Why doesn't he want to marry me?

fluffnutter

Mojisola wrote: »

He really needs to be more precise about why he doesn't want to get married.

Read up on the problems that not being married can cause -
https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

If you're not going to get married (and that can be just the two of you and a couple of witnesses at the Register Office with no fuss, no dressing up, very little expense), you need to sort out wills, next of kin letters for the GP and the hospital and check out what kind of ownership you have for the house.

If either of you have an estate that's likely to be over £325,000 you could end up paying more in IHT than you would on a simple wedding.

I agree that there are some practical issues to sort out, made even more pressing by the fact that they have children. But I don't agree that anyone should be forced to be more precise about their reasons for feeling a particular way. Perhaps he doesn't know. Perhaps it's something he's working out himself. The OP can provide an encouraging environment that means he finds it easier to discuss his feelings but she can't just demand he gives her answers. It's counter-productive. He'll clam up further.

One thing that I've noticed over the years about helping men communicate, OP, is to get into the habit of talking about nice things. There's far less pressure if you're talking about your feelings and they're happy ones. If you do this regularly the difficult conversations really do get easier.

SavingPennies_2

Is it the cost or not enjoying the show if it all? Ask him if he would be willing to marry if it was just a cheap and simple registry office with no guests.

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

Why not? It's true. If you want the sparkly ring, don't go popping out kids and buying houses together!!! Most men would probably prefer not to get married (the old "ball and chain" connotations plus the biological urge not to stick with one partner) so will need coercion if that's what the woman really wants.

So people still buy into the neanderthal idea that men only want sex, women only want commitment, and they each have to grudgingly put up with the other to get their way?

No, this is a relationship, not a game, not a power struggle, adults should be able to talk about this stuff sensibly, not !!!!!foot around trying to read each other's minds.

I'm sorry you feel you had to coerce your husband into marrying you though.

an9i77

shop-to-drop wrote: »

I don't understand why people say having kids is more of a commitment to a relationship than marriage. People have kids all the time without any commitment to each other.

Because a marriage is far far easier to walk away from than children. My mum and dad split when I was a young child but are still bound to each other by their children and now, their grandchildren. Whereas my stepdad, who my mum left in 1987, was never seen again since.

I would need a very good reason to leave my partner now we have kids (not getting married would not count as a very good reason) as it's not just my life that would be affected, but theirs - massively.

Carer

Some people just have no desire or interest in getting married.
It doesn't mean anything is wrong with the relationship.

To some people (myself included) marriage is an old-fashioned pointless ceremony that means nothing in this day and age.

My partner and I love each other to bits, have had 3 kids (and now are grandparents) been together 24 years, run our own business and are together 24/7. Neither of us has ever wanted to marry. We have discussed it of course, but frankly we can't see the point.

Oh and I'm female.

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

I agree that there are some practical issues to sort out, made even more pressing by the fact that they have children. But I don't agree that anyone should be forced to be more precise about their reasons for feeling a particular way. Perhaps he doesn't know. Perhaps it's something he's working out himself.

The OP needs to know so that she can make her own decisions, rather than just going along with his. The reasons behind his thinking could have a huge impact on her next steps.

Person_one

an9i77 wrote: »

Because a marriage is far far easier to walk away from than children. My mum and dad split when I was a young child but are still bound to each other by their children and now, their grandchildren. Whereas my stepdad, who my mum left in 1987, was never seen again since.

I would need a very good reason to leave my partner now we have kids (not getting married would not count as a very good reason) as it's not just my life that would be affected, but theirs - massively.

Having children is only really a commitment to the child though, men walk away from the mothers of their children all the time without a backwards glance. Yes, they'll always be connected, but all they'll actually owe them is 15% of their salary for 18 years.

THEMONEYSPIDER_2

I have been with my BF for 12 almost 13 years, we dont have kids together although i have two teenagers from a previous relationship, which he has helped raise.

Neither of us have been married before and neither of us feel the need to get married now.

We are happy as we are, personally it would just be an expensive piece of paper and a lot of hassle to get married.

an9i77

Bazey wrote: »

A lot of guys just don't know what they want...unless it's another beer of course.

HTH

what does HTH mean?

bugslet

Mr Bugs wanted to get married, I never did ( and after 28 years that isn't going to change).

I'd find it difficult to explain and after a few years he got the idea that I just hate the whole idea; I don't much like being aprt of anything, but that's my personal take, that doesn't mean it's his.

And yes, get wills and POAs etc sorted now. Worth their weight in gold.