Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

JoW123

I think part of the problem OP is that you're saying you can't write the whole story so people are commenting on the bits you have put. If there is more to the picture it's very difficult to give advice that will help.

If your wife has spent years at home looking after the children maybe she feels like it's her dad's turn for the time now? If she hasn't been spending quality time with the children for years then the issue is obviously something different to his illness.

SKYDT

Duchy - I find your comments confusing.

I have described what 'I' mean by quality time.
You said:
"Eating a meal with them , talking to them , going to the cinema, watching them play sport.....all things that perhaps your wife did more than you because you work longer hours. "

However, she did NOT do those things. Even when she didn't work at all! And THAT is what worries me. She doesn't talk to them, other than to instruct them or tell them off.

Meanwhile 'I' devote as much attention to them as I can. Playing when they want to. Or just chatting and 'having a laugh' with them. Rolling around on the floor. Whatever. Just giving them my full attention.

You mention I claimed to be a 'traditional family' I don't 'think' I ever did. I probably mentioned that I think I am a typical family, whereby we share the chores between us in some manner. Perhaps not completely evenly - certainly not when she didn't work at all, and still not, now that she works 4 days, compared to my 5. But split to some degree. Am sure each family shares chores to some degree or other.

Perhaps it is just me, but if 'I' were the father in hospital, and 'my' daughter had children, I hope I would be understandable. Of course I would love visits, but not to the detriment of my grandchildren. And certainly not if I wasn't in a critical condition.

(In fact I DID recently spent a week in hospital myself....)

poet123

Can I ask why you had three children if you had such doubts about your wife's parenting abilities?

SKYDT

Paddy's mum - you are now making a very valid point. And am VERY weary of the implications.

I 'want' her to spend quality time with the kids, but know I can't force her. Do I accept it. 'Can' I accept it.

I know I should and probably need to. But I know my kids are going to suffer.

Someone also asked if the kids have made comments.
Yes they most certainly have! Often.
Usually to me, but sometimes direct to their mum.
They question why she won't spend time with them. Why she can spend SO much time with their grampie, but NO time with them.
I try to explain, but I don't fully understand it myself....

FBaby

So the children have a father who gives them much quality time and a mum who doesn't. Have they suffering from it? You haven't yet said anything about how the KIDS feel, what they have said to her, how it is affecting them in their relationship, at school, etc...

Most kids to tend to have a parent who provides more quality time than the other, but the other can be a good parent in other ways, by ensuring for exemple that they are happy at school, that all their health needs are taken care of, that they are signed up to activities they enjoy etc... It usually balances out.

Goldiegirl

Your wife sounds like a thoroughly decent sort of person to me, who is doing her best to support her dad.

I've been there myself with elderly and infirm parents, and for four years, there wasn't much in the way of quality time.

In fact at some points, my idea of quality time was to slump in a chair and stare mindlessly into space.

However, I coped - mainly though the support of my husband, who made no demands on me at all - he was just there when I needed him.

I was so tired and stressed and worried, that somebody almost forcing me to have 'quality time' would have probably been the thing to push me over the edge.

Just be there for her, do everything you can to help, and if she's not up for 'quality time' with the children, you can do that for her too.

Just leave her be to deal with this major upheaval that she and her dad are trying to cope with

KiKi

I must be the only one who can see more of the OP's side, here!

If the FIL was critical, then so be it - she has to be with him. But he's not critical. This is months on, he's in rehab, getting help. And whilst it's important she spend time with him each week, if it means ignoring the children and using any free time to go out to the cinema with friends instead, that's not helpful. In addition, this is a habit continued from well before the FIL was ill, so it's not new.

People may have almost missed that his wife works PT, so I'm not surprised that the division of chores isn't exactly 50/50 - I would expect to do more if I worked part time, that's just fair.


OP, I haven't experienced what you have, but I have three suggestions for you:

a) Don't make the FIL the issue, ever. You will never be able to argue that (as you've learnt from your responses on here where some people have not heard the real issue underlying it all!). You need to talk to her about how she isn't spending time with the children, what they're feeling, and how it impacts them. Give her concrete examples of when she's ignored the kids, or shooed them away.

b) Then offer to take some more pressure off her. I know you've done it before, but try again. Get a cleaner in / someone to wash and iron whilst they're there. Try it for a month, or six weeks, not a one off (because your wife does *also* need time out with friends). If she spends that freed time exclusively with friends or going out for six weeks or whatever, and hasn't heard the concerns about the children, then you know you have a real problem

c) Ask her what she needs in order to free up time for the kids (don't bring you into it, yet). Follow through with it. If she then doesn't follow up with spending time with them, then I can't see you have any choice but to go back to counselling to work it through.


FTR, I don't think you sound petulant at all. I think you sound like a reasonable, concerned dad who, in addition, probably is a bit resentful of the quality time your wife spends with her dad - but for good reasons.

Best of luck with it all.
KiKi

paddy's_mum

Well, if so many of us have got totally the wrong end of the stick, I can understand that you would feel offended. However, most of us perceived and reacted to your obvious resentment and that is as a direct result of what you wrote.

SKYDT wrote: »

The solution is compromise. By me. And by her.

But I ask again - how are you going to force her to do so? What can you do if she refuses? How far are you prepared to go to make her bow to your wishes and your perceptions of how a mother ought to behave? Have you the right to even try to dictate how she feels or conducts her relationships with you, her father and her children?

In all honesty, I believe you are on a losing wicket and to keep on about this is going to achieve absolutely nothing but more anger, more distress, more damage.

I wish you luck in trying to achieve what you want but I strongly suspect that all you will gain in the long run is hostility and disharmony.

FBaby

Usually to me, but sometimes direct to their mum.
They question why she won't spend time with them. Why she can spend SO much time with their grampie, but NO time with them.

Than if you want to help your children and wife and be supportive, you should be telling them that she is going through a difficult time at the moment, that she is very tired and the more that can be done to help, the easier it would be for her to have time for them, but that it would help her if they told her rather than you.

I have to say I'm a bit confused because you say it's always been like that, but then it would seem it all started to become an issue since she has been seeing her dad. If it was a problem before, was things said then or is it that it wasn't so bad before, but has now become an issue?

I strongly believe that she should be listening and talking to your children. Either by accepting that they are genuinely suffering and therefore accepting to make an effort to spend more time with them (but preferably by dropping off other things than seeing her dad), or at least explained to them that she understands how they feel and wants to spend more time with them but she needs them to be a little bit more patient because her dad really needs her badly at the moment, but will make it up to them very soon.

SKYDT

Hmmm....another very reasonable and supportive reply. From Kiki.

Thank you so much.

(Although I'm not sure I'm allowed to thank the supportiver replies, since I am then being criticised for only thanking those who say 'what I want to hear'. I can't win either way! lol..)

I have to go now, but I WOULD like to discuss your points Kiki a little later. Perhaps once I have put the kids to bed.