Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

poet123 - I think our up-bringing were very similar. Strict parents.

Maybe I have used the word 'I' too much, I don't know.

I am pretty sure we don't talk enough (I suspect that is a fault of a vast number of other couples).

We have been married (happily most of the time) for well over 20 years, and went out with each other for almost 10 years before we got married.

Like all families we have had ups and downs and pulled through together. 'I' am certainly not 'in charge'.......and shudder even at the thought. We typically make joint decisions, but I would find it hard to do something (eg. get a cleaner) if she says she doesn't want one.

Clutterfree

SKYDT wrote: »

Clutterfree - I have to admit....I am stumped. I just don't know how to reply to your comments...lol....

Do I see depression as a weakness...? Hmmm....I don't know. I don't WANT to say yes, as it makes me sound.....I don't know...harsh?

My earlier comments were just that I felt lucky that I don't think anything would make me.....'spiral inwards'....does that make sense?
An explanation would be to say I am 'un-emotional' and indeed our counselor suggested this in our discussions. Upon discussion, I think I am able to 'act' un-emotionally, to detach myself from situations, though I am most definitely an emotional person!

You have a good point about her 'disappearing'. Would we notice?
How bad am I to say....no ?
I hate to say it. I don't want to say it.
But at the moment, that might be the answer :-(

A while ago she went away for a long weekend with friends.
Did we manage? Yes?
Did the kids wash their teeth 'every' day? No.
Were they immaculately dressed every day? No.
Did we all have a lot of fun? Yes.
Did they miss their mum? Dammit, I have to say it again. No.

And that is the crux of the situation I guess. The practical things can either lapse a little, or you can pay someone to do the cleaning, the ironing etc. The kids take such things for granted (although I teach them not to do so.)
But the nurturing side of things are most definitely needed.

These questions were actually discussed with the counselor. They asked if the kids would miss 'me' if I were away. There was a different answer. If I was away they would have no parent to play, or interact with. They WOULD miss that......

Thank you for being so honest in your answers.
It can't be easy to admit that.
The thing is, if you feel like that, don't you think she knows it and picks up on it?
If she doesn't feel loved or appreciated in her own home (and I'm not saying she is faultless and hasn't been the cause of some of it) then why would she want to spend time there?
She will want to stay away and spend time with someone who does love and appreciate her, someone who needs her and loves her unconditionally. And who is that person? Her dear old dad. She will always be his little girl, he won't judge her.

Can you see it clearer now? Who wouldn't want to spend time with someone who makes them feel better about themselves?

It is so sad SKYDT, because I don't think the problem is your FIL, he is just a symptom of the bigger problem. IMHO an unhappy marriage seems to be the problem and the children may be the casualties in all this. I think you already knew this and want what's best for them, hence your thread. You sound like a good dad but, forgive me not such a good husband. You need to both work on your marriage before it becomes unsalvageable.
If I am totally off the mark then I apologise - I can only go by what I read and interpret on a forum.

Please sort this before it is too late but it needs a gentle approach as I feel your wife is very vulnerable right now.

It is an awful situation and I wish you lots of strength to get through it. Think you're in need of a hug too.

Please take care of yourself and your family xx

74jax

I have been in the op's partner's situation and it is horrid.

My mum had a double stroke and my Dad has had different types of cancer one after the other ending with him now having liver/lung/bowel and leukeimia.

Mum was in a hospital 1.5hours away and Dad an hour away (in bad traffic).

I visited Dad every single night for every day he was in hospital. When he was in intensive care he didn't know if I was there or not, but I was by his side every night and looking back wouldn't change a thing.

My partner and daughter didn't visit with me much, DD came maybe once a week but I didn't force the issue.

The stress I felt was immense. Every second at work was spent wondering how he was, how lonely he was, how scared he must be, how isolated he was etc etc.

However not once did my partner say I spent too much time there.

My mum was in rehab for 5 months and dad visited her every day too.

I think it's just what some families do.

poet123

SKYDT wrote: »

poet123 - I think our up-bringing were very similar. Strict parents.

Maybe I have used the word 'I' too much, I don't know.

I am pretty sure we don't talk enough (I suspect that is a fault of a vast number of other couples).

We have been married (happily most of the time) for well over 20 years, and went out with each other for almost 10 years before we got married.

Like all families we have had ups and downs and pulled through together. 'I' am certainly not 'in charge'.......and shudder even at the thought. We typically make joint decisions, but I would find it hard to do something (eg. get a cleaner) if she says she doesn't want one.

A cleaner is a contentious issue. On the one hand I would love one, but if my husband suggested it I am not sure I would assume he was thinking about me....and I would be anxious that the house was clean before she came so it would defeat the object. We could afford a cleaner, I would love a cleaner, but on the whole I would rather live in a slightly less "clean" house than have someone in my domain. To a man that probably sounds ridiculous, but I know many of my friends feel the same way.

