Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Hi justanopinion :-)

I find it difficult replying, as 'I' personally have no experience of depression myself so cannot comment what is 'normal' activity and what is not.

My wife has never lived a solitary life. Even when suffering from depression. She would quite happily spend half a day chatting with friends over a coffee. Or going shopping with a friend for several hours. Or ironing for several hours (I know, it sounds weird, but she says she enjoys it and find it therapeutic....)

I have said I want her to get a hobby. But is more general than that. I want her to do ANYTHING that makes her happy. Probably away from the family. In the hope that she then feels happier when she comes back to the family.

angelsmomma

SKYDT wrote: »

Hi justanopinion :-)

I find it difficult replying, as 'I' personally have no experience of depression myself so cannot comment what is 'normal' activity and what is not.

My wife has never lived a solitary life. Even when suffering from depression. She would quite happily spend half a day chatting with friends over a coffee. Or going shopping with a friend for several hours. Or ironing for several hours (I know, it sounds weird, but she says she enjoys it and find it therapeutic....)

I have said I want her to get a hobby. But is more general than that. I want her to do ANYTHING that makes her happy. Probably away from the family. In the hope that she then feels happier when she comes back to the family.

But she is doing what makes her happy, she is visiting her dad.

SKYDT

FBaby wrote: »

Could you're wife new suffering from herself taking her life for granted? Unfortunately some people suffer froM depression because they haven't learnt to appreciate what they have. Your wife has a loving husband, great kids, I assume no serious financial problems but yet feels unfulfilled. It its much harder to understand and sympathise with that sort of depression than when it is caused by fear or loss.

Saying that I suspect your wife had traded depression and boredom for exhaustion, hence not shouting any longer. Going from a life of leisure to a life of work and caring for parent must be quite demanding. If she was starting to be a bit better with the kids then maybe she will be again when things settle with her dad. In the end the children have you to spend quality time with and that's already more than some kids have.

Yes. And yes again.

Maybe this is where we are.
Maybe this is how it will be for the future.

But we are not a family at the moment..... :-(

Pleaseadvise

I am sad to hear your situation, Skydt, as it is my worst nightmare to have a depressed spouse.

My own mother has had recurring depression for over 30 years, with many long spells in hospital. Even when she was officially well, for many years she was just hanging on - she couldn't offer her children any emotional connection. There wasn't anything there to give. Do I resent this, even though I know it wasn't her fault? Yes.

I've seen a number of posts wondering what caused your wife's depression. I'd like to say that sometimes there just isn't a reason. Every time my mum gets out of hospital she comes up with a reason why she got ill this time, and changes her life to cut whatever it is out. But every time she gets ill again. It's just how she is.

SKYDT

angelsmomma wrote: »

How do you know she will regret it in 10 or 14 years. It might be a relief to her that she is no longer expected to interact so much now they are grown.

A very fair point.

I do not know for certain.
I am just fearful.

'I' only have a few happy memories of being with my dad for example, on the few occasions he did something with me. I hate the thought of my kids growing up and not having happy memories of being with me.

Perhaps my wife is not concerned at all.
Is a valid point.

SKYDT

angelsmomma wrote: »

But she is doing what makes her happy, she is visiting her dad.

Yes!

But she doesn't bring that happiness back with her to the family.
We all want to share in her happiness.

thorsoak

When you suffer from depression, you can be surrounded by people, you can chatter and laugh with them - but inside, you can still be dying - and crying out for help. But you cannot put into words the feelings that others around you see as weakness.

And to me, it would appear that you see depression as a weakness.

cte1111

SkyDT, my posting was trying hard to be factual, not critical. It is your own postings that show clearly your criticisms of her (why else would you list an hour by hour break down of how she spend her last 2 days off?). Why would you even start the thread if you weren't happy with how things are?

You can't change someone, however much you love them and however well meaning your motivations. Your wife parents differently to you. She's heard your misgivings about this but she still does things her way. I think that's where you should leave it.

Your children are fortunate to have 2 parents that care for them and ensure between them that both their practical and emotional needs are met. You are fortunate that you enjoy taking part in hobbies that your children also enjoy, why not try to relax and let things be for a while? Your wife's relationship with her children will continue to develop as they grow older and their needs change.

SKYDT

Hi pleaseadvise, welcome to the discussion.

Pleaseadvise wrote: »

My own mother has had recurring depression for over 30 years, with many long spells in hospital. Even when she was officially well, for many years she was just hanging on - she couldn't offer her children any emotional connection. There wasn't anything there to give. Do I resent this, even though I know it wasn't her fault? Yes..

I am sorry to hear of your own experience.

But your reply struck a big chord.

Do my kids resent my wife's lack of interaction?
Probably yes.

But I don't want to blame depression. Hell I don't even know she HAS depression. She had it before, but is not diagnosed with it at the moment.

I want to find a way to overcome any hurdles.....

Clutterfree

SKYDT wrote: »

Yes!

But she doesn't bring that happiness back with her to the family.
We all want to share in her happiness.

But a few posts back you said you probably wouldn't notice or miss her if she disappeared!

Do you not think she picks up on that?