Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Duchy - your latest comments are totally fair.

I fully accept that she didn't 'feel' like an individual Just a wife and mum.

However rest assured, I NEVER placed any pressure on her to work, OR to stay at home. I was completely open and let HER choose. I did NOT mind either way.

I was concerned (and still am) that she has no interests and hobbies outside of the home. 'I' would find that extremely difficult (and boring). I have SO many interests and hobbies, but so little time to enjoy them.

I am currently taking tennis lessons with my kids. And piano lessons alongside them too. It gives us all something to talk about!

During counseling she was asked to name her interests and hobbies. The only one she could say was baking. Making cakes.
I accept she has done this, and a few times with the kids. But if it was her passion I would expect her to want to do it more.

Again, I have to say that I have never (and would never want to) specify a role for her. I want her to decide and develop her life as she wants to. I do NOT want her to devote her life to me or the kids. I want her to have a fulfilling life for herself, in the same was as I want one for MYself, and the kids for THEMselves.

Again I come back to this idea of 'balance'. We should all spend some time for ourselves. To spend with our friends. And then ALSO with our family. Indeed, if you have all these 'other' interests you have plenty to discuss when you come together.

duchy

The cleaner sounds like a good idea as it removes one of the issues -and frees up time for other things.

When I was talking about housework I was talking about previously not since she has started visiting..... It may be me misunderstanding but it is coming across that you regard housework as "her department" understandable when she was at home -but not now she's working. Prior to her Dad getting ill but after she started working how did you divide it up ? Maybe that's when you should have got a cleaner ?

I think all you can do at this point is clear the decks of minor issues like the cleaning to free up time so when things settle down with her Dad -there is time and space to work out what compromise you can find so you both get what you want from your marriage. Lots of talking and maybe counseling together (good for you going alone now) - when the time is right.....which simply isn't right now.

I think she may not WANT hobbies - some people don't...or even that shopping with the girls is indeed her hobby (I know...I don't get it either but it's true of some of my female friends ) or maybe you're pushing too hard to tell her she should have hobbies ? I think although you say you don't want her to do X or Y but just be happy..... I do think you are equating what makes you happy as what makes her happy.....and maybe you are the type who needs to be doing things to be happy-and she is happier in a more passive happiness ? Just a thought. Your balance and her balance may not fall in the same place.

houseimprover

SKYDT wrote: »

Quick one before I leave.....

Father HAS suffered a stroke.
WAS frightening at the beginning. ('I' was the one that diagnosed a possible stroke and took him to the hospital. 'My' father also had a stroke some time ago.)

However, this was almost 2 months ago now!

He is now up and about (with help). Reasonably healthy - in mind, if not, completely in body.

'My' father survived almost 15 years after his major stroke, and I have no reason to think FIL will not do similar. He 'was' always healthy, and seems reasonably happy now.

2 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of thing.! If this had been going on 6 months or more I may have sympathy but its only 8 weeks.

SKYDT

Clutterfree - I have to admit....I am stumped. I just don't know how to reply to your comments...lol....

Do I see depression as a weakness...? Hmmm....I don't know. I don't WANT to say yes, as it makes me sound.....I don't know...harsh?

My earlier comments were just that I felt lucky that I don't think anything would make me.....'spiral inwards'....does that make sense?
An explanation would be to say I am 'un-emotional' and indeed our counselor suggested this in our discussions. Upon discussion, I think I am able to 'act' un-emotionally, to detach myself from situations, though I am most definitely an emotional person!

You have a good point about her 'disappearing'. Would we notice?
How bad am I to say....no ?
I hate to say it. I don't want to say it.
But at the moment, that might be the answer :-(

A while ago she went away for a long weekend with friends.
Did we manage? Yes?
Did the kids wash their teeth 'every' day? No.
Were they immaculately dressed every day? No.
Did we all have a lot of fun? Yes.
Did they miss their mum? Dammit, I have to say it again. No.

And that is the crux of the situation I guess. The practical things can either lapse a little, or you can pay someone to do the cleaning, the ironing etc. The kids take such things for granted (although I teach them not to do so.)
But the nurturing side of things are most definitely needed.

These questions were actually discussed with the counselor. They asked if the kids would miss 'me' if I were away. There was a different answer. If I was away they would have no parent to play, or interact with. They WOULD miss that......

SKYDT

Ducy - I WILL look into getting a cleaner :-)

Unfortunately I will first have to discuss it with wife. She has always been against the idea :-( I originally wanted one 15 years ago, when we were both working, but no kids. She said no. I wanted it when she was not working. She said no.
I have to broach the subject again......

