Why doesn't he want to marry me?

catkins

There was a similar thread on here not that long ago.

I am old fashioned and believe strongly in marriage. If me and OH split up we have both said we would not get divorced as neither of us believe divorce is right and we would not want to remarry.

The trouble is if you are unmarried, once you have a child you are, quite rightly, not going to break up just because one of you does not want to get married. This unfortunately means you are not really in a strong position to try and get him to agree to get married.

Me and OH did not live together before getting married but if we had it would have been on the understanding that we were going to get married at some stage. I would never have been content just living with someone and I would have tried my best to make sure I did not get pregnant unless I was married

Tiddlywinks

an9i77 wrote: »

It's a bit late for that, as our first child was a (happy) accident. I wasn't going to hold out on having the second before I had a ring on my finger as time was not on my side fertility wise and I didn't want a big age gap. I was just grateful that he wanted another kid, as I did, as I suppose there was always a seed of doubt in my mind as to how commited he was when we had the first given that it was an accident and only 6 months into the relationship. I never wanted him to feel trapped and my big fear was that he would feel trapped, despite me saying that he could leave if he didn't want to be with me long term when I found out I was pregnant.

TBH splitting up would not really be an option, certainly not over this, so if he definitely doesn't want to get married in the future I suppose I'll have to come to terms with it. It just feels like we're going backwards, before it was all 'maybe' and 'be patient' so I thought it was just a matter of time, whereas now it seems like he's not really up for it, and I can't see that that's going to change much. Never say never though...

It doesn't seem like an equal partnership to me...

You both need to have an honest discussion... why you wish to get married and why he doesn't... and it's not just enough to say 'because I want to' or ' because I don't want to'... the WHY is vital.

You sound less confident in your long term future than your partner... is this the case?

Kynthia

OP, although my hubbie and I don't yet have children or a joint mortgage I remember feeling exactly as you did. Marriage was important to me, not because I wanted a wedding, but because I felt that I couldn't make a life a a future with someone who wouldn't commit to me. I couldn't help but wonder why he wouldn't make this legal commitment to me. Was it because deep down he didn't love me enough, did he honestly feel that after 4/5 years that he didn't know me well enough, was there a part of him that wasn't sure about me and couldn't see a long term future for us, did he one day think he might meet someone better? It drove me mad as I loved him and was sure of him. I know that to those who don't feel the need to marry, they can't understand why it's so important. It got to the point where I nearly left as it was that important to me, but it was hard because I loved him and he loved me. We discussed it and I explained my feelings and the importance of this commitment to me. I wasn't trying to force him, but I had to let him know this was serious and give him time to see whether his reluctance was a deal breaker for him too. Thankfully he proposed, after a time mind you and not a jerk reaction from the conversation but because he loved me, and we had the most wonderful day. We're very happy, buying a house and having our first child. He loves being married too, it turned out to be a real fear of weddings and shyness! These caused issues during wedding planning, but with compromises on both sides we resolved it.

So my advice, should it be of any help to you. Don't keep talking or joking about weddings and marriage as you might drive both of you mad, and those that have waited to propose say they waited until the topic went quiet. Think about how important it is to you and why. Is it a deal breaker to you and would you really leave him at some point (not judging you here because I would understand if his reasons against weren't very good)? Then make some time to have a proper conversation about it and tell him how you feel and why it's so important yo you, then find out his thoughts or agree to give him a month to think about it and talk again. Then once you know whether he's dead against marriage, will propose someday, or doesn't take the topic seriously you can think about what to do. However at this talk you should also bring up the legalities and things you should be doing now to protect each other and the children. Then after you should agree to put these things in place either way and book a date for getting your wills done, make sure your pensions pay out to unmarried partners and that you are actually named as recipients, ensure both your names are on the property, that you have a cohabitation agreement or deed of trust, that there's a record of you being each other's next of kin for medical purposes, etc. If it's apathy or lack of awareness of the consequences of not marrying then it might even make him realise the non-romantic benefits which are just as valid reasons.

SkintGypsy

This whole situation really angers me.

I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone that professes to love the other person can deprive them of something they want so badly. I would do anything to make my loved one happy, and if I knew that an action/inaction of mine was causing them to feel how you do then I would be swift to act.

