Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

ciderwithrosie_2

That's why I gave a potted version of our family dynamics - as it can still work if one parent is more emotionally detached than the other. It's about accepting each others weaknesses and making the best of the strengths. Our boys know what they can rely on their dad to do and what they can rely on me to do. For example, if they want a cooked breakfast, some ironing done (although they mostly do this themselves), help to mend something, they ask their dad. If they need a hug or a listening ear or help with school/college/uni they come to me.

Can I just ask, what happens at Christmas/Birthdays? Who buys the kids' presents, organises parties? If your wife does this then she must listen to the children and know what things they like and care about their happiness. That would be more telling to me than who does the everyday stuff. Maybe she's just not good at showing it on the surface like my OH.

Mojisola

It's interesting to see the different replies to this situation and the replies given to Say who? on her thread - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4816455

Apart from Sky's OH having the current problem with visiting her father, the two long-standing problems are very similar but the replies aren't.

busiscoming2

SKYDT wrote: »

Clutterfree - I have to admit....I am stumped. I just don't know how to reply to your comments...lol....

Do I see depression as a weakness...? Hmmm....I don't know. I don't WANT to say yes, as it makes me sound.....I don't know...harsh?

My earlier comments were just that I felt lucky that I don't think anything would make me.....'spiral inwards'....does that make sense?
An explanation would be to say I am 'un-emotional' and indeed our counselor suggested this in our discussions. Upon discussion, I think I am able to 'act' un-emotionally, to detach myself from situations, though I am most definitely an emotional person!

You have a good point about her 'disappearing'. Would we notice?
How bad am I to say....no ?
I hate to say it. I don't want to say it.
But at the moment, that might be the answer :-(

A while ago she went away for a long weekend with friends.
Did we manage? Yes?
Did the kids wash their teeth 'every' day? No.
Were they immaculately dressed every day? No.
Did we all have a lot of fun? Yes.
Did they miss their mum? Dammit, I have to say it again. No.

And that is the crux of the situation I guess. The practical things can either lapse a little, or you can pay someone to do the cleaning, the ironing etc. The kids take such things for granted (although I teach them not to do so.)
But the nurturing side of things are most definitely needed.

These questions were actually discussed with the counselor. They asked if the kids would miss 'me' if I were away. There was a different answer. If I was away they would have no parent to play, or interact with. They WOULD miss that......

It is good that you are being so honest although understandably a hard thing to do. What you have said above is what a lot of women and children predominately say about the male.
You have voiced your concerns to your wife and also while having councelling. Your wife is obviously well aware of the effects this is having on the children and you as a family unit. If she is quite accepting and sees nothing wrong with it, then you are just going to have to come to terms with it and continue to be the nurturing parent.

Think of it this way (I know you love your wife) but if you and her were to part company who would become the children's main carer, who would they stay with?

As has been said, in the future the children will probably be distanced from their mother and closer to you.

duchy

Well Sky I really think you've had a lot of opinions and some of them you've discounted out of hand -even when several people have reached the same conclusion so maybe just maybe people are seeing things that you are doing without even realizing you are doing them ?

Sometimes seeing how outsiders view a situation can make you aware of things you've never considered or make you realize you have certain presumptions that may not be the same as everyone elses and you've never realized they don't assume everything that you do. It can give you a new viewpoint on a situation and that can be helpful.

poet123

Mojisola wrote: »

It's interesting to see the different replies to this situation and the replies given to Say who? on her thread - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4816455

Apart from Sky's OH having the current problem with visiting her father, the two long-standing problems are very similar but the replies aren't.

I wouldn't say they were that different.

Dunroamin

SKYDT wrote: »

Duchy - your latest comments are totally fair.

I fully accept that she didn't 'feel' like an individual Just a wife and mum.

However rest assured, I NEVER placed any pressure on her to work, OR to stay at home. I was completely open and let HER choose. I did NOT mind either way.

I was concerned (and still am) that she has no interests and hobbies outside of the home. 'I' would find that extremely difficult (and boring). I have SO many interests and hobbies, but so little time to enjoy them.

I am currently taking tennis lessons with my kids. And piano lessons alongside them too. It gives us all something to talk about!

During counseling she was asked to name her interests and hobbies. The only one she could say was baking. Making cakes.
I accept she has done this, and a few times with the kids. But if it was her passion I would expect her to want to do it more.

Again, I have to say that I have never (and would never want to) specify a role for her. I want her to decide and develop her life as she wants to. I do NOT want her to devote her life to me or the kids. I want her to have a fulfilling life for herself, in the same was as I want one for MYself, and the kids for THEMselves.

Again I come back to this idea of 'balance'. We should all spend some time for ourselves. To spend with our friends. And then ALSO with our family. Indeed, if you have all these 'other' interests you have plenty to discuss when you come together.

I wonder whether I'm the only one to think that you're tooinvolved with your children and with your role as a parent?

Unless I've missed it, you don't seem to have mentioned you and your wife having any social life together as a couple at all. It would drive me round the bend to be married to someone like you!

Spendless

My maternal Grandfather had a stroke when I was 8 and then lived for the next 25 years. My paternal Grandfather had a stroke when I was 16 and then lived for the next 13 years. I have a sister 7 years younger than myself. Both Grandfathers were both in hospital for several weeks following their strokes. In both cases I don't remember how much time my parent/s took to visit them, but they must have. When my Mum's Dad had his stoke they lived in a city 25 miles away, she didn't drive and my sister was a baby. I do remember visiting both of them as a family and it being quite common they would take us x amounts of time per week. I would have remembered though if my parents had been 'battling' at this time if one had considered the other should be at home rather than visiting a sick parent.

kelpie35

Hi Skydt

I have been following your thread and would like to say that I think you have been very brave in opening up and being honest in how you feel.

I have no easy answers for you in your predicament as I find that is usual for the wife to complain that the dad never has time to play with the children or help with the housework, so I was really shocked to find that you are so worried about how this is affecting your children.

I do not know if this suggestion might help, but feel you could consider it.

How about sometime during the weekend you can arrange a family conference , where you all sit round the table and share how you are all feeling. It would give you the chance to let your wife know how much you love her. It would give the children the opportunity to share their worries and fears. It would give your wife the chance to let you all know how she feels and how worried she might be feeling re her dad.

It would be a time that you all come together as a family. During the conversations it might be possible to set a timetable where you and your with agree to share homework and hobby time with the children.

Here is an example Mon....you do homework/hobbies/tea/housework while your wife is visiting her dad. Tue. you go to visit your FIL while she does homework/hobbies/tea/housework.

When the hospital visit is finished for the evening, the children are in bed then it is time to spend together, catching up on how the day has gone. You can both then discuss any problems or worries, if any.

I do hope you can find an answer to this problem as you sound like a kind and caring husband and dad.

supersaver2

Dunroamin wrote: »

I wonder whether I'm the only one to think that you're tooinvolved with your children and with your role as a parent?

Unless I've missed it, you don't seem to have mentioned you and your wife having any social life together as a couple at all. It would drive me round the bend to be married to someone like you!

I've not had that feeling from reading his posts at all, the children need at least one parent to take a interest in them and spend time with them, they clearly aren't getting that from their Mum.

angelsmomma

supersaver2 wrote: »

I've not had that feeling from reading his posts at all, the children need at least one parent to take a interest in them and spend time with them, they clearly aren't getting that from their Mum.

I don't think that is fair at all.

There are two sides to every tale and we are only hearing it from the ops point of view.