointless to argue that, because you have one, that somehow removes the need for the commitment of the other.