Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

poet123

Dimey wrote: »

Fair enough.

But it has been 2 months and the Father is in rehabilitation, not hospital.

I wonder whether there's another way OP can illustrate his point that he and children want more of Mum's undivided attention, given that discussion hasn't worked.

Mum is not an automaton to be directed to do xyz.

Given that this seeming disconnect from the family is apparently not tied to the illness you have to wonder why the OP chooses now to make a stand.

He has three children, why? Did the mother want three or was she persuaded? What exactly does he want his wife to do on a daily basis? Yes, there may issues in the marriage but this is not the time to resolve them, bring them to a head maybe, but the outcome will mot be what the op desires. Guaranteed.

Dimey

Person_one wrote: »

Two months is nothing in stroke rehab terms, the OP admits he can't even walk unaided!

He's also at a high risk of another stroke in the months after his first.

Agreed but Person One, there must be a compromise somewhere. Even one evening a week for the Mum to spend with children and OP, while her sister or brother visit Father?

I reckon OP's wife also needs one evening a week to herself to recuperate. The OP could visit the Father then.

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

Two months is nothing in stroke rehab terms, the OP admits he can't even walk unaided!

He's also at a high risk of another stroke in the months after his first.

True, I just felt some where painting the picture blacker than it might be. Assumptions are perhaps being made. I do have experience of elderly parents having strokes/disability so do understand how it can knock you and pull you in two directions.
But not being able to walk unaided doesn't necessarily mean having to be there every day after work to the extent you rarely see your children. I personally have lived with not being able to walk unaided so I do know what it is like.

The Op seems to believe his wife was absenting herself from her children before her fathers stroke and he's worried about it.

Gigglepig

In a time of crisis like this, it sounds like OP's wife does very well if she does work AND housework AND cares for her ill father. It sounds like hard work, well done for her. I hope you are proud of her OP and have told her that.

Lots of people have demanding jobs where they don't get much quality time with their kids during the week. OP just a thought, do you think your attitude and expectations regarding "quality time" would have been different if this concerned a man commuting to a city job, trying to support their family?

I would try to take on all the housework and cooking for a while and discuss with the wife how to best help her so the little time she does have at home with family can be spent on other things than housework. How can the kids help, would a cleaner coming in once a week free up some time?

I would not be too concerned about the kids, if they can spend family time with you when she is away. It sounds like their mum is a good role model. You and the children could also come along on some of her visits, spending time together as a family?

Dimey

Yes, this visiting Father situation has obviously brought a long niggling problem to a head.

If the family don't address it and find an acceptable solution for all, they'll be destined to live their separate lives just house sharing.

The danger is that sooner or later one of them (parent or child) will get so fed up with that, they'll leave to build a happier life.

SKYDT

At last...... :-)

I am getting the sort of replies I was half-expecting from the beginning.

And despite what FBaby has said, I WAS expecting views opposite from mine, and 'that' in particular was one reason why I was writing - to make sure that I didn't just consider my own blinkered view. However, I was NOT expecting the backlash I initially got. I appreciate that I did not give ALL the details - I wrote a page as it was; and I thought people would be bored with that already! lol....

I appreciate that people have different views, either supporting my wife or myself. I am interested to real all the views. But I especially welcome Kiki's latest post! She thinks the same way as I do - and how I thought when I first posted.

KiKi wrote: »

My perspective (not just on this thread, incidentally, but generally on forums):

Sympathetic
"Oh, poor you! Have you tried talking to your wife?"

Neutral
"Try talking to your wife."

Unhelpful
"You're a sulky child, I mean, have you even tried talking to your wife, or can't you be bothered?"

I think the poster has reacted to the last type of post which, I don't believe, is helpful - the suggestion is lost in the criticism.

Personally, when I reply to someone's post, I am typically more neutral in my replies, as I understand no one but any original poster will understand the FULL situation. Possibly erring on the Sympathetic. I feel most of the original replies came down hard on me.

Never mind..things have improved :-)

I will reply to some comments now....

SKYDT

I don't think its helpful with people persisting with the idea that my FIL is a 'sick, old man' or 'seriously ill, possibly dying parent'. Just just makes me look terrible by questioning my wife's on-going visits.

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But he isn't seriously ill and possibly dying. He had a stroke and is now receiving rehab treatment and is well, happy and expected to live a full and long life.

Which is how I see it - though I cannot say about the 'full and long life'. Who could say...?
However, I DO expect him to remain disabled without full sue of an arm and a leg. I don't yet know what that means for us all in the future, and will need to be discussed by the larger family group.

On to Nimbo's comments:

nimbo wrote: »

Her parenting may just be 'different' from yours... I'm assuming that she is meeting all the needs of the children - eg food, and care etc, or you would have started a very different thread...

Yes, she meets ALL their physical needs. Food, clothes, school, medical etc.etc.. But, in 'my' view, none of their 'emotional' or 'mental' needs.

