Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Hi Paddy's Mum :-)

I just want to make clear, I am NOT raising this issue in any significant way with my wife, let alone 'keeping on pushing' or 'keeping on at her doing things my way'.

I am sure she IS aware though, because our kids mention it, and we 'have' discussed it before.

I am NOT 'keeping on' - at her anyway.

I AM keeping on on here, looking for a better path for us all....

Various people have given examples in their own life where perhaps they only manage to spend 20 minutes (of quality time) with their own kids. Or they find it easier to interacts with their son than with their daughter. Or how you say, you have zero interest in 'other' babies.

However, would anyone admit to ignoring their own children?
THIS is what is hard for me to come to terms with :-(

busiscoming2

I've just found this thread and read a lot of it.

It strikes me your wife just isn't very maternal and probably a little more selfish than the average person (example: having to look round clothes shops after the zoo - tit for tat). She seems to generally have a lot of 'me' time, which most mothers don't do/get when they have they have youngish children.

I fully understand how her father being ill must have knocked her for six, but it looks to me now, an excuse to not to have to be at home.

I am wondering why you had three children when she appears so un maternal?

On the other hand she sounds just how so many fathers are. Caring for their children by doing the practical things but ignoring the truly nurturing side of the relationship. How many dads didn't or don't play with their children, nor spend time chatting and really knowing about their kids and their lives?

I can't see her changing. It's a shame the children pick up on it so much. Could this be because you mention it a lot?

You most probably have to accept that this is the way it is always going to be.

poet123

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Does it occur to you that she can't be anyone other than who she is? Does it occur to you that she feels undermined? Does it occur to you that what you're doing is nagging?



Keep on and you will achieve one thing, for sure. You'll have a divorce on your hands.

I'm not unsympathetic and I can see 'where you're coming from' but I can tell you this - if my husband kept on insisting that I be more like him, more like his perception of how things should be, more demanding that I obey, I would go out of my way to defy him. Might that be your wife's only escape from your demands?

What's for sure is that you cannot both keep bashing your heads on this brick wall forever. :wall:

Truly, I wish you both good luck in sorting out this tangle.

I think this is an excellent post, and it is certainly how I would view it.

You seem to want family life to be lived up to your expectations and what your wife wants or sees it as seem less important. I also would question kids using the word "interact" unless they had heard it bandied about by an adult.

I am sorry OP but you do come across as rigid and controlling and with an ideal and expectations of family life that perhaps your wife feels she cannot meet and does not want to meet. It almost sounds as if you want her to "perform" and then you can assess if she is meeting your standards of parental interaction.

That is not good for a marriage as you are essentially setting your views higher up the pecking order than hers.....

duchy

How do YOU play with the children ? (although I am a bit bemused that you have a 13 year old who wants to play with either of you...most find the existance of parents far too embarassing to want to )
Some parents don't do "play" well -one parent is better at it than the other ...or Dad has the time to play whilst Mum is doing the housework after they've both worked all day. At the ages your kids are now I doubt they want Mum s a "playmate" and the comment about "Why doesn't Mum play with us" might be a child's way of saying " Why doesn't Mum spend all her time she is at home doing fun stuff with us (and ignore the housework. homework boring stuff) like you do AFTER you get in from work (and can only do so because Mum has done the housework/made sure homework is out the way before you get home). Could you be taking that question a bit too literally? Many Mums feel they are the one who get to do all the mundane stuff that keeps the family going and then Dad arrives home from work and is regarded as the FUN parent who gets to instigate all the exciting stuff.

Depression often doesn't go away completely and can make the sufferer feel very detached. They do the stuff they need to do but don't feel involved or engaged -obviously stressful situations can affect levels of depression too .

I do wonder if your relationship with your parents and your wife's with hers were/are very different. I certainly visited my Dad daily even if only for half an hour after his stroke -despite having a young baby -and a husband and home to look after and travelling time was up to an hour. I honestly wouldn't see anything wrong with Dad taking on more of an active role with the kids and the housework to free up Mum to visit her Dad for several months- not just a few weeks.
As you both work - would you consider getting in a cleaner so neither of you have to worry about housework and free up some of that quality time you are craving. It sounds like at the moment she's still doing all the cleaning (with respect -shopping is the smallest part of "housework" -and can be done on-line-spending that time spent at the supermarket with the hoover or putting washing away might be more useful).

