Why doesn't he want to marry me?

notanewuser

poet123 wrote: »

None of the men I know who are married had to be co-erced.

Really, it is an anathema to me that you would have to do that. Why bother? You cajole and co erce a child into a routine which includes cleaning their teeth or having a shower or eating their greens. I would not be cajoling any man who wasn't champing at the bit to get married. What is the point?

That said, I wouldn't have had his children either.....or bought a house.

My male-bias brain doesn't understand it either. But I could easily name you 25-30 of my male friends or relations that have gone along with a wedding because "it was important to her", or "she gave me an ultimatum" without breaking a sweat. It's common in my circle, I suppose. (And interestingly within my parents' circle where long time marrieds have had affairs with younger women and had to marry them once caught.)

lutzi1

There's a strong assumption among many of the posters on here that weddings are something that only women want.

As a Registrar of marriages, I can tell you that it's more often the grooms who get really emotional during the ceremony - many of them are clearly absolutely delighted to be getting married to their wives. It's lovely to see when it happens.

MoneySavingMamma

I really hear you on this one.
I've been with OH nearly 12 years, and just had our 3rd baby.
The first few years we talked about it all the time, but as we were teenagers we felt it would be stupid to get engaged, and planned to wait until my 21st (5yrs together)
When I fell pg at 18, it brought us closer together, he bought a house for us etc, but after having the baby we were under alot of pressure financially, and crack appearred, which turned into craters! We stuck it through for the baby, and over the years (it really did take a few years to feel like a couple again, rather than parents that live together)
When DS turned 5 we decided to try for another baby, that came with it's own problems, that set us back again (miscarriage really messed me up)
We finally got engaged just after DS2 turned 1, no real build up, it just came into conversation before Xmas, I admitted that it was an issue that we weren't working towards getting married, and on New Year he took me away and proposed (it was supposed to be a surprise, but we never go away for new yr, so i did guess)
Everything back on track, looked to get married in next 1-2years, tried for no3. But now it's all slowed back down, he doesn't interact in any conversation I start on weddings/marriage, and to be honest I haven't brought it up in last 6months as I've lost interest, because he doesn't seem interested! I'm not going to railroad him into something. I feel dissappointed as it is something I wanted, and I think it's the right thing to do for us as a couple and a family to make us happier & stronger. I really want the same name as my children!

But if it's not to be, it's not to be. If marriage isn't on the cards, yes I would think carefully about the whole relationship, and see if it is viable or not as I believe on marriage, and wish it to be something to aim for & not take lightly. I think it provides extra stability for the relationship & the children.

I do wish we'd done it when we were young and 'crazy in love' rather than waiting so long that it isn't a priority, and it would be more for the kids, and sensible reasons!

Torry_Quine

I honestly can't understand if marriage is important to someone that they would live with someone have children and then wonder why marriage seems irrelevant to their partner.

MoneySavingMamma

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I honestly can't understand if marriage is important to someone that they would live with someone have children and then wonder why marriage seems irrelevant to their partner.

I can only speak for my circumstances, but marriage was very important/relevant to both of us at the start, and only held off on because of our age.
Partners family are very old fashion and everyone gets married before having children (ok some just before the birth! Lol)

It has become irrelevant to him, but to me with children it is more relevant! I do agree perhaps with the 2nd comment on this thread, why buy the cow when the milk is going free? But I might just be mardy with hormones!!

He does say he only ever wants to be with me, and he knows we'll get married one day, and he talks about when we have grandkids etc, so it's not like he is looking for something else, it's just he has no motivation or reason to do it any time soon! Which reads to me as in next 5 or more years!

Kynthia

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I honestly can't understand if marriage is important to someone that they would live with someone have children and then wonder why marriage seems irrelevant to their partner.

Have you not been reading the thread??? Most of the examples with children on here include an unplanned pregnancy, which does take some if the choices away. Otherwise I agree with you, as I refused to buy a property together or start a family until married, but I did move to his place as he said he couldn't imagine a life together and marriage without seeing how living together worked.

What I'm beginning to wonder is why the children of these unmarried couples are given the father's surname? Why do we not use the mother's surname and out of interest, would it make a difference to the fathers' thoughts of marriage in the future?

coolcait

Kynthia wrote: »

....

