Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

Tish_P

If "almost two months" is a ridiculously long time to be spending every spare minute with a seriously ill, possibly dying parent, I'm curious to know how long you think would be appropriate?

It sounds like you don't think her mothering style is the best for your kids, and that is a common point of disagreement which in normal times you could work on together - if you're a naturally more involved and hands-on parent, perhaps the two of you could work towards you becoming the stay-at-home parent?

But you are picking the worst possible time and way to bring the matter to a head. If you want to save the marriage, cut her a few months' slack, provide the support she needs, and appropach these problems later when she isn't exhausted and anxious.

FBaby

The three advices that kiki has written were suggested before by other posters, however, you do seem not to want to hear from those who offer advice but without the sympathy.

I think I will stop writing as you are clearly not interested in reading my posts (and others) which is fine as obviously your choice to ignore them.

KiKi

FBaby wrote: »

The three advices that kiki has written were suggested before by other posters, however, you do seem not to want to hear from those who offer advice but without the sympathy.

Plagiarism is my forte, you know. I don't think my response was particularly sympathetic, I can just see both sides, that's all.


My perspective (not just on this thread, incidentally, but generally on forums):

Sympathetic
"Oh, poor you! Have you tried talking to your wife?"

Neutral
"Try talking to your wife."

Unhelpful
"You're a sulky child, I mean, have you even tried talking to your wife, or can't you be bothered?"


I think the poster has reacted to the last type of post which, I don't believe, is helpful - the suggestion is lost in the criticism. Of course, anyone is entitled to their opinion and can post it; however, I can understand why someone reacts to it in that way. I think most people find it hard not to take those sort of responses personally.

That's the deal with forums, though - you'll get all sorts of responses, love 'em or hate 'em. It's why I only respond and don't post questions anymore!

KiKi

Tiglath

Howabout discussing with your children how THEY can help their Mum? They're old enough to understand that, at least partly, and they can be learning a valuable lesson at the same time.

angelsmomma

If your response to people disagreeing with you on this thread is an example of how you respond to your wife, I am not surprised she avoids you. You should be telling the children that grampie is a sick old man and mum is needed by him at the moment.

If you continue on at your wife and her father dies while you are whining about quality time you could find yourself without her at all.

I am not usually a critical poster but your attitude reminds me of why I prefer being a single mum. All this talk of 'chores' and who does what, for goodness sake, how old are you?

Brighton_belle

Tish_P wrote: »

If "almost two months" is a ridiculously long time to be spending every spare minute with a seriously ill, possibly dying parent, I'm curious to know how long you think would be appropriate?

But he isn't seriously ill and possibly dying. He had a stroke and is now receiving rehab treatment and is well, happy and expected to live a full and long life.

Shineyhappy

A lot of the posters seem to only see the wife's point of view or the OP but not the kids.

I have been in the position that your children seem to be in when I grew up, except neither of my parents was interested in me. All they cared about was my school grades and that was it. Like your kids, I asked my mum why this was and she told me (whilst I was 10 or 11) that she only had children because my dad wanted them and that was because his friends did.

Neither of my parents was kind or caring and both expected me to look after my younger brother and a lot of the housework so they could do their own thing. My mum spent a lot of time visiting her parents because it was her duty and she always made it clear her duty was to them and not to my younger brother and I. This is all I can remember and as a result I never felt loved or wanted by either of them.

I think you need to talk to your wife and ask her what you can do as a family to be able to spend some quality time together, ask her what she would like to do with the kids. Maybe suggest getting a cleaner or paying the kids to help out with a few chores so that she has some more time. But to be frank, it doesn't seem like she does want a good relationship with the kids and if she doesn't then you can't force her but you should ask her how she thinks the kids are feeling and let her know that they miss her.

I hope that you manage to sort things out, if not I think that you just have to find some fun things to do with the kids and make the most of them whilst you still can.

FBaby

I agree Kiki but I didn't show some understanding:

Maybe we are very wrong in how we are reading your posts, but at the same time, it might very well be that we are picking something there that you haven't had the chance to reflect on before.

However, the only things OP picked up from what I wrote was what was supportive of how he felt. Any suggestions of how his wife might feel has been totally ignored or dismissed as not the case.

It makes me feel that all he cares to read are posts that agree with how he sees the situation, rather than trying to consider how others might see it, which could very well be how his wife sees it too, ie differently to him.

FBaby

But he isn't seriously ill and possibly dying. He had a stroke and is now receiving rehab treatment and is well, happy and expected to live a full and long life.

If he is in rehab, he is highly expected to be seriously disabled, potentially for life. Do you have to be dying to receive care and support from your close family? For all we know, that poor man who has lost his wife and was highly functioning is petrified at his future prospect. Maybe he needs some intense psychological support to get over it. Active patients who suffer from a disabilitating stroke often suffer from severe depression afterwards and the love and care of your children can make the whole difference in how well you recover.

nimbo

Hi,

Firstly,

It must be a really hard time right now, but I think that it's really important to focus on the importance of ALL the factors going on on your wife's life right now. Her dad is in a strange place, being bathed, and bottom wiped by strangers facing his own mortality. He must be to say the very least scared, and distressed. He raised your wife, and she is doing all she can to make him feel at home and looked after.

Secondly,
Her parenting may just be 'different' from yours... I'm assuming that she is meeting all the needs of the children - eg food, and care etc, or you would have started a very different thread... As you haven't given much detail we can only hypothesize - is there a chance you have different ideas about 'quality time', you may have felt that as a child you loved the times your mother/ father / aunty / uncle played monoploy (insert any other game name here) with you (or felt this was lacking, and are now making up for this)...

She however may have HATED all of that with her family, or may just never have done it. There are different levels of not interacting, and as someone pointed out earlier she may just be so exhausted that she doesn't have the energy to do these things.

When have the children commented - was it post stroke, or pre stroke... Currently they may be picking up on your anxieties, and voicing these feelings... And although it may be frustrating putting her focus on her dad right now is necessary - his life has changed potentially forever, and he may now forever more be stuck in residential care. Try to put yourself in his shoes... The highlight of his day is seeing his child - the same highlight as you seem to have...