Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Quick one before I leave.....

Father HAS suffered a stroke.
WAS frightening at the beginning. ('I' was the one that diagnosed a possible stroke and took him to the hospital. 'My' father also had a stroke some time ago.)

However, this was almost 2 months ago now!

He is now up and about (with help). Reasonably healthy - in mind, if not, completely in body.

'My' father survived almost 15 years after his major stroke, and I have no reason to think FIL will not do similar. He 'was' always healthy, and seems reasonably happy now.

FBaby

I shall now point out that she has only recently 'started' work - 4 days a week.
'Before' she did not work at all, and spent most of this spare time clothes shopping and visiting friends.

OK, I might be totally missing the point, but I can't help but picture a mother/wife being totally taken for granted, getting gradually fed up with it all. When you say you do ALL the food shopping, you make it sound like it is of great help. Food shopping is far from the most stressful chores to do and certainly much quicker and less boring that washing and ironing.

Maybe we are very wrong in how we are reading your posts, but at the same time, it might very well be that we are picking something there that you haven't had the chance to reflect on before. You clearly love your wife and you are clearly feeling discontented so it might be worth to wonder, if only for a minute whether your wife might indeed be doing a lot more than you think and feeling under much more pressure than you imagine.

SKYDT

Fbaby - I guarantee I would NOT get a different reply. And THAT is my concern!

I have done that before. Rather than spend time with the kids she organised a trip to the cinema with her friends.

That's the problem. It doesn't matter if I take away any more chores from her - she fills that extra spare time with 'n0n-family activities....

Mojisola

SKYDT wrote: »

That's the problem. It doesn't matter if I take away any more chores from her - she fills that extra spare time with 'n0n-family activities....

In that case, a serious heart-to-heart talk is needed.

**Patty**

FBaby wrote: »

OK, I might be totally missing the point, but I can't help but picture a mother/wife being totally taken for granted, getting gradually fed up with it all. When you say you do ALL the food shopping, you make it sound like it is of great help. Food shopping is far from the most stressful chores to do and certainly much quicker and less boring that washing and ironing.

Maybe we are very wrong in how we are reading your posts, but at the same time, it might very well be that we are picking something there that you haven't had the chance to reflect on before. You clearly love your wife and you are clearly feeling discontented so it might be worth to wonder, if only for a minute whether your wife might indeed be doing a lot more than you think and feeling under much more pressure than you imagine.

Beat me to that one......

I can do a weeks shop for 5 of us in just under an hour.

An hour washing & ironing for 5 of us barely touches it

HPoirot

SKYDT wrote: »

At last.....two replies that have understood the situation :-)

FbAby says:
"Of course, that's assuming that your sense of dissatisfaction has only started since she had to care for her dad. If however it has brought to mind the fact that she has been avoiding spending time with you and the children before her dad fell ill, then that's another matter."

YES! The father situation is an added layer. I feel it gives her an excuse not to have to spend time at home.

And HPoirot:
"She is probably not a person who gets along well with children then. Although she does the housework and the looking after things, it seems she cannot bring herself to being involved with them."

That's what it is......

(I wish I had just talked about the family and not brought up the matter of the father-in-law, since that is just hiding the underlying issue.)

Paddy's mum-
I am starting to get a bit offended (and I am not usually offended) by people making out how jealous I am. Am I really so bad at wanting my wife to spend a little time with her own kids????

You have a suggestion of her giving up work.
I shall now point out that she has only recently 'started' work - 4 days a week.
'Before' she did not work at all, and spent most of this spare time clothes shopping and visiting friends.
'I' thought that with the spare time she would be able to do ALL the housework, and then have plenty of spare time to devote to the kids.
She didn't - which is when and why I started taking over some of the chores such as the grocery shopping - I did this BEFORE she started work, in an attempt to release even more spare time for her (she already had 7 days!) to spend with the kids!

Wow....this is getting hard work.

I was hoping for 'some' support and understanding......lol....

I'll come back later to read further replies/comments (and put-downs :-) )

I have to go now and prepare the evening meal.... (Yes I DO cook some days.....) Today was in the slow-cooker (as someone suggested earlier.....we already use one :-) But I have to prepare the rest of the meal :-)

So the issue was there long before her father became ill then. Have you ever talked about it? What makes her tick? Being a mother does not fulfil her so much; what does? You can both work towards a solution to the family life situation; as I said you can be the hands-on dad and she can do the things she enjoys doing; if it is house work or food shopping or bills, then so be it. The idea of a happy family where both parents offer equal attention to the family and do equal amounts of everything may not suit every family.

SKYDT

Fbaby (and others) - I DO appreciate the feedback. And I posted because I DID want to hear of any areas I might be over-looking myself. I appreciate it is easy to look from one's own point of view without being empathetic with the other.

However, I am starting to feel a bit put-upon, since I can't explain the complete situation. And people find it easy to pick holes in the little bits that I have explained :-(

Perhaps a one-to-one chat with someone would have been better.

Indeed, we have been to a counsellor together before! (I know, I never mentioned it before, but as I say, there are lots of things you can't put in to a short message).

This was a few years ago now, but the same issue. Her not spending enough (any!) time with the kids.

Perhaps I need to go back, alone, for further discussions.

**Patty**

Can i ask.......you seems quite adamant she must spend *quality time* with the children..... What is it you expect her to do?

You say she doesn't like playing games (not quite sure what games a 13yr old would play) or talking about their day.......so before she went to work, what did she do with them? When they were smaller what did she do with them?

I'm afraid you can't force someone to be the parent you want them to be. Only outcome you'll get from that is resentment......from her targeting all of you

FBaby

'My' father survived almost 15 years after his major stroke, and I have no reason to think FIL will not do similar. He 'was' always healthy, and seems reasonably happy now.

You are showing quite some resentment here, probably because this thread as turned upsetting. But surely you can see that you can't just assumed that because your father turned out fine, so will her father. It is totally genuine that she should worry about the future. Also, if he has been admitted for inpatient rehab care rather than just care at home, he is not 'only' a bit affected, but still seriously disabled that he would meet the criteria for NHS inpatient treatment.

pukkamum

Look at it this way if you were on your own rehabilitating after an extremely traumatic, life changing debilitating illness wouldn't you hope that one of your children would care enough to look after you this way.
Step up, support her, make her life as stress free as you can at such a terrible time for her.
Get the jobs done you say she does to avoid the kids. How about saying I'll do the ironing cleaning etc heres some cinema tickets for you and the kids.
Your petulance is really shining through, maybe there are more issues behind this but now is not the time to air them.