Hobbies....is a difficult subject...

I totally accept what makes me happy is NOT what makes her happy!
I like doing things. Trying out new things.

But I want her to find something (anything!) that makes her happy. Perhaps going shopping with her friends IS her hobby - so why wasn't she happy when she did it so much?

I sometimes feel that visiting her father has now become her 'hobby'. She is acting more passionate about these visits than she has ever done about anything else before.

Mojisola

SKYDT wrote: »

We had some difficulties as a family, because she was getting very angry with the kids. Her only interaction with them was to shout at them. I would spend most nights trying to placate them as they went to bed crying - sometimes scared and often questioning me why their mummy didn't like them and/or always shouted at them.

Our kids have developed anger issues. They get angry and shout a lot.

SKYDT wrote: »

You have a good point about her 'disappearing'. Would we notice?
How bad am I to say....no ?
I hate to say it. I don't want to say it.
But at the moment, that might be the answer :-(

A while ago she went away for a long weekend with friends.
Did we manage? Yes?
Did the kids wash their teeth 'every' day? No.
Were they immaculately dressed every day? No.
Did we all have a lot of fun? Yes.
Did they miss their mum? Dammit, I have to say it again. No.

Putting aside the current issue of her spending so much time with her father, I couldn't have put up with the way she has been behaving for all these years because it is damaging the children.

poet123

I think we cross posted re the use of the word "interact"

It is good that you are reflecting on your own part in this scenario. What comes across to me is someone at sea in his relationship. I can only surmise what has lead to that from what comes through in your posts. Unless I have missed it you haven't commented on the differences in upbringing if any between you and your wife.

You also use the word "I" a lot and not "we" in relation to decisions; I should have got a cleaner, it doesn't sound as if you engage together to make family decisions, it rather sounds as if you feel that ultimately they lie with you. Again, that could go back to upbringing. When we were arranging our wedding 32 years ago at the ripe old age of 19, I flatly refused to have the word "obey" in the service. My in laws to be were horrified....my FIL always had the last word on any family matter and my MIL felt that was how it should be. It wasn't like that in my household, my parents were a team. Fortunately, my husband to be agreed with me, and we have run our marriage that way. Had he taken the traditional line I have no doubt we would not still be happily married.

There are ways of presenting things that achieve a desired result and there are other ways which won't. From your posts I feel that you are in danger of doing the latter, albeit with the best of intentions.

justanopinion

I have read the entire thread and held off on replying, but your last comment about seeing depression as a weakness and not wanting to say yes? Wow. If that's what you even meant.

Depression is an illness and it is incapacitating. I was putting together a long response to explain as I think your wife is clearly depressed. I don't think you'd appreciate it though, so I have deleted it.

I wish you all the best.

SKYDT

Hi justanopinion :-)

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I did lay myself open....but am trying to be honest.

I do NOT see depression as a weakness. It is an illness. I totally appreciate that.

However, I have never suffered from it, so can not make any comments about how it feels to suffer from it.
In fact, maybe I HAVE suffered from depression. Maybe I am depressed now. I will see if the counselor has any advice.
I just don't 'feel' depressed if that makes sense. I feel in control. But confused with so many things happening at the moment.

Indeed, my wife never knew or admitted to being depressed, until someone else suggested it to her.

cte1111

In many ways I can identify with your wife, I think a lot of us can, and it does make it difficult to reply without doing so emotionally. I know that I must though, as you are unable to deal with an emotional reaction and will most likely ignore it, making the posting pointless.

If you look back at your postings, you have enumerated exactly how your wife has spent her free time and criticised it, because she is choosing to do what she wants rather than what you think she should do. You're clear that you expect her to spend her day off dealing with household chores and the rest of her free time spending quality time with your children and yourself.

However this is clearly not what your wife wants. This makes you critical of her. She relates to the children differently to you. This makes you critical of her and resentful that your family life is not how you pictured it. Overall, you are clearly not happy with your wife.

Finally we come to the matter of your father in law. Again I feel I shouldn't really touch on this, as you have banned it as a further topic of discussion, but it really can't just be swept under the carpet. When my Dad had a stroke and lost many of his capabilities, I felt responsible for him. It was in a way like having a newborn baby again. This was my feeling, however illogical you might see it. Perhaps you could talk to your wife about how she is feeling in the same situation?