Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Father-in-law had a stroke. Spent a few weeks in hospital, now in rehabilitation centre. Has lost most of feeling in left arm and left leg and I suspect unlikely to recover much. His wife died a long time ago, so he had been living alone. Was quite fit and he managed quite well, alone.

My wife now visits him 5 times a week. Including travel to/from him, this takes up around 2 hours each time, sometimes 3 hours. On weekdays this means she gets home from work, stops 20 minutes then goes out. Returns after 2 of our 3 kids have gone to bed.

Weekends and weekdays, if she is not working, involves visiting him, doing house work, clothes shopping and spending time with her friends.

She spends little or no 'quality' time with either myself or the kids.

She is a great 'house-wife' in that she does all the necessary house-work, most of the cooking etc. I expect we have a typical 'domestic relationship' in that our responsibilities are shared in that she does most of the 'house-work' and I do all the 'organisational' stuff (ALL the finances, bills, insurances, holiday etc. etc...) I do 'some' of the other things - I always clear away/wash-up if she has cooked, and I do all the grocery shopping.

I am extremely concerned that she spends no quality time with the kids. She can devote 2 hours per day, around 5 times a week to her dad, yet can't devote 20 minutes (and that is 'literally'!) in a week (!) to our kids.

Her father has 2 daughters and a son, a brother and a close friend., all who visit him. His brother and close friend live locally to us. However, one daughter has recently had a baby daughter herself, and the son lives a few hours away - so those two find it a bit harder to visit.

Am I being un-reasonable to suggest she visit him less often?

Besides his arm and leg, he is quite well. Sat up and fully alert. He spends his day watching TV in communal room, chatting to other patients, reading newspapers and having physiotherapy.

Between his daughters, son, brother and close friend, there are 5 who can visit him, which means each could manage 1 or 2 visits per week. But wife wants to visit more.

When I challenge her she says he is lonely, and she wants to visit him more often. Before the stroke she visited him once a week (sometimes twice) at his home. She doesn't want to accept that our children hardly see her, even though 'they' are now asking why she has to go so often.

This is putting severe strain on our marriage, and family in general :-( Whenever I raise it as an issue, despite remaining totally calm, she dismisses me and blames me for all and sundry, including not supporting her.

I don't mind looking after the children, and I enjoy playing with them (they are 13, 11 and 10). But they get no quality time with their mum, and I believe this is affecting them. 'I' get no quality time with her either, which also concerns me, but less so.

I fully appreciate that she is busy (with work, house, father) but 'I' believe that her organisation and spread of priorities is incorrect.
I would be happy (though find it difficult) to take on more responsibilities/household duties myself, but historically, all this does is release more time for her to visit her dad, or friends or other non-family activities.

Matters are worse now that her father is in hospital, but were similar before. She still spent little time with 'us'. She says she doesn't like 'playing games' with the kids. I feel that her father is now just presenting her with an 'excuse' not to spend time with us.

Hmmmm.....reading back through this, it makes her sound worse than she is. She really is a nice person. I love her!

But I hate the fact that she cannot devote any quality time to our kids, and she doesn't even realise it is an issue. Despite my constant attempts, I feel that 'I' am struggling to satisfy our kids' 'emotional needs' alone.

Am assuming other families are in similar situations. Either the husband or wife not spending enough 'quality' time with their families.

I assume even more that there are other families that are having to deal with an elderly, hospitalised parent.

I'd be interested to hear of other people's experiences......

John

Gillyx

Her Dad had a stroke, maybe she feels he's not as invincible as we sometimes imagine our parents are and would like to spend more time with him. I'd give her a break in that aspect.

I don't however agree that any time she has outwith this should be spent shopping, she should be spending this time with your kids. This is what I'd bring up if you decide to.

I think it will settle down, if this is a recent development.

DUTR

I think you are being unreasonable, you can do the cooking n stuff, so that you can enjoy quality time when she does return, remember if it wasn't for her dad, you wouldn't have the lovely wife you have now, he made her remember, I take it you would do the same for your parents?

Kayalana99

Not much advice - even with all this information obviously you know her best. Do you think she goes their because she wants to see him? Or because she wants to get away from the family life? Is she feeling guilty for not seeing him more before this happended?

People react differently to the thought a loved one might not be their for much longer. Have you tried taking another approach...instead of asking her to spend more time with you perhaps try and find the underlining reason she wants to see her dad so much? Maybe you'd be more understanding if you knew why yourself? (Not saying she is right but if its to do with the fact she feels she could of lost her dad perhaps it would help you sleep at night instead of thinking shes avoiding you)

PuzzledDave

Can you all go as a family to see her father ?

Kayalana99

PuzzledDave wrote: »

Can you all go as a family to see her father ?

Thats what I was just thinking, mine are quite little but if my Dad was in hospital I would probably go and see him everyday (I appreciate this has been going on for a while though) but I wouldn't want to stop seeing my kids either...I'd take them with me when possible.

Prothet_of_Doom

Think out of the box. Don't you think she'd like to spend some time at home with the kids. Why not suggest that you go and visit him yourself twice a week? Perhaps take him to the pub ?

thorsoak

SKYDT wrote: »

Father-in-law had a stroke. Spent a few weeks in hospital, now in rehabilitation centre. Has lost most of feeling in left arm and left leg and I suspect unlikely to recover much. His wife died a long time ago, so he had been living alone. Was quite fit and he managed quite well, alone.