What I'm beginning to wonder is why the children of these unmarried couples are given the father's surname? Why do we not use the mither's surname and would it make a difference to the fathers' thoughts of marriage in the future?

I always find these threads full of pot kettle black moments:

- if s/he really loved me, s/he'd marry me! (if s/he really loved me, s/he'd be secure in our relationship as it is)

- if s/he has committed to the relationship by havng children, why is it so difficult to get married? (if I have committed to the relationship by having children, why is it so necessary to get married?)

- marriage is just a piece of paper (So is a will. It's just a bit of paper - what's the big deal about acquiring it?)

And so on.

As for the specific question about surnames, I really don't understand why this is an issue. If you want everyone on the family to have the same surname, then use the same surname.

There is no legal obligation for a woman to change her surname on marriage. There are legal ways for men and women to change their surname if they choose to do so - no marriage required.

Children of the union can be registered under the surname agreed by the parents/chosen by the person who registers the birth/argued about later.

From a cynical point of view, if a woman has doubts about how committed her partner/father of her children is to the relationship, here are some of her options when registering the child's birth:

- register the child as "child [father's surname]", with both mum and dad's names on the certificate. Dad gets parental responsibility, and a reminder that "This child is yours"

- register the child as "child [mother's surname]", with both mum and dad's names on the certificate. Dad gets parental responsibility, and a potential get out clause along the lines of "This child is yours, not mine"

- register the child as "child [mother's surname]", with only mum's name on the certificate. Dad gets no parental responsibility, and a very clear message that "This child is mine, not yours". Not the best indication of commitment, it has to be said.

As a fully paid up romantic pragmatist, my view is that if you believe that you and your partner, and children, are in it for life, then a brief, cheap legal ceremony - known to some as marriage - plus a will, is the best belt and braces approach to making sure that the legal side of it is all neat and tidy.

I'm old-fashionedly pragmatic enough to prefer the neatness of taking the following approach:

- marriage/wills
- children
- amended wills as required

daisiegg

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

I can only speak for my circumstances, but marriage was very important/relevant to both of us at the start, and only held off on because of our age.
Partners family are very old fashion and everyone gets married before having children (ok some just before the birth! Lol)

It has become irrelevant to him, but to me with children it is more relevant! I do agree perhaps with the 2nd comment on this thread, why buy the cow when the milk is going free? But I might just be mardy with hormones!!

He does say he only ever wants to be with me, and he knows we'll get married one day, and he talks about when we have grandkids etc, so it's not like he is looking for something else, it's just he has no motivation or reason to do it any time soon! Which reads to me as in next 5 or more years!

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't understand how you could have thought you were too young for marriage, but not too young to have children and a mortgage?

daisiegg

Kynthia wrote: »

What I'm beginning to wonder is why the children of these unmarried couples are given the father's surname? Why do we not use the mother's surname and out of interest, would it make a difference to the fathers' thoughts of marriage in the future?

Definitely this!

I have always said that if I had a child without being married - hopefully something that is unlikely to happen now as I am married! - I would give the child my name. I really don't understand why unmarried women give their children the father's name. For me, having the same name as my children would be incredibly important, whether I was married or not.

Vicky123

lutzi1 wrote: »

There's a strong assumption among many of the posters on here that weddings are something that only women want.

As a Registrar of marriages, I can tell you that it's more often the grooms who get really emotional during the ceremony - many of them are clearly absolutely delighted to be getting married to their wives. It's lovely to see when it happens.

My ex had tears in his eyes too, not altogether sure it was joy though, no tears from me, just as well as they have been much needed since!
On a more serious note if it were me I would just completely drop the idea, maybe the fact someone knows your desperate to marry is at the root of it, if children and mortgage is already here then at what point does he feel the need to make an effort?
It may be old fashioned but then wanting to be married is quite old fashioned so putting the cart before the horse isn't the best way to achieve that big day although it will achieve all the other bits and if he wants to leave he will, married or not, if he wants to be mean, he will married or not, most likely people who live together with all the trimmings are less likely to feel the need to marry, it opens up the "what's the point" argument.