Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

FBaby

I must say the 'quality time' thing makes me grind my teeth.

I have to say this thread had me thinking because the same could be accused of me in regards to my children. They are my world and I would do everything for them, but I don't consider that I should be given them all my attention. As a matter of fact, I think too many children do expect too much attention from their parents.

We have very busy weeks and I would say that I spend less than 1/2 hour of proper one to one attention to them a day. It is often in the car when I take them to school/activities. The thing is, they don't get attention from me only. They get it from their step-dad, their friends, their dad and step-mum during the week-ends, and more importantly from each other (they are very close). How much more attention do they need? In their case, not more. Sometimes they need more than other times, when they go through a down time or a crisis, and when that happens, I do dedicate myself more to them. I always keep an eye on them though so I can pick up any sign that something might not be right.

I don't think that makes me a bad mum because I do focus on other key aspects. I am keen on making sure they do well at school, that they are pleasant and have good manners, that they develop empathy, that they learn about healthy lifestyle and most importantly, that they feel good about who they are. I always make sure I tell them that I am proud of them etc...

We don't really know how OP's mum is with her kids. Maybe she does have a problem with bonding with her children and they do feel it resulting in them feeling unlove by her, OR, she doesn't believe that what children need is tons of attention, but gives them in many other ways.

If this is ultimately the issue with OP, then as it's been said, it is something they need to discuss to understand each other's point of view rather than expecting one person to be the way the other is. It is for the children to express how they feel to their mum, and it is common sense that NOW is not the time to bring it all up in a challenging way that will only make her feel guilty and push her over the top.

Kynthia

SKYDT wrote: »

I

On to Kynthia's comments:



This is my difficulty. I suspect that the FIL's situation will ALWAYS be an issue. Whether she's visiting him now in the rehab centre, or if he goes to some other supported accom. I have to be SO careful - I want to discuss things more openly, but it will ALWAYS seem that I am being harsh with regards to the FIL. Yet I can see this going on for years and years with no change. Until it's too late - the kids become teenagers and won't talk to 'us' when we want to talk to

OP, looking through your responses it's worrying me that there's something you're not getting. Whether you are right or wrong, whether the children are missing something important or not, whether you differ on what is quality time or not, whether it predates this situation or will continue for years or not, 8 weeks after her father's stroke and especially when he's not settłed somewhere long term like his home or a residential care home, is really really really really NOT the time to bring it up! Come back in at least 3 months having said how much you've done to ease her burdon and support her during this time and now her father is home, THEN people may discuss the situation with you.

thorsoak

I wonder whether the OP has a rather unrealistic impression of how mothers actually interact with 10, 11 and 13 year olds? From personal experience of 13 year olds (4 of my own, 5 granchildren who have reached 13 years of age) they don't want mum - or dad - to sit and play with them/read to them - they might want to sit and watch tv beside them, they will moan about what is going on at school - but it is at the instigation of the teenager - and not always at the most convenient time! The days of saying "time to come to mummy/daddy and play" have been rejected by most 13 year olds - girls might like a "girly night" - although not all do - one of my grand-daughters says that she would rather pull her eyes out than do all that "faffing around" although her sister (now 15) loved it!

11 and 10 year olds will come up asking for help with what they are doing - usually at the least convenient time from my experience - so maybe dad has a vision of family that is completely unrealistic.

If mum is busy cooking meals, cleaning the home, doing laundry and ironing, she is not neglecting her family. Maybe she should talk to them a bit more, and tell them how she feels about her dad.

troubleinparadise

Kynthia wrote: »

OP, looking through your responses it's worrying me that there's something you're not getting. Whether you are right or wrong, whether the children are missing something important or not, whether you differ on what is quality time or not, whether it predates this situation or will continue for years or not, 8 weeks after her father's stroke and especially when he's not settłed somewhere long term like his home or a residential care home, is really really really really NOT the time to bring it up! Come back in at least 3 months having said how much you've done to ease her burdon and support her during this time and now her father is home, THEN people may discuss the situation with you.

Totally agree with this - now is not the time to be addressing any other issues, valid or otherwise.

If you have been fortunate enough to have never been involved with a life changing event such as a stroke, or the stress of picking up the pieces and working forwards under changed circumstances, you can have no idea just how emotional, stressful and time consuming it is.

margaretclare

Person_one wrote: »

Two months is nothing in stroke rehab terms, the OP admits he can't even walk unaided!

He's also at a high risk of another stroke in the months after his first.

Bingo! Someone showing some realistic understanding, at last.

