Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

Dunroamin

supersaver2 wrote: »

I've not had that feeling from reading his posts at all, the children need at least one parent to take a interest in them and spend time with them, they clearly aren't getting that from their Mum.

So where did he mention missing his wife as a woman or wanting to spend time with her as a couple? Perhaps I missed it.

Do children really need to have a parent learning to play tennis at the same time as they do or learning the piano alongside them? Surely, when children get to this age (the older two at any rate), activities are about promoting independence and becoming an individual, not to have a parent muscling in on it?

supersaver2

angelsmomma wrote: »

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I don't think that is fair at all.

There are two sides to every tale and we are only hearing it from the ops point of view.

I can only base my opinio of what's been written, I'm not a psychic, but children who are upset and asking why their own Mum doesn't want to spend anytime with them doesn't suggest a Mum who takes much interest in her children.

paddy's_mum

Mojisola wrote: »

It's interesting to see the different replies to this situation and the replies given to Say who? on her thread - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4816455

Apart from Sky's OH having the current problem with visiting her father, the two long-standing problems are very similar but the replies aren't.

This reply is to honour what Mojisola has raised.

I believe there is a vast difference between the two threads. Maybe the best way I can address it is to remark upon this one and let the differences speak for themselves.

Sky's (John's) thread makes it very clear that his wife is doing her fair share, whether that be paid work, housework, childcare etc.

John's thread makes it very clear that the subject of 'interaction' or 'quality time' has come up on, at least, several occasions in the past. He makes reference to bringing the subject up (again! - my italics).

John's thread makes it clear that his wife HAS been honest, especially when she told him that she was more interested in them when the children were small. (Can't now remember which post - drat!) There must be many women out there who adore being the be-all-and-end-all for their tots but begin to see freedom beckoning as those children get older and more independent.

I once went to a radio studio to hear an interview with the late, great Claire Rayner and one of the questions from the audience concerned why the questioner's mother wasn't willing to child-mind her two grandchildren. Claire Rayner replied with this (just about but not a quote) 'Perhaps your mother isn't especially maternal and feels that having given you and your siblings a bluddy good start in life, feels that now it is her turn to live the life that she wants.' Perhaps this is exactly what Mrs SkyJohn feels.

What SkyJohn hasn't answered (or perhaps even addressed in his innermost thoughts) is my earlier question of:-

What are you going to do if your wife will not or cannot do as you want her to do?

Look, let's put it this way. If my husband keeps telling me little porky-pies, I feel entirely justified in yelling at him (verbal abuse :rotfl: !!) that he has got to change his ways or else! He has a choice in whether he is truthful or not.

If my husband, on a weekly basis, keeps double booking us, I feel entirely justified in throwing his unfilled-in daily diary at his feet, and won't make the coffee cos I'm cross. He has a choice in whether or not he checks the calendar and/or speaks to me about the plans for the week.

However, if my husband has all the dancing grace of Anne Widdecombe or John Sargent, how can I FORCE him to change?

If my husband has all the stridency of Elaine Stritch, how can I FORCE him to sing like Vera Lynn?

At the end of the day, SkyJohn can make only one of two choices - accept or leave.

All the wishing and hoping and praying and nagging and counselling and criticism and begging CANNOT make his wife be just like him and frankly, nor should it.

SkyJohn - can you really not find a way to co-exist and love and live peacefully with one another?

I am absolutely sure that continued quiet hostility and/or a divorce will do far,far more damage to your children than any amount of lack of 'quality time' when those same children do realise that she is the other lynchpin in their lives.

I beg you to reconsider your stance.

I'm out.

jansus

I did exactly this when my mum had a stroke, i went to work then a quick bite to eat then hospital, i did this for 4 months i couldn't have done anything else. she was my mum and she was in a sorry state there was no way i was leaving her sitting in hospital on her own.
I was completely shattered by the end of it and somewhat depressed myself. It is a life changing situation for everyone concerned and i think your wife needs your support, your children will be fine they are at an age when they can see the situation for themselves and deal with it.
I will say my marriage didn't survive due to my ex husbands lack of support, when the chips are down you need the person in your life to be there for you however long it takes.

nimbo

SKYDT wrote: »

Now, several months later he is in a rehab centre. I don't know how critical that makes it now - different people still have different views.

I feel I am being harsh again.......

I don't know how critical his condition is medically - BUT look at it from his point of view.

He sleeps in a room (possibly shared) where he can hear other people cough, snore, fart and moan as they sleep.

Each morning he wakes up in a strange bed, in a room that smells a bit funny. (It's a hospital after all, and all of those other inhabitants may have been trumping)... This wake up may not be the time he chose to, but the time that Mr Jones decided he was going to take himself to the toilet, and fell over.