If we each think back to our own childhood at home, what do we remember. The times our parents bought us clothes, or fed us a nice Sunday roast? Or....the happy memories of kicking a ball in the garden, or chatting over a story book, or a visit to the park. At the moment, I don't think my children will have any of these latter memories involving their mother :-(

Dimey - your rota is how 'I' would organise things, but I don't feel in a position to dictate such a thing to wife on her wider family.
And I've just read that poet123 thinks the same. Somehow I have to get her to realise it herself.

On to Kynthia's comments:

Kynthia wrote: »

If the issue is about your concerns that your wife doesn't spend quality time with the children, and this predates your FIL's stroke, then dealing with it will have to wait. Now will not be the time to deal with it. Later on you can suggest family days out and cinemas trips together.

This is my difficulty. I suspect that the FIL's situation will ALWAYS be an issue. Whether she's visiting him now in the rehab centre, or if he goes to some other supported accom. I have to be SO careful - I want to discuss things more openly, but it will ALWAYS seem that I am being harsh with regards to the FIL. Yet I can see this going on for years and years with no change. Until it's too late - the kids become teenagers and won't talk to 'us' when we want to talk to them!

I keep meaning to stop, and then some more posts come along....
Now I see:

poet123 wrote: »

Mum is not an automaton to be directed to do xyz.

Given that this seeming disconnect from the family is apparently not tied to the illness you have to wonder why the OP chooses now to make a stand.

He has three children, why? Did the mother want three or was she persuaded? What exactly does he want his wife to do on a daily basis? Yes, there may issues in the marriage but this is not the time to resolve them, bring them to a head maybe, but the outcome will mot be what the op desires. Guaranteed.

You're right that the issue pre-dates the stroke. I mentioned before, I wish I had started a different thread. Indeed, is it possible to close this thread and I will start a different one - as we existed some years ago, before the stroke. The FIL's stroke just complicates an issue that existed before.

I do object to the subsequent suppositions though. WE BOTH wanted the children. There was no 'persuasion' or otherwise! I love my wife, and fancy her, and she has always loved children. She played with them all when they were babies/toddlers but has withdrawn since then.

---

Regarding 'what does OP want from his wife'.....

It's not really what I want from her, but what I want from 'us' as a family. I want us to lead a happy, fulfilling, loving, and 'balanced' life. I am totally supportive of her FIL and of her visiting her FIL. I am also totally supportive of her having free time to go out with friends for coffee, cinema whatever. Likewise I need some 'personal' time, and so do the kids; to do their own things.

But I also want us to be a FAMILY. Able to talk, and listen to each other. To trust each other. Share experiences and discuss our happiness and sadness of things.

This emotional side of family life is missing. I do what I can, but I don't feel a 'father figure' is enough to give the children what they need. Especially as two of them are girls....

(Is it possible to close a thread, in order to start a new one?)

poet123

I think some women relate better to children at certain ages. Perhaps your wife does better with babies and younger children?

Dimey

SKYDT wrote: »

(Is it possible to close a thread, in order to start a new one?)

You can start a new thread and let this one fizzle out or continue without you.

But think about what you want to discuss in a new thread to capture interest and opinion that will be constructive for you.

Alternatively you could just post in a different direction on this thread now you have people's interest and you've already worked at getting people to understand you.

wik

I have been in OP's wifes place, along with my brother!

2 n half years ago when our darling mum was nearing the end of her life, (my children and I live with my parents) I was off work for nearly a month, and mum came first... the children very helpful and got good at putting washing on and loading the dishwasher

In the last 2 weeks mum was in a local hospice, and didnt want to be alone, My brother who lives 3 n half hours away got compassionate leave and came up to stay, and my father, brother and I worked a rota over 24 hours so that one of us was always at the hospice with mum, My children were amazing.. as were my brothers wife and his teens. We all pulled together, it was bloody hard! and took a huge toll on us, but at the end of the day, mum felt safe in her last days with us around her.

OP, your wife may be scared stiff, having already lost her mum.

I know that some days I look at my dad, who at 72 is suddenly looking very tired and old and I dread if he takes ill.

I do have to say that children of the age of yours can be a very funny breed! I have my girls here, my son has left home, the girls are 14 & 17, and one day I am thier best friend and they just want to sit in lounge with me, watch a movie etc, then next day, I sit alone watching tv whilst they are upstairs doing their own thing... then the next day when I decide to watch music videos or play a computer game, I am a nasty mummy as I just want to do my thing! you shall soon learn that children are a very fickle breed!

Just one more little question OP... Do your children understand how sick thier grandpa has been? That is one thing that i regret, my mum hadnt wanted us to tell any of the grandchildren she was terminal and we had to do as she wished, even the eldest who was 21 wasnt told! My brother and I had to tell them all wnen she went into the hospice. I know its not quite the same with your FIL, but sometimes if children dont know all the story its hard for them to understand.



wik x