Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

When_the_going_gets_tough

Op it is always difficult for posters on the internet to really understand someone's situation. However I am of the view that hands on parenting, is particularly important in the teenage years when a late night chat, a cuddle on the sofa in front of a film, spending time to grapple with a particularly knotty bit of homework, or a sympathetic ear when friends all fall out - all this really matters to growing teenagers and smooths the path through the turbulent years for them. I cannot suggest how you and your wife might share this better but make no mistake your children do need this sort of attention - and often at the most inconvenient times! Good luck to all of you.

Dimey

To be practical.
OP could draw up a rota to illustrate what he's after and show everyone together so both OP and Mum can hear what the children think and want. Then the whole family make compromise agreements from there. Something like this: -

Monday - Mum visits her Father

Tuesday - Mum and Dad spend evening with Children -take turns to choose what to do.
- Mum's Sister visits Father.

Wednesday - Mum visits Father

Thursday - Mum spends time with children, alternating one on one.
- Mum's brother visits Father

Friday - Mum visits Father

Saturday - Family at home, attendance optional.

Sunday - Mum & Dad visit Father pm and go on date night alone in evening.

Person_one

SKYDT wrote: »

Father HAS suffered a stroke.
WAS frightening at the beginning. ('I' was the one that diagnosed a possible stroke and took him to the hospital. 'My' father also had a stroke some time ago.)

However, this was almost 2 months ago now!

2 months, that's it. Seriously, 2 months?

poet123

I have to say that if my husband had suggested such a rota when one of my parents was very ill I would have been livid. By all means discuss it but imo presenting her with a rota is not the way to go.

Tiglath

poet123 wrote: »

I have to say that if my husband had suggested such a rota when one of my parents was very ill I would have been livid. By all means discuss it but imo presenting her with a rota is not the way to go.

Exactly - sounds like the poor woman has everyone on her back making demands. If my husband had done that to me when my Mum was so ill all through 2012 till this summer, I'd've packed a bag and left. Fortunately he was fantastically supportive. The 'old normal' never came back and probably never will so we made a 'new normal.'

podperson

I think it is going to be a lot in the way you approach it at the moment. She's bound to be worried, upset, possibly even a little guilty about her father and pushing her too much about the time she is spending with him is only going to make her defensive and unwilling to talk.
Obviously a talk is needed though. Tell her you understand that her father needs more of her time at the moment, but that the children need her too and can you look at putting say one afternoon/evening aside for 'family time'. This could involve a trip out, activities at home etc. If she argues that she doesn't have the time / is too tired etc at the moment then ask what you can do to help out more so that she does have the time. Maybe this would mean taking on a few more chores, getting a cleaner in for a few hours, arranging with one of her siblings to visit an extra day etc.
If she feels that you are trying to help/support her rather than criticise then she may be more open to suggestions. I would also think about the expectations you have though, it sounds like she has a very different parenting style to you - so even if she does spend more time with them then it may not be to the same involvement that you would.

Kynthia

It's only been weeks and it's a time of crisis. He's now back in hospital so things aren't settled. Many families have had to put everything on hold when a parent is sick and I'd only expect things to ease off at a much later date, say after 4-5 months depending on the situation.

If the issue is about your concerns that your wife doesn't spend quality time with the children, and this predates your FIL's stroke, then dealing with it will have to wait. Now will not be the time to deal with it. Later on you can suggest family days out and cinemas trips together.

angelsmomma

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

Op it is always difficult for posters on the internet to really understand someone's situation. However I am of the view that hands on parenting, is particularly important in the teenage years when a late night chat, a cuddle on the sofa in front of a film, spending time to grapple with a particularly knotty bit of homework, or a sympathetic ear when friends all fall out - all this really matters to growing teenagers and smooths the path through the turbulent years for them. I cannot suggest how you and your wife might share this better but make no mistake your children do need this sort of attention - and often at the most inconvenient times! Good luck to all of you.

The father is there to give the children this sort of attention.

The mother is looking to the needs of her disabled father, the last thing she needs is guilt tripping by the people she relies on for support.

Dimey

poet123 wrote: »

I have to say that if my husband had suggested such a rota when one of my parents was very ill I would have been livid. By all means discuss it but imo presenting her with a rota is not the way to go.

Fair enough.

But it has been 2 months and the Father is in rehabilitation, not hospital.

I wonder whether there's another way OP can illustrate his point that he and children want more of Mum's undivided attention, given that discussion hasn't worked.

Person_one

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But he isn't seriously ill and possibly dying. He had a stroke and is now receiving rehab treatment and is well, happy and expected to live a full and long life.

Two months is nothing in stroke rehab terms, the OP admits he can't even walk unaided!

He's also at a high risk of another stroke in the months after his first.