Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Wow..... comments coming in thick and fast.... :-)

Seems I am coming off a lot worse than I was expecting to.....

I want to answer everyone's suggestions (and put-downs)....

The over-riding complaint (against me) appears to be that I am spoilt (perhaps I am a little), jealous ( yes, probably a little), lazy (I deny that quite strongly!)

I agree that household chores are not 50/50. But it's not far off! She works 4 days a week, I work 5. 'I' do ALL the grocery shopping - whereby I actually physically (not online) go to the shop once or twice a week, sometimes with kids. She does all the clothes washing and ironing.

MY over-riding concern is that she spends NO quality time with our kids. I appreciate that the kids (and I) are likely to be around a lot longer than her father. But......whilst some people have stated that if her father dies she can't get any time back, the same applies to the kids when they are young! I fully expect that as they hit their teens and beyond, they will want less and less to do with us parents. And these pre-teen days will be lost!

I am NOT (and have NEVER said) she should not visit her father. I have just said she should spread her time evenly. Even visit her father once a week less, and spend those 2 hours devoted to her kids.

Can you imagine going 4 out of the 5 week days and seeing your kids for just 15 minutes? And then it is whilst cooking, or cleaning, or ironing. They try talking to her, and she shoos them away.

HPoirot

SKYDT wrote: »

Hmmmm...interesting replies, and I appreciate the feedback. Of course, I don't agree with all of it, but all opinions are worthy.

I DO appreciate it is difficult for her. And I DO want to do what I can to help.

I go with her and the kids to see him once a week.
I DO do some of the cooking etc..

(Just wanted to correct he was originally in hospital for a few weeks, and now in rehab. Not back in hospital. He is is reasonably well, with just the arm and leg issue.)

Thorsoak - unfortunately I can't agree with you. (I hope I don't 'really' sound like a sulky child.... I 'feel' more like a concerned father...) It sounds like you have been in a similar position at some point and state that you didn't spend a Saturday with your children for 3 months. BUT....I assume you spent some 'quality' time with your kids the rest of the time?

My concern is that she doesn't spend any quality time with our kids. ANY! If she is in the house with the kids (usually one or both days of the weekend) she does 'other' things or sits in front of the TV. She won't play a game with the kids. She won't read with them. She won't listen to them tell stories of their day.

We all spend 'time' with each other, but not 'quality' time. When she visits her dad, she sits with him for at least an hour, and gives him her full and un-divided attention. She NEVER does that at home.

I think the 'father' is actually a diversion - perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it. It has just added 'another' layer to our family issue. It was almost the same before. Even 'before' she had to visit her father, she would STILL not spend quality time with our kids :-(

She is probably not a person who gets along well with children then. Although she does the housework and the looking after things, it seems she cannot bring herself to being involved with them. There are people like that, I am one of them although I do not have any children of my own. I suppose all you can do is compensate with getting more involved with the children yourself. Her relationship with them might change as they grow up.

tea_lover

Woah, stop with the ''!!

sassyblue

I don't think you sound very supportive sadly, your father in law is seriously ill and you moan about 'quality time'.

How much quality time do you think families should spend together every day? Life is busy and unfortunately you can't spend hours together everyday, it's not as if your children are very small they should be a bit more independent now.

I think you should expect this for a while, perhaps go together to the hospital?

FBaby

I posted before your last post, so see you already go there yourself and the kids.

My concern is that she doesn't spend any quality time with our kids. ANY! If she is in the house with the kids (usually one or both days of the weekend) she does 'other' things or sits in front of the TV. She won't play a game with the kids. She won't read with them. She won't listen to them tell stories of their day.

I recognise this type of behaviour. I suffer from it...it's called exhaustion. She is run down, stressed to see her dad like that, probably worried about the future, feeling guilty as torn apart between spending time with him and family, exhausted with the travel. You say that she works too, how many hours? What job is it? How is she sleeping?

Honestly, stop feeling angry with her (and probably unconsciously passing the anger down to your kids, they WILL feel it no matter how much you try to hide it) and just be supportive by doing as much as you can at home, not just to relieve the physical demands of looking after a household, but relieving the stress of having to sort things out. The more you do and the less you expect from her, the less knackered she will feel, the more supported she will feel, and she will then find more energy to spend quality time with the kids and you.

FBaby

double post for some reason!

