Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

poet123

What does constitute spending quality time with children in a busy week? For most families I suspect it may fall short of your expectations, which seem quite high. Do you have an issue of your own surrounding your childhood and quality family time? I ask because you seem to be obsessed with this aspect. Your wife is at home doing family things such as washing, cooking, ironing etc, the children are around. It reads as if you want the 1950's housewife/mother tv scenario......

Dimey

Before my Mother died I spend 6 months visiting her for 6 hours every day (evenings through the week after work).

I didn't have children and I was exhausted. My sister who did have children visited one day a week.

I'm glad I did it but I can also see that for people with children there should be more of a balance. Especially once the patient is past the critical time and in rehabilitation.

Maybe you and your wife could compromise on visiting every other day. And the other family members could step in so Dad still sees someone every day.

I think there's more to this post though. I think you OP are feeling neglected and unloved. You want to be supportive and understanding of your wife's desire to be with her father while she doesn't know how much longer he has. But you are finding that hard because you want your wife to show you as much caring love as she's showing her Father.

Maybe the good old "date night" for just the two of you once a week will give you quality time together and discussion time to find compromise solutions to this type of predicament.

SKYDT

Fbaby - you are absolutely correct about my FIL. And that does concern me. He is unable to return home - he can't walk unaided, let alone cook/feed/wash etc for himself. I suspect that might not change, so he will need constant help. My father was fortunate in that he still had my mother who lived with him and cared for him. My MIL died some 15 or more years ago, so FIL does not have this benefit. I don't know what happens to him in the future.

Resentment...? Yes, I think I possibly am. But only to those comments that are picking holes in my story. My story cannot be complete, so I guess I was expecting people to understand that and be a bit more supportive.

For example, someone started saying I did no chores. I said I did 'some' including ALL the shopping. Someone else said but that takes no time to do on-line. So I said I did it physically and not online. Then someone else chimes in that shopping only takes a few hours. I KNOW all that. I was just trying to complete the picture each time.

FBaby

So her not spending enough time with the children has been going on for some time. Have the kids actually complained about it to her themselves?

paddy's_mum

Okay. I accept that you don't think that she gives enough quality time to you and/or the children. Her make-up, character and viewpoint is very different from your own.

So the question to be answered must surely be - how are you going to force her to be and do what you want her to be and do?

If the answer is (as it must be) that there is nothing you can do to compel her, then can't you accept the good that is in her and just agree to disagree?

Do you really want such a constant battle going on in your home, your marriage and your family life?

If, by some chance, you win this battle and she obeys you, do you think there might be a cost?

FBaby

resentment can grow very quickly in relationship and do a lot of damage. Could your wife also feel some resentment towards you? It is such a vicious circle when you get there because instead of focussing on what the other person might need to feel less resentful, one focus on what the other should do to make them feel better.

It sounds like you have fallen into that trap and it makes her want to escape, whilst during so is making your resentment turn into anger. I'm afraid the circumstances are such that you might need to make the first step because at the moment, it is likely she needs more of your support than you need of hers.

duchy

What is quality time spent with your children ? Eating a meal with them , talking to them , going to the cinema, watching them play sport.....all things that perhaps your wife did more than you because you work longer hours. Think of it as she at the moment has TWO jobs and a loving husband who supported her by taking some of her load can be a tremendous help. Just as she took on the "quality time" when your hours exceeded hers-now it's your turn. It's what marriage is all about -when the going gets tough you put your own needs aside and support your spouse.

My partner isn't the father of my son and he works some punishing hours but he does the thoughtful things. Days I've worked and he hasn't-he cooks -If I have other important things to do -he steps up to the plate. He makes sure my son is OK if I can't be there.

You talk about being a traditional family -well surely a traditional family is one where family values are important-where grandparents are important (and remember one day YOU may be that elderly parent recovering -would you like your children to be like you and say "Oh he's OK in hospital with just the nurses" and visit once a month ....or to be like your wife and give you reassurance and love with regular visits...... The example of your family values you pass to your children now will stay with them for life...and will impact directly on you later.

Frankly if I was your wife I'd be very disappointed in you and your attitude and when my Dad was better I'd be thinking about if I wanted to stay with a man who was so lacking in empathy for the rest of my life.

SKYDT

Hoorah for dimey.... :-)

43 posts later and at last someone seems to understand and offers some support :-)

THANK YOU DIMEY !

The solution is compromise. By me. And by her.

Her sister (with the baby) only visits once a week, and believes this is an acceptable compromise.
Her brother (lives a few hours away) only visits once a week, and believes this is an acceptable compromise.
(Both visited more often in the earlier days, when father was more critical).

Your comments:
"... I think you OP are feeling neglected and unloved. You want to be supportive and understanding of your wife's desire to be with her father while she doesn't know how much longer he has. But you are finding that hard because you want your wife to show you as much caring love as she's showing her Father."

'Almost' correct. Whilst I nearly agree with you, I am more concerned for our children being neglected, than for myself.

I DO want to arrange 'date nights' as you suggest, but whilst that would fulfill any of 'my' needs it does nothing for my children. If I free up time for her to spend with kids, she finds 'other' things to do :-(

I AM trying to be as supportive as I can.
To those who have questioned the meaning of 'quality time' I guess it just means devoting your attention to someone. So just being in the same room with the kids whilst everyone watches TV is not (in 'my' mind, quality time.)

When she visits her dad, she sits next to him for an hour and just chats. She NEVER does that with the kids. Not even for 10 minutes, let alone an hour.
She doesn't have to play a game.
Go for a walk.
Read a book.
Whatever.
Just demonstrate that they have her full and un-divided attention for a period of time.


Pukkamum - I'm fed up of getting comments such as 'my petulance'. I don't find them helpful, or indeed truthful. I've given up trying to reply to such messages.

FBaby

Gosh, I'm feeling guilty now and I am blaming you OP My kids have both come to talk to me as I was typing my responses and clearly wasn't paying attention to them as I should have, and now my husband is vaccuming the house as I'm typing more. I'm not trying to make a joke, it's true!

My husband is going for surgery tomorrow though so I will make it up and look after him properly and I am taking my kids out to eat Sunday evening, so hopefully all will be fine!

FBaby

43 posts later and at last someone seems to understand and offers some support :-)

mmm, I think it is more someone finally saying what you want to hear.

It's all well saying that her siblings should do more, but she can't make them do so, so she might feel she has no choice but to go every day (even if she is cross with them for not doing more).

If the main concerns is to do with the children, then it really is for them to tell her how they feel rather than you doing so as inevitably, she will think you are saying it to make her feel guilty.