Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

PasturesNew

You and the kids will be around for the next 50-60 years...... her dad could go at any minute really.

I can't believe how sexist and spoilt you sound. This should be YOUR time to ensure the home runs smoothly in her absence, making her time at home pleasurable and relaxing.... not whining about stuff.

Stephb1986_2

This might sound harsh and I really don't want it to but, considering her dads condition he isn't getting any younger and his health is deteriorating your kids are going to be around for a lot longer than he is. Let her do what she needs to do it's her father at the end of the day

Person_one

How long is it since the stroke? What is he currently in hospital for?

Its very hard to judge either way here, as you're giving a very biased account. Its possible that she is unreasonably neglecting her nuclear family, but its also possible that you're being far too needy and demanding of a woman who has (presumably) already lost her mum and is now facing her father's mortality in the face.

Realising that you may soon be without either parent is tough, no matter how old you are.

Lara44

Op why don't you organise some fun things to do together as a family that you can put in the diary and look forward to together? Like visiting a nature reserve, going to a museum, maybe a weekend away?

I can really understand your wife's desire to be there for her Dad. Time is so precious and sometimes there's not enough to go around and one thing has to be prioritised over another. I agree with the other suggestions that you could visit your FIL, and the kids could accompany once a week.

I also think it sounds like you could do more of the chores. Tbh, in our house the organisational stuff takes a lot less time than the chores. Ordering the groceries online in front of the telly is not really as demanding as scrubbing the house. Are you sure you really do 50% in time served rather than number of responsibilities?

Even if the problem is your wife's, you are likely to get a lot more attention by doing things to help her out than nagging, which I don't think ever works. Can you get a slow cooker, and put meals on in the mornings, so they are ready at hometime? These are inexpensive to buy an to run and there are loads of recipes on the old style boards. Could you do a small chore each night to free up the weekend for you both?

Could you sit down and talk to your wife and simply tell her you love her and want to see her more rather than criticising? Sometimes when you feel stressed out and can't cope you shut out criticism rather than dealing with it. That might be what your wife is doing here.

Also, do the kids do any chores? At those ages I was responsible for a certain list and had to help with clearing over dishes, washing up and cooking prep. It's the perfect time to show them how to be thoughtful by working together as a team.

SKYDT

Hmmmm...interesting replies, and I appreciate the feedback. Of course, I don't agree with all of it, but all opinions are worthy.

I DO appreciate it is difficult for her. And I DO want to do what I can to help.

I go with her and the kids to see him once a week.
I DO do some of the cooking etc..

(Just wanted to correct he was originally in hospital for a few weeks, and now in rehab. Not back in hospital. He is is reasonably well, with just the arm and leg issue.)

Thorsoak - unfortunately I can't agree with you. (I hope I don't 'really' sound like a sulky child.... I 'feel' more like a concerned father...) It sounds like you have been in a similar position at some point and state that you didn't spend a Saturday with your children for 3 months. BUT....I assume you spent some 'quality' time with your kids the rest of the time?

My concern is that she doesn't spend any quality time with our kids. ANY! If she is in the house with the kids (usually one or both days of the weekend) she does 'other' things or sits in front of the TV. She won't play a game with the kids. She won't read with them. She won't listen to them tell stories of their day.

We all spend 'time' with each other, but not 'quality' time. When she visits her dad, she sits with him for at least an hour, and gives him her full and un-divided attention. She NEVER does that at home.

I think the 'father' is actually a diversion - perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it. It has just added 'another' layer to our family issue. It was almost the same before. Even 'before' she had to visit her father, she would STILL not spend quality time with our kids :-(

paddy's_mum

Here's a suggestion that you might like to consider. How about she gives up work so that she can spend more 'quality time' with you all? That way, you won't be inconvenienced although you might have to work much longer hours to make up the shortfall in the family income. Then, of course, she can start bellyaching about not having enough quality time with you.

Your jealousy is shining like a beacon.

Be very careful, OP, because one day it might be you in this heartbreaking situation - when it's you that is ill and scared and lonely, will you still be urging her to stay home more often?

trollopscarletwoman

PasturesNew wrote: »

You and the kids will be around for the next 50-60 years...... her dad could go at any minute really.

Yes, I wish I could spend more time with my mother and father.

Sadly, I can't!

HPoirot

It does seem that she is avoiding spending family time if her free time is eaten up by visits to her dad, housework, clothes shopping and visiting her friends.

Maybe you could sit down and have a chat with her, and approach the subject not with her visits to her dad but rather with the lack of family time.

Does she feel guilty that her dad lives on his own and is compensating by 'abandoning' her children for him? Does it go deeper than that, does she feel that she misses out on her life if she does stay home or do things as a family? Is there some sort of unease within herself? Lots of things can go in our minds when we see our parents nearing the end and I guess all you can do is offer support and try to make her feel under less pressure if she feels there is any.

FBaby

You don't seem to have accepted that now is a time of crisis, when you have to devote time to one person when you normally wouldn't. Your wife is being a responsible caring daughter. Good on her. If you and your children can't accept this, then something is wrong with you, and things are not communicated to the children properly.

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. You should be supporting your wife during these times by taking on more of her usual duties. The children should accept that they won't get as much time from their mum for some weeks, but that's because she is being a devoted daughter. I'm sure if she was put under less pressure from you and children, she would feel more incline to spend quality time with you all. However, if all she gets is how she is neglecting you, it's no surprise she is avoiding your presence as she is probably already exhausted and feeling under much pressure.

Of course, that's assuming that your sense of dissatisfaction has only started since she had to care for her dad. If however it has brought to mind the fact that she has been avoiding spending time with you and the children before her dad fell ill, then that's another matter.

As all suggested, how about planning together better, arranging for you and the children to join her once a week, you spending more quality time with the children. Look at what task/duty can be neglected for a bit for the time being, until things can settle down.

pelirocco

thorsoak wrote: »

No, it doesn't make her sound worse ...it makes you sound like a sulky child who isn't getting the attention that he wants!

This is her father who has suffered what could well be a life-changing event. He won't live forever, and she wants to spend time with him now - he is in hospital at the moment, after having been in hospital and then rehab, and now hospital again. Wouldn't you want her to visit you more if it were you in the place of her father?

Although I would suggest that she takes the children with her to visit their grandfather on occasion.

This sort of thing happens in all families at one time or another - when my mother was terminally ill in another city 80 miles away, I went to see her every weekend for nearly three months straight from work on Friday, and my OH would drive the children down on the Sunday and take me home - but for three months I didn't spend a Saturday with the children - and OH had to chase around between rugby/ballet/riding - AND making sure that school uniforms went in the wash on Saturday so that I could iron them on Sunday evening. But that's what families do.

Have you even thought about the strain it is putting on your wife? Maybe that's why she spends time with her friends shopping - so that she can offload to people who can empathise with what she and her father are going through.

I had the same thing with my dad when he became terminally ill last year , although my children are adults , but i did have a business to run.

Sharing the care with 2 siblings because Dad lived 3.5 hours away we basically put our lives on hold to devote every minute we could to him, which meant spend 3 -4 days away from home , and spending the whole of the last 2 weeks with him.

At the time you literally cannot think of anything else , although your FIL appears to be recovering your wife will have had the shock of her life , especially as she has not long lost her mother ? Its probably brought it to close that she will lose him eventually and wants to spend every moment she can with him.