HPoirot

SKYDT wrote: »

Wow..... comments coming in thick and fast.... :-)

Seems I am coming off a lot worse than I was expecting to.....

I want to answer everyone's suggestions (and put-downs)....

The over-riding complaint (against me) appears to be that I am spoilt (perhaps I am a little), jealous ( yes, probably a little), lazy (I deny that quite strongly!)

I agree that household chores are not 50/50. But it's not far off! She works 4 days a week, I work 5. 'I' do ALL the grocery shopping - whereby I actually physically (not online) go to the shop once or twice a week, sometimes with kids. She does all the clothes washing and ironing.

MY over-riding concern is that she spends NO quality time with our kids. I appreciate that the kids (and I) are likely to be around a lot longer than her father. But......whilst some people have stated that if her father dies she can't get any time back, the same applies to the kids when they are young! I fully expect that as they hit their teens and beyond, they will want less and less to do with us parents. And these pre-teen days will be lost!

I am NOT (and have NEVER said) she should not visit her father. I have just said she should spread her time evenly. Even visit her father once a week less, and spend those 2 hours devoted to her kids.

Can you imagine going 4 out of the 5 week days and seeing your kids for just 15 minutes? And then it is whilst cooking, or cleaning, or ironing. They try talking to her, and she shoos them away.

Does seem as if she is ill at ease with her role as a mother. OP, did she have any unfulfilled dreams as a younger adult? Does her father's frailty bring back to her the fact that you can't get time back with respect to herself? I might be going out on a limb here but as I said before I hope you find out through a candid chat and offer your support.

SKYDT

At last.....two replies that have understood the situation :-)

FbAby says:
"Of course, that's assuming that your sense of dissatisfaction has only started since she had to care for her dad. If however it has brought to mind the fact that she has been avoiding spending time with you and the children before her dad fell ill, then that's another matter."

YES! The father situation is an added layer. I feel it gives her an excuse not to have to spend time at home.

And HPoirot:
"She is probably not a person who gets along well with children then. Although she does the housework and the looking after things, it seems she cannot bring herself to being involved with them."

That's what it is......

(I wish I had just talked about the family and not brought up the matter of the father-in-law, since that is just hiding the underlying issue.)

Paddy's mum-
I am starting to get a bit offended (and I am not usually offended) by people making out how jealous I am. Am I really so bad at wanting my wife to spend a little time with her own kids????

You have a suggestion of her giving up work.
I shall now point out that she has only recently 'started' work - 4 days a week.
'Before' she did not work at all, and spent most of this spare time clothes shopping and visiting friends.
'I' thought that with the spare time she would be able to do ALL the housework, and then have plenty of spare time to devote to the kids.
She didn't - which is when and why I started taking over some of the chores such as the grocery shopping - I did this BEFORE she started work, in an attempt to release even more spare time for her (she already had 7 days!) to spend with the kids!

Wow....this is getting hard work.

I was hoping for 'some' support and understanding......lol....

I'll come back later to read further replies/comments (and put-downs :-) )

I have to go now and prepare the evening meal.... (Yes I DO cook some days.....) Today was in the slow-cooker (as someone suggested earlier.....we already use one :-) But I have to prepare the rest of the meal :-)

FBaby

Can you imagine going 4 out of the 5 week days and seeing your kids for just 15 minutes? And then it is whilst cooking, or cleaning, or ironing. They try talking to her, and she shoos them away.

Then DO all the cooking cleaning and the rest. You seem to think that it is too much for you to take on and that you already do a lot. Many single parents work full-time and DO have to do it all alone with often children younger and more demanding. In you case, it is only temporary.
How about a 'darling, I can see you are getting yourself totally run down with all you are doing and I am worried about you. I know it must be stressful and worrying to see you dad like that and understand you want to spend as much time with him as possible. How about for the time being, I do all the house chores so that you can come home and just sit down and spend time with the kids who miss you. I'll get on with it, and then maybe once every other week-end, we go out just you and I to have some time for ourselves. My treat'. I bet you would get a very different reaction from her.

margaretclare

I thought the word 'housewife' had disappeared from the vocabulary. According to the historian Michael Wood this term only existed between 1850 and 1950.

No one has ever accused me of being a 'good housewife'! I never knew my dad, wish I had. Nor 2 of my grandparents, and many of my other near relatives and loved ones are long gone. It's part of life. You, and the teenage kids, are just going to have to get used to it.