Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

OK I must leave for the rest of the day.

I'll try coming back this evening and replying to any comments.

Thanks again for all the suggestions and advice. Not so much for any over-the-top criticisms....lol....

SKYDT

Clutterfree wrote: »

But a few posts back you said you probably wouldn't notice or miss her if she disappeared!

Do you not think she picks up on that?

No, I said the kids probably wouldn't notice.

I am an adult, and a loving husband. Of course 'I' would miss her!

But kids are kids. They want to be engaged. To be stimulated. To feel the centre of attention.

(Of course, they can't be all the time. But they sure miss it when they don't get any.)

Mojisola

cte1111 wrote: »

Your wife's relationship with her children will continue to develop as they grow older and their needs change.

Not unless she puts some effort into it. The children are more likely to walk away and not bother with her in future.

tea_lover

SKYDT wrote: »

But kids are kids. They want to be engaged. To be stimulated. To feel the centre of attention.

(Of course, they can't be all the time. But they sure miss it when they don't get any.)

Kids often want things that aren't necessarily that good for them, I'd argue that wanting to feel the centre of attention could be one of those things.

They also want to know that home is somewhere they'll get well fed, that their clothes will be clean, that someone will remember if they need their PE kit that day. It may not be the fun side of parenting, but that doesn't mean that kids appreciate it any less.

You seem to have a very narrow view of the style of parenting that your children will remember and appreciate. Your wife's contributions to their upbringing seem to be disregarded as they're not the way you want her to do things.

huskypup

Hi I have read all of the pages and the follow has sprung to my mind

Do the children resent not spending time with their mum or is it you that resents not spending time with her? Most 10 - 15 year olds you are lucky if you get a grunt at tea time.

My mum died a two years ago and for the final 3 months of her life - I would work full time then drive 30 mins to the hospital stay for visiting 3 - hours, drive home. Two nights at week I would then go straight to my second job and then spend at least 3 hours each Sat and Sun with her at the hosp. My sister and I did exactly the same - when someone was allowed to visit one of us was there - not once did my husband or her husband and our children say "re sent you spending time with *******"

She sadly passed on and each weekend I now spend Saturdays with my dad and my sister spends Sundays with him - not once has our families said "We resent you spending time with ******".

Sometimes our hubbies and kids come and visit my dad sometimes they dont, and if the situation was the other way round we wouldn't say it to our other halves if it was their parents.

I wished I had spent longer with my mum than I did, both me and my sister are glad that she didnt spend her final months in the company of strangers, and we won't allow my dad to either.

Maybe you need to suggest you all visit together more often, your father in law is family as well.

thorsoak

Out of interest, Sky, who was "interacting" with your children last evening?

paddy's_mum

SKYDT wrote: »

But we are not a family at the moment..... :-(

Really? Really!! I give up, honestly I do.

What do you think constitutes a family, then? Is it not what you have already told us your set-up is - a mum and dad and a home and some children and those parents working, providing for and caring for the needs of those children? Why does exactly who gives-what-part-of-which-need matter so much to you?

Eight pages on you are still going on about what it is that YOU want and since the opening post, you have come up with reason after reason why YOUR way is best.

In your wife's shoes, I'd resent the hell out of your arrogant and blinkered view of the way your family dynamic works ... Oh, sorry, I forgot - you are not a family, are you!

I'm outta here since you seem incapable of absorbing anything that doesn't fit your mould. Are you aware that sometimes it's the things a person doesn't want to hear that are the most valuable?

thorsoak

I haven't got time now to go back through your posts Sky, but although you say you don't think you are critical of her - I could point to at least four posts when you ARE critical of her.

And, if as you say that FIL is not the underlying problem, why did you head your thread with the title "wife spends more time with father"?

Read this thread as if you were reading it from the point of view of a reader, rather than poster, and ask yourself - who has the problem here?

poet123

SKYDT wrote: »

A very fair point.

I do not know for certain.
I am just fearful.

'I' only have a few happy memories of being with my dad for example, on the few occasions he did something with me. I hate the thought of my kids growing up and not having happy memories of being with me.

Perhaps my wife is not concerned at all.
Is a valid point.

I think this is the crux of the matter. You are projecting your feelings about your father onto your wife, and to you she is going down the same road. I think that until you address those issues within you, she will always fall short of your expectations.

Mojisola

thorsoak wrote: »

And, if as you say that FIL is not the underlying problem, why did you head your thread with the title "wife spends more time with father"?

It came over to me that the time being spent with her father was the final straw rather than the main issue.