Working, visiting and housework ....... she's not superwoman -no wonder she has no time or emotional energy left. Try and step into her head and think how you'd cope doing all that (accept she has a NEED rather than a want to be with her Dad at present even if you don't "get it" to try and see where her head is) and think where you could take some of the load. If home is a less stressful place to come home to -she'll wean herself from her visits sooner than if she's coming home exhausted to a pile of washing, hoovering and a disapproving or disappointed husband who makes her feel bad about herself.

dandelionclock30

I feel for you really as its a difficult one. What struck me is maybe marriage/family life in a traditional sence playing happy families isnt really for your wife. Maybe she prefers doing her own things and obviously she is going to be devestated about her Dad so thats totally understandable. Shes going to be worried sick about him and thats going to be at the forefront of her mind right now.She will be finding it hard to do anything at the moment let alone spending time with her kids.
When I was a child my Dad never did anything with me or the family, he prefered to do his own thing. He wouldnt have gone to a zoo or played on an evening etc no way. When I was young most children played with their friends etc, they didnt have parents doing things with them.Maybe its just her that she doesnt want to do things with the kids or maybe she feels unable because of whats going on. Only she will know.
Also when your depressed and you take anti depressants its not really a cure and often doesnt take away the reason/s your depressed. It just makes life more bearable but you have got to sort out the underlying issues that have triggered the depression.
Has your wife explained why she was depressed in the first place? To me it sounds like shes not happy with the marriage/ family situation.
I think you need to have an honest discussion with her, maybe not now but soon regarding everything. I think she might be overwhelmed with all thats going on. But you need to talk to her as its about the whole family really and only your wife can tell you how shes feeling.

SKYDT

Fbaby - wasn't ignoring you.....lol....

What triggered the depression last time?

I 'think' it was down to the situation where she felt 'trapped' in the house.
She wasn't working, so spent (in theory) all her time alone in the house.
She felt 'taken for granted' as she did all the housework.
She has no interests/hobbies, so was probably bored, with nothing to do except housework and looking after me and the kids.


I am NOT saying this is all FACT. Just how 'she' felt, so I empathise with her feelings.

(In 'my' view, she could have spent an hour - or two or whatever - a day doing housework, and then spend the rest relaxing or going out. I encouraged her to find interests or hobbies - baking, sport, 'anything'. She went to Zumba and horse-riding for short periods, but gave up both.
She would spend many hours shopping, going out with friends who also didn't work, visiting the cinema, having coffee etc. etc.
I found it difficult to understand how she was bored, or couldn't find time to spend with the kids, but that is how she felt and acted.
I had no issues with her not working, though probably 'did' expect the housework to be done. It wasn't always which DID annoy me, but I was careful not to raise it as an issue - though I did mention it during our counseling sessions.)

Does that sufficiently explain the background to her depression?

After counseling and tablets, things calmed down.
She still had some difficulty balancing her life, but understood that she wasn't 'being taken advantage of'.

paddy's_mum

SKYDT wrote: »

I am .... on here, looking for a better path for us all....

I appreciate that but I raise the same question again ... how are you going to force your wife to do/see/behave the way you want?

There is no way to achieve that which is within the law in Britain today.

If she can't or won't or doesn't want to change, it seems to me that you have only two options. You either accept that this is how things are or you seek a divorce.

The choice is yours but all the forums and chat in the world isn't going to change the facts of the matter.

I wish you, and your family, well.

duchy

What did your wife do prechildren ?
Did she have a career? A full time job ?

Even if to you her job wasn't high earning or prestigious -it was hers and a part of who she was. Many women love their kids dearly but find that when they have kids they feel they have lost a part of their identity and become merely "John's wife" and "Mary's Mum" and it is difficult and can indeed trigger depression. It's not that they don't like being Mum or Wife but that they are not seen as an individual but merely an attachment to someone "more important".

I hope this is making sense ?

Often a woman returning to work is in part a reclaiming of her life ( doesn't always work as she's still Mum, wife.....but it often helps)

Do you see her role as ideally at home ? (I noticed baking listed as a potential hobby -to me a hobby is something that takes you away from the kitchen not spend more time in it !! )

SKYDT wrote: »

Fbaby - wasn't ignoring you.....lol....

What triggered the depression last time?

I 'think' it was down to the situation where she felt 'trapped' in the house.
She wasn't working, so spent (in theory) all her time alone in the house.
She felt 'taken for granted' as she did all the housework.
She has no interests/hobbies, so was probably bored, with nothing to do except housework and looking after me and the kids.