The thing about strokes is, they're unpredictable. They can come completely out of the blue, as this one appears to have done. But there is always some underlying pathology, some pre-existing damage to the circulatory system, and they always leave their mark - some brain damage and therefore some damage to the physical systems and abilities. There can be TIAs - transient ischaemic episodes which can occur at any time, even during sleep, and although they may be undetected, a little bit more brain damage occurs each time.

I'm not surprised your wife wants to be with her Dad while she still has him with her. And while he's still the 'Dad' that she can recognise, and hasn't slipped into some shadow-world of ischaemic dementia.

puppypants

OP,just sending you a big ((((HUG))). I think you need one after the battering you have had on this thread!! x

SKYDT

Do you know what?
I hate to say this, but I am getting really fed up by some of the petty 'point-scoring', 'put-him-down' comments.

I am just a normal bloke, no better, nor worse than the next. Certainly no saint, and almost certainly with numerous faults.
I am the first to question my own thoughts and actions, and to

But some of the people on here only seem to post to put someone (in this case 'me') down. It really disappoints me about human nature.

I have absolutely no doubt that I will get flamed for this post - almost certainly by those who have already said nasty stuff about me, but probably some other people will 'pop up' to make a few comments about how useless I am - or jealous, or petulant, or lazy...I've received them all.

I TRULY appreciate the comments I have received from the 'other people'. Some people have been totally supportive, some have questioned my thoughts and approach, and some have suggested changes. These have all been valid responses whether I have agreed with them or not. And I really enjoyed receiving them and reading them.

Brighton Belle summed up exactly my view:

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I think the OP was interested in other views, just not some of the aggressive unpleasantness. The opposing viewpoints are entirely fair to be expressed but I was shocked at some of the tone of the replies.

And thanks to puppypants too:

puppypants wrote: »

OP,just sending you a big ((((HUG))). I think you need one after the battering you have had on this thread!! x

I am NOT looking for 'nice' comments per se, but I truly appreciate people's support for my difficult situation.

I wanted to start a new thread, to discuss the 'underlying issue' but I have been advised against it.
So....I will continue to discuss my situation here, with those who wish to discuss them in a 'pleasant way' (and before anyone flames me 'again' I do NOT mean they have to agree with me!)

I think I will just ignore any message that seeks to put me (or someone else down). Feel free to say you think my action is wrong and suggest I might change it. But don't bother saying I am a 'spoilt brat' or 'useless husband' or whatever. I think such comments say more about you, than it does about me.

SKYDT

Before I continue, I want to say a VERY BIG THANKS to 'at least' the following (there are probably more)

Kiki
Brighton Belle
Dimey
FBaby
Shineyhappy
nimbo
puppypants

I have enjoyed reading your posts and comments. They have not all agreed with my actions, and often suggest that I am plain wrong.

But none of them have claimed I am 'useless', or 'worthless', or lazy, or 'child-like', as so many other posts have done so.

I will continue to post a bit more about my situation and thoughts. Perhaps give a little more about our background. This might help you to understand my position better and continue to offer thoughts and advice.

Rest assured, your replies will continue receive my full attention, whether you agree or not with me.
I am confident that you also understand my concerns with the 'put-down' posters and will support my view of just ignoring them.

I would be more than happy to be in a room with you guys and discuss/argue any topic in the knowledge that you would be empathetic (even if you didn't agree) with the other person's view.

SKYDT

OK...here goes....

Some background first....
'Before' FIL's stroke.

Wife has not worked for 10 years. She did almost all of the household chores. I did all the organisational stuff (finances, bills, insurances, holidays etc.)

We had some difficulties as a family, because she was getting very angry with the kids. Her only interaction with them was to shout at them. I would spend most nights trying to placate them as they went to bed crying - sometimes scared and often questioning me why their mummy didn't like them and/or always shouted at them.

After counseling we discovered that she was suffering from depression. She was given tablets and calmed down.
However, ever since the kids were babies/toddlers she has been unable to devote any 'quality' time with the kids.

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Now 'quality time' has received some discussion.
'My' view is that this means devoting some time to someone and giving them 'full and un-divided' attention.

'I' do not class quality time (yet I DO do it sometimes) as any of the following:
* sitting quietly in front of TV together
* going in to garden with kids, and whilst they play, I sit and read
* taking kids to the park, letting them go off and play, whilst I sit and read a newspaper
* Taking kids to a family friend's house, then I spend the whole time chatting just to the adults

Now EACH of these activities DO have merit. They ARE spending time with the kids. But I don't think it is 'quality' time. I could replace 'me' in any of these scenarios with pretty much any 'Joe Blog' looking after the kids.
I appreciate that a lot of our time we DO have to spend this time with them - either we have other things to do (reading some work document), and/or we have to give them the opportunity and capability to go off on their own.