It's just a piece of paper. Then what the hell difference does it make to you whether you have that piece of paper in a drawer or not?

It's an insurance policy and pays out really well when something really crappy happens. I can't think of a decent reason why not to have it, apart from to exert control over the situation. Very loving.

I'd like to have the same surname as the rest of my family. So what. Who cares? Charming.

I don't see much love being exhibited in that situation. Horrible.

paulineb_2

Im not anti marriage, Ive just never been in a relationship that was strong enough to even consider it. The problem is, you want to, he doesnt. I think you need to realise that he loves you regardless, if you dont feel that then you maybe need to make some decisions.

Because he might feel resentful if pushed into a marriage he doesnt want and you might feel resentful that he doesnt want to marry you.

sweaty_betty

Hello An9i
I remember having a discussion about marriage, my OH just didn't get why it was important.

If I remember correctly, I explained exactly why it was important to me, then that was the end of the discussion for a while. Then I tried to get him to talk about why he wasn't that bothered, mainly so I could understand. A previous poster said that maybe he doesn't know why he's not interested in marriage, that could be true, but I'm sure it would help you both if he could give some thought to it (I know I sometimes stop and really try to work out why I'm feeling the way I do about certain things - often emotional issues - which actually really helps me to work things out in my head). We then left it for a while, possibly had an argument about it at one stage, then as time went by we discussed it and eventually agreed to get married.

He's not very romantic either, but really enjoyed the "getting married" experience I believe (and I think he still enjoys being married to me ).

This might not be very helpful to you (sorry!) but just wanted to share our story. It's so easy to get caught up in the romance, when in fact it's sometimes better for a couple to work together towards getting married and that can mean a lot of talking, sharing thoughts and feelings etc. to find a state which works for both (sadly, a bit like a business deal ).

paulineb_2

Bazey wrote: »

Are you all on the blob this week? Good grief.

Sometimes your posts are funny. Sometimes.......

Not.

mcja

Me and my hubby were together 5 years when we had 'the chat'. He fobbed me off until I kicked off and demanded and explanation about why he didn't want to marry me. He said he didn't see the point as all the marriages he knew had ended in divorce. I pointed out the only one I knew was his parents and if he wasn't prepared to marry me I wasn't having a future and family with him. I implied I would stay for the time being.

About 6 months later he proposed. We have been married 10 years and have two little [STRIKE]toads[/STRIKE] kids together.

Xx

poet123

notanewuser wrote: »

Why not? It's true. If you want the sparkly ring, don't go popping out kids and buying houses together!!! Most men would probably prefer not to get married (the old "ball and chain" connotations plus the biological urge not to stick with one partner) so will need coercion if that's what the woman really wants.

I agree with the bit I have bolded but do you really think most men need coercion? Really?

I would rather be single than be with a man I had to coerce.

an9i77

paulineb wrote: »

Because he might feel resentful if pushed into a marriage he doesnt want and you might feel resentful that he doesnt want to marry you.

This is the issue - if we both want different things then one of us will not get what they want, and resent the other person.

I don't see how we can both win on this one unless one person is able to willingly compromise and give up what they would ideally want for the sake of the other person

If he doesn't want to get married, either I give up my ideals of getting married and compromise

Or he realises how important it is to me and gives up his ideals of not getting married and compromises

At the moment I am feeling like, if he does not want to get married does he really want to be with me, or is it just easier to stay with me than leave.

And, if he does not want to get married do I really want to be with him, even though due to kids/ finances it is not really an option to leave

I don't want this to turn into something that makes me slowly resent him over a period of time, which could seriously erode the relationship, so it needs to be resolved. Already I am beginning to feel resentful towards him over this - not good.

I've a friend who was in a similar situation and eventually gave her bloke an ultimatum but I've always thought that's a bad idea as a) what happens if they still say no and b)I wouldn't want to be standing next to the altar with anyone if I thought they didn't really want to be there.

I'd be willing to wait a few years / have a long engagement if he thinks he wants to get married in the future just not now, but this latest development (since our friends wedding) has made me feel like he doesn't even want that.

Anyway it's good to hear from others who've been in a similar boat.