I am NOT saying this is all FACT. Just how 'she' felt, so I empathise with her feelings.

(In 'my' view, she could have spent an hour - or two or whatever - a day doing housework, and then spend the rest relaxing or going out. I encouraged her to find interests or hobbies - baking, sport, 'anything'. She went to Zumba and horse-riding for short periods, but gave up both.
She would spend many hours shopping, going out with friends who also didn't work, visiting the cinema, having coffee etc. etc.
I found it difficult to understand how she was bored, or couldn't find time to spend with the kids, but that is how she felt and acted.
I had no issues with her not working, though probably 'did' expect the housework to be done. It wasn't always which DID annoy me, but I was careful not to raise it as an issue - though I did mention it during our counseling sessions.)

Does that sufficiently explain the background to her depression?

After counseling and tablets, things calmed down.
She still had some difficulty balancing her life, but understood that she wasn't 'being taken advantage of'.

SKYDT

Hi busicoming 2 :-)

I can't say that she is 'un-maternal'. However, she has openly admitted that she found it easier to 'interact' (sorry, that is 'my' work and I feel it is the best one to describe 'being with the kids') with them when they were babies rather than older. I think it was file until they could walk or perhaps a little later.

You're right, that I think she does all the 'practical' stuff and ignoring the 'nurturing' stuff. My concern (and I have no proof for this) is that 'she' will suffer later life when the kids only remember the lack of the nurturing side. They won't remember the boring practical stuff. Who does? I guess most of us, as kids, just take it for granted.

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poet123 - I assume you missed my post where I explained my use of 'interact'. The kids do NOT use that word. They use other words which 'I' have interpreted as 'interact'.

I am concerned that you think I am rigid and controlling. I don't mean to me, and hope it is just an impression I have given rather than how I am. I AM performing a self-examination as I continue to discuss.....

---

ducy - unfortunately I have to dis-agree with your sentiments.

I don't get to play with the kids 'after' my wife has done the housework. A typical day involves her coming home from work at 6.15, leaving at 6.45 and returning at 8.45. She might do some housework, or watch TV, and go to bed between 9.30 and 10.
I am typically home at 6, feed the kids, wash up, help with homework/piano, play if we have time, and put them to bed.
I might do housework or other things, or watch TV. I often go to bed very late.

I AM considering getting a cleaner. Again. I offered this when she wasn't working at all, to free up time (she said she had little spare time) to spend with the family. 'Now' seems a more appropriate time to get a cleaner. However, my concern is that whilst this will free up some more time for her, it will be filled with non-family activites (meeting up with friends, spending longer with her dad etc.) I don't think it fixes anything. She will be just as busy. But the imbalance will continue.
(I think I WILL get a cleaner though, I had forgotten about that. At least it will ensure that this will get done, and no one will need to worry about it.)

Oh, and 'how do 'I' play with the children'? I don't have a set way. Depends how much time we have and what they want to do. Even sat next to them as they do their home work is often a suitable interaction. Sat next to them as they play the piano, listening to all their wrong notes (pity my poor ears!). Throwing a ball. Reading a book to them.
Anything that makes them feel they have my full attention.

Clutterfree

I get the impression you see depression as a weakness, something to be ashamed of. You said you're not the sort of person who gets depressed, implying that we choose to be depressed. I wish I wasn't that sort of person either, but I am, as is your wife.

Going out to lunch, cinema etc won't stop her being depressed, it's still there, you just learn to hide it for a while.

You listed your priorities as your wife being at number two. Perhaps just for a while, whilst she has so much to deal with, you need to make her FEEL she is your number one priority. Perhaps ask her what you can all do to make her life easier at this difficult time.

I can't speak for your wife so can only post about my own feelings but some days I think that if I disappeared tomorrow it would only be noticed when there's no meal on the table and no clean shirts in the wardrobe. I'm not saying that is the case and I am probably doing my family a huge disservice, but that is how depression makes me FEEL.
I have a sign in my kitchen that says "Nobody notices what I do until I don't do it."
Try not to focus on what she doesn't do but appreciate what she does do.
Right now she has effectively got another child (her father) to look after. The role reversal is very hard to deal with not only physically but even more so emotionally.

She needs to know she is loved and appreciated.



PS don't worry about using the word interact, I understand now you've explained your ten year old wasn't saying it!