However.....I strongly believe there has to be a 'balance'. We ALSO have to spend some 'quality' time with them. INTERACT with them. TALK to them. LISTEN to their replies. Let them see and FEEL that they have our full attention.

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OK, so my concern has centered around my wife's inability to interact with our kids.
The kids themselves FEEL this. They often ask me why their mum won't play with them (when they were younger they talked more about 'playing', and as they get older they talk more about 'interacting').
I try to answer as well as I can, and I try to discuss it with my wife. Unfortunately her view varies from she 'does' spend quality time with them, or she doesn't like doing what the kids like doing.

Our kids have developed anger issues. They get angry and shout a lot.

I am a very calm person. I rarely shout, yet I am firm. If they are naughty, I give them the 1,2,3 count and upon 3 they get punished. There is no relief when I get to 3. It is an immediate time-out, loss of game/TV, whatever. I now rarely get beyond 2 as they know the boundaries.

Unfortunately my wife is more lenient. She counts 1, 2, 2 and a half, 2 and three quarters, 3 'you will lose your game if you carry on', 'this is your very last chance' etc... Kids have learnt this and give her a hard time.

---

After counseling things got a bit better.
She no longer suffered from depression.
She was a lot less angry.

Since she had no interests/hobbies, it was suggested (initially by me, and supported by the counsellor) that she got a job. To give her something to do outside her mundane life around the house. The choice was hers and she found a part-time job.

I had some concerns. If she did not have the time (!) to spend time with the kids before, how would she do so now that she was working.
I was hoping she would use the spare day to do any housework, to leave the weekends free to spend with the family and/or to do personal stuff.
Unfortunately it seems she fills the spare day almost totally with personal stuff, and then spends the weekend doing housework :-(

She was off work last Wednesday (I was working from home that day). Her day consisted of - 2 hours window shopping, 2.5 hours having her hair done at a friend's house, 2 hours having coffee with a couple of friends.

The previous week she was off on Tuesday. 2 hours of shopping. 2 hours of ironing. 2.5 hours going to the cinema with friends. Pick up kids from school, then when I finished work an hour later, she went to visit her father for 2.5 hours, returning after kids were in bed.

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Damn. I feel awful. It makes her sound awful.
She isn't.
I love her. I fancy her.
Her kids love her.
We just all 'miss' her.

I DO arrange family trips.

We recently went to the zoo. We walked around for 2 hours. I was running around with the kids looking at the animals - pulling faces at the monkeys, feeding the birds, reacting to the kids when they kept shouting 'come and look at this'. Wife just ambled along. On the way home wife insisted we stop at a shopping centre (not the favourite activity for a bloke and young kids). We spent 2 hours looking in various clothes shops. When kids moaned they were told that wife had spent 2 hours doing what the kids wanted to do, now it was time for them to do what she wanted to do.
There is some logic to that, but it just feels so uneven and one-sided.

---

I've tried not to mention the recent issue of my FIL's stroke.
This adds a whole new layer to the situation.
Things are a LOT more difficult.

I am finding it difficult to deal with the situation.

He is NOT dying. He is bright and alert. Sat up in front of TV chatting. When we all go to visit him, kids wouldn't see any difference in him now, than 4 months ago when we visited him at home. However, he cannot move his arm or leg much :-(

As many people have stated, this is NOT the ideal time to discuss the family situation. Which is difficult. And I don't know when the right time will be.

I suspect we will be in the exact same situation for a long time. Maybe years. Maybe 10's of years.

ciderwithrosie_2

Thing is, whilst you have this ideal of the perfectly balanced family it doesn't always happen in reality and you have to find a way to work round it.

My OH and I both wanted children, and we had 3 in fairly close succession. OH was a very hands-on dad and I couldn't fault him. However, as the boys got older he withdrew emotionally from their lives. He didn't have a great relationship with his own parents past pre-school age and although I have said many times 'did he really want to repeat the same with his own children?' that is what has happened. So although he still did stuff FOR them, like cook, clean, iron, mend bikes etc, he didn't do stuff WITH them, like go to parents evenings, school plays, sports, cuddles and story reading, homework help and talking about their day, I've done all those bits and he's done the other stuff he feels more comfortable with.

He works nights, very physical job and has done for most of our marriage, so at nearly 50 is exhausted most of the time. I work full-time too but my job is office based.

At the end of the day, that is how he is, we have all accepted that and worked round it as a family. The boys are emotionally closer to me but still have a good relationship with their dad.