I think that is what you are up against across the board here in many ways; differing expectations, differing perspectives and differing optimum solutions.

justanopinion

Hi SKYDT

I was just going to tell you what it's like having depression - well, my experience of it. I don't have children, so I cannot help there. Glad you know it's an illness.

I have cut myself off from everyone in my life. The only way I communicate is with the internet on the whole. This is the most honest I have ever been on a forum. The only person who I see is my partner. I summon the will to see my Mum once every week or so, as I know she is worried sick about me. Her worrying and concern makes me feel worst. And by depression, I have suicidal thoughts most days.

Conversation exhausts me. I used to go out with friends shopping and for coffee. It was the last contact I managed to keep up. As for hobbies? No chance. I don't feel worthy of them, nothing at all holds my interest.

A lot of what you are saying you want your wife to do, get hobbies etc, find something she enjoys, is something my partner said to me. Now he accepts I am just not up to it at the moment. Hell, I can not wash my hair for 4 days because I cannot summon the will.

I had a very successful career and I have lost it through this illness.

Your wife not interacting with children etc, and your post that she had depression before just stood out to me.

The most active I have been in the last month was when my friend was rushed to hospital. I visited her every day. It gave me a purpose for a week. Maybe your wife is doing the same with her Dad?

Hope my ramblings help, how you describe your wife's behaviour just struck a chord with me.

All the best x

SKYDT

cte1111 - I feel a little uncomfortable with your comments.

I think (I hope) it is just how I have expressed the situation, rather than how it is. Perhaps I am wrong and i need to reflect.

When just I worked, yes I expected her to to do the household chores.

Now that I work 5 days, and she works 4, then yes, I expect her to spend 'some' of that extra day doing household chores.

However, I feel your criticisms of me quite harsh. I don't think so much that I am critical of her, or resentful of her, or unhappy of her. Although I am sure there are 'some' elements of this.

My underlying and completely overriding concern is....'fear' (not sure that is the correct work, but can't think of the correct one.....) FOR her.

I totally feel that in 10, or 14 years time, the kids will look back and have no happy memories of being with their mother.
Even in the shorter term, as they go into their teens and my wife and I will want to talk with them as they grow into adults, I fear that they won't want to talk to her.
How will she feel then?

I am scared 'for' her.
I don't think I am critical of her.

(Regarding discussing FIL i most certainly haven't banned any discussion....lol... It is a critical element of the current situation so cannot be dismissed. However I need to make it clear that it is NOT the underlying problem. Its just an added difficulty.)

FBaby

Could you're wife new suffering from herself taking her life for granted? Unfortunately some people suffer froM depression because they haven't learnt to appreciate what they have. Your wife has a loving husband, great kids, I assume no serious financial problems but yet feels unfulfilled. It its much harder to understand and sympathise with that sort of depression than when it is caused by fear or loss.

Saying that I suspect your wife had traded depression and boredom for exhaustion, hence not shouting any longer. Going from a life of leisure to a life of work and caring for parent must be quite demanding. If she was starting to be a bit better with the kids then maybe she will be again when things settle with her dad. In the end the children have you to spend quality time with and that's already more than some kids have.

SKYDT

74jax...I don't know how similar our situations are.

When my FIL was first taken to hospital ('I' took him), we both spent almost all day for several days with him.

Now, several months later he is in a rehab centre. I don't know how critical that makes it now - different people still have different views.

To me he is the same person he was many months ago. When we visit him now he is sat in an ordinary chair watching TV, chatting away, exactly how we would see him when he lived alone at home.

When he was at home (presumably at risk of a stroke or other illness) we visited him once a week. His other children maybe once a month.

Now those other children are visiting him maybe twice or three times a month, and my wife 5 times a week, for 2 to 3 hours a time. They seem to have found a balance between their family's needs and their father's needs. Does he need someone with him all the time now, whereas he might have gone a whole week without a visitor before?

I feel I am being harsh again.......

Acc72

The parent-child relationship is the same between your wife and her dad as it is between your wife and your children.

You don't mention your wifes mum ? - it may be that under the circumstances, for the short term she is prioritising her time with her dad as she has less time with him than she will have with her children.

angelsmomma

You are putting feelings onto your wife that she just does not have.

How do you know she will regret it in 10 or 14 years. It might be a relief to her that she is no longer expected to interact so much now they are grown.

Your feelings are obviously not hers, she is a different person and as this is a long time situation in your family it is not fair of you to keep expecting her to feel what she obviously does not.

I don't want to get at you op but really feel you are not getting it at all. I understand your 'fear' for the future but the problem is you may not have a future if you keep pushing her.