Why doesn't he want to marry me?

catkins

paulineb wrote: »

But sometimes people get pregnant before they plan to marry, it happens.

And walking away from kids doesnt just happen when someone isnt married. My dad walked away from me after my mum and he got divorced, if someone doesnt want to be in your life, they'll exit it regardless.

I dont think its just a piece of paper either, but relationships fail, marriage or no marriage. If something is in trouble, the fact that people are married wont necessarily save it.

Yes I know sometimes women get pregnant before they plan to marry and, of course, that is what happened in this particular case which is why the OP has the problem she has.

Ideally if you don't get pregnant first you can make it clear that you do not intend having children before being married. It should be reasonably easy in this day and age not to get pregnant unless you want to. Accidents do happen but there really should not be the amount of "accidents" that there are.

I agree that people walk away from children whether they are married or not. I was just answering someone who said children are a bigger commitment than being married because in my view they are not.

Relationships fail whether the couple are married or not admittedly but often because people just do not try any longer. I am not suggesting that if you are really unhappy or in an abusive relationship you should stay together but people walk away after such a short time and often for the silliest of reasons. Lots of people now go into marriage thinking "if this doesn't work I can get divorced" and while that may be true it is hardly a good attitude to enter marriage with is it? Me and OH entered marriage believing that it will be "till death us do part". We have had our rough patches like anyone else and could easily have called it a day but we didn't because we believed our vows meant something

paulineb_2

Accidents do happen. My friend got pregnant while on the pill, she married her partner, they were always intending to get married. The only way not to ensure getting pregnant is not to have sex in the first place.

Im just not sure its a good idea to have such strong views about having kids before marriage being wrong, because if someone is having sex, even with contraception, that contraception could fail.

Any

catkins wrote: »

It's not just about the marriage certificate though - it's about making a commitment by getting married. Lots of people believe strongly in marriage.



Yes sadly lots of people do get married and then divorced soon after. However there are still men and women who believe in marriage and think it is a sign of commitment. I know my nieces (aged from 19 to 27) all believe strongly in marriage and do not think having a baby before being married is right.

I don't think it just a piece of paper and think it is sad that some people do.

Plenty of people walk away from children, especially men. I know quite a few single mums whose children have no contact with their dads whatsoever at the dad's choice.

This!!

And don't be fooled into the fact that having wills will completely replace the law of having a marriage certificate..
Don't forget about the free IHT transfers to spouses, transfering of assets while alive etc..

Any

paulineb wrote: »

Accidents do happen. My friend got pregnant while on the pill, she married her partner, they were always intending to get married. The only way not to ensure getting pregnant is not to have sex in the first place.

Im just not sure its a good idea to have such strong views about having kids before marriage being wrong, because if someone is having sex, even with contraception, that contraception could fail.

I don't think that is wrong.
As long as they both know and are happy the marriage part won't happen..

The same the other way round... when 2 people decide to get married and 10 years down the line find that one always wanted 5 children and the other one none!!

Any

redjacket wrote: »

Of course, the final one is very much a rational reason - if you've read through one of the other threads in this forum, there's a guy who's divorcing his wife, and as a result, she's asking for him to basically pay for her to stay in the marital home and never work for the remainder of her life, and she has a solicitor that's telling her that this is a reasonable thing to do. While I'd hope that I'd never want to marry somebody who'd be tempted to do something like that, it shouldn't necessarily be a great surprise that men don't want to get married if it ends up with them being expected to live out of their cars if it goes bad at any point. You have to start to question what's in it for him.

Absolutely perfect example of why marriage is important..
Because unless you did that, you can.... +

have 2 children, walk away and just pay 20% of your salary in CSA while the woman who you originaly made this "commitment" of having children to cannot work with 2 children, or cannot go out, or cannot afford a nursery 5 days a week AND lost time in her career because originaly man promised to bring the wage in if you will wash his dirty underpants...
Let's face it, all these sacrifices for family usually fall down to a woman. Sometimes to a man, and then we would have the same situation... just man would be the one short.

Lovely.

Jennifer_Jane

Any wrote: »

This!!

And don't be fooled into the fact that having wills will completely replace the law of having a marriage certificate..
Don't forget about the free IHT transfers to spouses, transfering of assets while alive etc..

Absolutely agree.

People diminish marriage as "Just a little bit of paper". Well, it's a highly important little piece of paper. The Law understands marriage and caters better for it than for people living together.

Wills can be changed, the marriage contract allows for this and safeguards against it (for example).

Having a huge chunk of tax taken off your partner's estate if he or she dies would make me think that the marriage contract would be a good idea.

lostinrates

paulineb wrote: »

Accidents do happen. My friend got pregnant while on the pill, she married her partner, they were always intending to get married. The only way not to ensure getting pregnant is not to have sex in the first place.

Im just not sure its a good idea to have such strong views about having kids before marriage being wrong, because if someone is having sex, even with contraception, that contraception could fail.

I agree with any, that I don't think its wrong, but I do think it wouldn't have been for me.

Contraception might well fail. Personally, I would not have felt adverse to making circumstances right in advance of a child's arrival, or deciding not to have the child. I recognise as well that my 'right' is wrong for other people, thank god for choice.

While pregnancies happen with contraception, births usually happen by choice, not the wrong choice, but choice.

I have no religious issue abut marriage, personally I think all civil marriages should be equal status civil partnerships and faith groups left to make their own decision about further ceremony of 'marriage' and to whom they offer that and the state should keep put of that. I also have no fervour about children being brought up with in marriage. I think children should be brought up in loving, preferably stable environments. I also think, fwiw, that families and marriages/partnerships are different, and that while partnership/marriage is a foundation for r many families its not the remit of children, and is separate from them.

Person_one

bugslet wrote: »

28 years unmarried and our wills are made in favour of each other. When he dies, his estate is realtively insignificant and the implications therefore are pretty much nil. I do wish if people choose not to get married, they would make some plans and save themselves a lot of heartache later.

Have you discussed what would happen if one of you became seriously ill and unable to make decisions?

lostinrates

Jennifer_Jane wrote: »

Absolutely agree.

People diminish marriage as "Just a little bit of paper". Well, it's a highly important little piece of paper. The Law understands marriage and caters better for it than for people living together.

Wills can be changed, the marriage contract allows for this and safeguards against it (for example).

Having a huge chunk of tax taken off your partner's estate if he or she dies would make me think that the marriage contract would be a good idea.

The other important thing is that some people choose actively, rather than by omission NOT to have the commitment of marriage and not getting married of having the rights of marriage is a choice they make and so must be provided for by not having the rights as well as the responsibilities of that 'piece of paper' thrust upon them.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

Have you discussed what would happen if one of you became seriously ill and unable to make decisions?

Excuse me for answering for her, but i think this might be a little sensitive. Bugslet happens to me in exactly that position at the moment, her partner is in decline. .

She is being treated completely as his NOK, thankfully for them.