He then rings a bell and awaits a cup of tea (which may be luke warm in the name of H&S, or because it took 10 minutes to arrive)... A stranger helps him to bathe, and dress. -Woo hoo for him, getting to show his privates to a young nurse who is a stranger to him. She's probably lovely, but he can't remember her name, as there are so many nurses on shift.

He then gets breakfast, which isn't really what he would have chosen, but it's the 'easy' option that can be eaten one handed, as if he has anything else, someone has to feed him.

Then he gets a bit of physical therapy, again he's a lovely guy, but not much of a conversationalist.

After this grueling morning he gets sat in front of **loose women** (insert name of any trashy TV, that might be on the them common room) - he probably won't be able to turn over, as the staff might chose, or there may be more people who want to watch that then the other options...

He'll get cups of tea provided, and ten minutes here or there of conversation with staff, or other residents. BUT you haven't said if his speech is affected, so this might be hard for him, and for others to understand. Even if his speech is fine others in the unit may have issues communicating - he will get to see the 'other sides' of his situation. The people who are doing better than him, and the people who aren't. BUT that could be him 'next time'...

He gets to live in this little unit, all day everyday, having to ask for help to have a wee... He may be sat there thinking about where he goes next... Will they let him home??? Or will he have to spend his life's savings on a residential care home, where he could feel like a burden with old people who smell of wee... I realise he can probably sit and talk about the rerun of murder she wrote he got to see this afternoon but he's probably seen them all (I know I have at least twice, and I'm half his age).

(I'm not in any way trying to say that the care he is receiving is not good, but it isn't his 'home', and although it's potentially the best place for him, it's important for him to see his family)...

How much would you need family support???? How often would you want your children to visit????

I know personally I would want my family there as much as possible, and would want to do all that I could for my parents. He must be bricking it, and getting to see his daughter will be working to al least give him something to look forward to each night. (Last time my mum was in, I felt bl00dy awful for the people who had no visits, and were there for a couple of days - they looked miserable).

marisco_2

Cut your wife some much needed slack is my advice. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she has been traumatised by what her dad has been through in recent weeks. The frequency of her visits reflect the level of anxiety and concern she has for her dad at this time, and her need to support him regardless of who else could step in and do the same. I think that is totally understandable. Your kids are not little and should be able to accept, that for the time being you are their primary carer, whilst their mum concentrates on their granddad. It's not your kids emotional needs you should be most focussed on meeting right now, but your wife's by holding everything together at home. Surely she would do the same for you if the situation were reversed.

Somerset

Dunroamin wrote: »

So where did he mention missing his wife as a woman or wanting to spend time with her as a couple? Perhaps I missed it.

You did miss it. It come's across loud and clear to me.


I'll say something contentious. Poster's have ascribed various reason's for the wife's position - exhaustion, depression, lack of support etc. Maybe because there has to be a reason, a reason the OP doesn't see.


Maybe the reason is simply that the 'family' isn't a priority to the wife. Husband - tick, marriage - tick, kids - tick. What makes her happy is shopping, friend's ... not being at home.


Some people do what's expected of them. Once it's done, they expect it to 'stay done' without a huge amount of input from them.


Surely I can't be the only one who's known people who thought as long as the kid's were physically sorted/schooled, they'd done their bit ? Often sending the kid's to boarding school. Having no concept of the love and emotional needs aspect.


Just an idea.

Spendysaver

SKY - I've just read this thread from start to finish and been compelled to reply for the first time on this forum. It's not meant to be judgemental, but could be construed as constructive criticism I suppose.

I've been in your wife's situation. I lost my dad this week and even though it hasn't sunk in properly yet, I can tell you your wife is probably feeling like she's being pulled in about ten different directions. ANY time spent with the children is quality time, it doesn't have to be one to one. Do you think your children my be old enough to understand that grandad probably appreciates spending quality time with his daughter, especially if he's cooped up in a rehab unit all day with little or no mobility? Perhaps the children could start helping their mum with the housework when she gets home? I remember many a chat with my mum over the washing up!

I spent months going straight from work to see my dad, doing his laundry, shopping and housework. In the end I was going straight to to the hospital. Believe me it's exhausting. As the previous poster said, please cut her some slack.

Her dad may not be in immediate danger now, but she's had a scare and wants to spend as much time as possible with her dad. Speaking from experience, these situations don't last forever but how you support your wife through this will stay with her forever.

Clutterfree

Hugs. So sorry for your loss xx

Dunroamin

Somerset wrote: »

You did miss it. It come's across loud and clear to me.

Some quotes to back up you assertion would be good - all I've read is about time with the children and family time.