My wife now visits him 5 times a week. Including travel to/from him, this takes up around 2 hours each time, sometimes 3 hours. On weekdays this means she gets home from work, stops 20 minutes then goes out. Returns after 2 of our 3 kids have gone to bed.

Weekends and weekdays, if she is not working, involves visiting him, doing house work, clothes shopping and spending time with her friends.

She spends little or no 'quality' time with either myself or the kids.

She is a great 'house-wife' in that she does all the necessary house-work, most of the cooking etc. I expect we have a typical 'domestic relationship' in that our responsibilities are shared in that she does most of the 'house-work' and I do all the 'organisational' stuff (ALL the finances, bills, insurances, holiday etc. etc...) I do 'some' of the other things - I always clear away/wash-up if she has cooked, and I do all the grocery shopping.

I am extremely concerned that she spends no quality time with the kids. She can devote 2 hours per day, around 5 times a week to her dad, yet can't devote 20 minutes (and that is 'literally'!) in a week (!) to our kids.

Her father has 2 daughters and a son, a brother and a close friend., all who visit him. His brother and close friend live locally to us. However, one daughter has recently had a baby daughter herself, and the son lives a few hours away - so those two find it a bit harder to visit.

Am I being un-reasonable to suggest she visit him less often?

Besides his arm and leg, he is quite well. Sat up and fully alert. He spends his day watching TV in communal room, chatting to other patients, reading newspapers and having physiotherapy.

Between his daughters, son, brother and close friend, there are 5 who can visit him, which means each could manage 1 or 2 visits per week. But wife wants to visit more.

When I challenge her she says he is lonely, and she wants to visit him more often. Before the stroke she visited him once a week (sometimes twice) at his home. She doesn't want to accept that our children hardly see her, even though 'they' are now asking why she has to go so often.

This is putting severe strain on our marriage, and family in general :-( Whenever I raise it as an issue, despite remaining totally calm, she dismisses me and blames me for all and sundry, including not supporting her.

I don't mind looking after the children, and I enjoy playing with them (they are 13, 11 and 10). But they get no quality time with their mum, and I believe this is affecting them. 'I' get no quality time with her either, which also concerns me, but less so.

I fully appreciate that she is busy (with work, house, father) but 'I' believe that her organisation and spread of priorities is incorrect.
I would be happy (though find it difficult) to take on more responsibilities/household duties myself, but historically, all this does is release more time for her to visit her dad, or friends or other non-family activities.

Matters are worse now that her father is in hospital, but were similar before. She still spent little time with 'us'. She says she doesn't like 'playing games' with the kids. I feel that her father is now just presenting her with an 'excuse' not to spend time with us.

Hmmmm.....reading back through this, it makes her sound worse than she is. She really is a nice person. I love her!

But I hate the fact that she cannot devote any quality time to our kids, and she doesn't even realise it is an issue. Despite my constant attempts, I feel that 'I' am struggling to satisfy our kids' 'emotional needs' alone.

Am assuming other families are in similar situations. Either the husband or wife not spending enough 'quality' time with their families.

I assume even more that there are other families that are having to deal with an elderly, hospitalised parent.

I'd be interested to hear of other people's experiences......

John

No, it doesn't make her sound worse ...it makes you sound like a sulky child who isn't getting the attention that he wants!

This is her father who has suffered what could well be a life-changing event. He won't live forever, and she wants to spend time with him now - he is in hospital at the moment, after having been in hospital and then rehab, and now hospital again. Wouldn't you want her to visit you more if it were you in the place of her father?

Although I would suggest that she takes the children with her to visit their grandfather on occasion.

This sort of thing happens in all families at one time or another - when my mother was terminally ill in another city 80 miles away, I went to see her every weekend for nearly three months straight from work on Friday, and my OH would drive the children down on the Sunday and take me home - but for three months I didn't spend a Saturday with the children - and OH had to chase around between rugby/ballet/riding - AND making sure that school uniforms went in the wash on Saturday so that I could iron them on Sunday evening. But that's what families do.

Have you even thought about the strain it is putting on your wife? Maybe that's why she spends time with her friends shopping - so that she can offload to people who can empathise with what she and her father are going through.

paddy's_mum

Oh, for heaven's sake! The way you were talking, I assumed that she was 'abandoning' virtual babies not 10 - 13 year olds.

She's frightened for him and if you push very much harder, you will be the direct cause of a great deal of damage to your relationship.

The way you're whining, she probably thinks she's got four kids!

Mojisola

SKYDT wrote: »

Father-in-law had a stroke. Spent a few weeks in hospital, now in rehabilitation centre.

My wife now visits him 5 times a week. Including travel to/from him, this takes up around 2 hours each time, sometimes 3 hours.

Her father has 2 daughters and a son, a brother and a close friend., all who visit him. His brother and close friend live locally to us. However, one daughter has recently had a baby daughter herself, and the son lives a few hours away - so those two find it a bit harder to visit.

Given that he is in a centre and not sitting alone at home and that he has plenty of other visitors, I would guess that there is something else behind her behaviour.

It could be guilt that she doesn't think she spent enough time with him before the stroke.

It could be fear in that she's suddenly realised that he may not be around for much longer.

It could be that there are other reasons why she would rather visit him and spend time shopping and with her friends than at home with you and the children.

poet123

OP this happens in all families when parents get old and infirm, it passes, .........as do they.

Whilst you are in the midst of it you muddle through and share the load. I would never have forgiven my husband if he had put obstacles in the way of me doing what your wife is doing or moaned like a sulky teen. Support her in this and she will remember it forever, ditto, if you don't.