Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

SKYDT

Thanks ciderwithrosie.

And this is what I have learnt more than anything else.
'Maybe' my hopes have been unrealistic.

Maybe my desire for a more balanced family is unrealistic.

I feel bad leaving most of the housework to my wife.
I try taking some things off her (eg. when I took on all the grocery shopping that she used to do) in the hope that that would release time for her to spend with the family. It's not easy for me, I work 5 days of long hours, together with all the other things, and looking after the kids.
Unfortunately she fills any newly created time with her own stuff. Nothing 'more' with the family.

So taking anything else off her (which I don't think I could do anyway) would not help.

Do I have to just settle with the way it is?
I am already physically and emotionally drained.

thorsoak

Although she has been treated for depression, depression doesn't just "go away" - and the problems with her father may be bringing it back to the forefront again Apart from suggesting that she goes to talk to her doctor, there isn't much that you can do.

You love her, the children love her, you want to keep the marriage going and therefore you have to accept her AS SHE IS.

Your experience of your father's stroke is influencing the way that you are looking at the implications of her father's stroke - he is still in rehab, and it may well be that his recovery is not as good as your father's was - and her father does not have a wife to look after him. Do you know what your wife's relationship with her father was when she was growing up? Was he her support?

I think you and your wife both feel physically and emotionally drained - and that is why she is filling her time with her own stuff - because neither of you is able to give the other the support that the other requires/needs.

SKYDT

Yes depression may be returning :-(

(And 'I' would probably be suffering too if I was that sort of person. Fortunately, I don't think I 'am' the sort of person who would suffer from depression.)

But I don't know how (or whether I could/should) raise the issue.
It was extremely hard the 'last' time, as no matter how gentle I broached the subject I received a whole lot of flack back. Until she accepted it and we dealt with it.

BTW, 'my' father's recovery was NOT good. He suffered a very big stroke, and had difficulties for the rest of the life. Including many further stays in hospital. But he DID have the benefit of a wife to look after him. FIL does not have this benefit :-(

Regarding the prior relationship of wife with FIL, I'm not sure how relevant it is.
If I say they were very close before, some people will say that that explains why she wants to spend all the time with him now.
If I say they weren't very close before, then some people will say that she is making up for that now by spending all her time with him now.
Of course, it can't be both, but I don't think it matters which I write - people will only say that her actions are correct for whichever scenario I describe......

Regarding 'support'. Maybe I am NOT giving her enough. I thought I was, but from what I hear maybe it is not enough. I understand that.
On the other side, 'I' am NOT requesting support. I understand the situation and do not expect more than she can offer. But I fear that our family is suffering, and may continue to suffer for 10+ more years.

This is why I first wrote. I am sure there are numerous families that have been in a similar situation before me. Having to look after a young family, whilst the grandparents get old and need to be looked after too.

I am trying to find the 'best' (or most appropriate) way of dealing with this situation. Maintaining an appropriate balance.
I don't think we should ignore FIL, for sake of our kids. But likewise I don't think we should ignore the kids for the sake of FIL.
Maybe a day with one, a day with the other.....?

dancingfairy

Strangely I was wondering at the begining of the thread whether the detatchment was depression. I suspect it is and possibly an inability/lack of confidence to know what to do/how to spend quality time with them.
I think you should get some counselling on your own. It sounds like you need someone to chat through the issues with and get things off your chest and to start seeing the wood for the trees a bit. Perhaps you can then think of a way forward.
Obviously spending time with them is important but it's difficult to know how to achieve this when things are obviously tense without being labeled as insensitive to the father situation. As you have said though you don't want it going on forever at the detriment to your children.
I think you need to make sure you are spending time with the children. You can't force your wife to spend time with them so they need someone. Hopefully in time she will spend time with them as well but make sure you are at least being consistent in your time with them if you can.
I hope you can begin to make sense of things.
df

FBaby

I wondered from the start whether depression on her part might be an issue here so am not surprised at ask to read that it it's and that totally change the dynamics of things. It sounds like it want that long ago that it was an issue. Could it be that her father's stroke has sent her right back into it?

Were the underlining issues that caused or linked with her depression ever discussed? Depression make people feel our think in ways that are very hard for others to understand especially when they seem to have a very happy and easy life.

My take it's that all the issues relate to it. Is she still receiving counselling?

Clutterfree

SKYDT, I have read this thread with interest because I am in the same position as your wife.
Before I got to your post #110 all I kept thinking was "this woman is depressed", it was screaming out at me.

I feel for you all, I really do but I feel the most for your wife.

Do you know how hard it is to juggle so many balls at once? Wondering when everything is going to come crashing down?

The father, the man you look up to, the man you adore, the man who looked after you suddenly becoming an old man, an ill man, a man that now needs looking after, a man that you suddenly realise isn't immortal, is vulnerable and now needs you to take the burden on your shoulders and look after him.

My father is that man, your wife's father is that man.
If we turned our back on our fathers at the time in their lives that they needed us most, what would that make us?

It is hard. Running two homes, wishing I could split myself down the middle so I could be in two places at once but I can't so I do the best I can. If my home is messier than it used to be, so what? I'd rather spend time with my dad whilst I still can.
I don't have a job so your wife has even more on her shoulders than me.

I too shut myself off from my family. I'm not proud of it but sometimes it has to be done for my own sanity. I don't want them seeing how low I am and it's not always easy to paint on a happy face day in, day out so I shut myself away, recharge my batteries. I too am depressed. I have to hide it from my father as I don't want him to worry about me and it is hard to keep up the facade all the time. Something has to give and sadly it happens when I'm at home.

My children are a little older, 14 and 17, so I do ask them to try and spend time with their grandad as he is not a well man, but at their age old people are boring and in their minds they have better things to do. I wish I'd spent more time with my grandad but that wisdom only comes with age.

I must admit I was shocked when I found out your FILs stroke was only 2 months ago. That's 8 weeks. That is so recent for a stroke so it is still early days not ages ago like you implied.
I don't want to jump on the bandwagon of criticising you as that is no help to anyone but I must just say a 10 and 13 year old saying their mum doesn't "interact" with them, really?! It's not a word my children would use, sounds more like a word you've said to them. Please don't use your children as ammo against your wife (not implying you do now but when resentment builds, it's a slippery slope). I do feel you have their best interests at heart, perhaps explain to them that mummy has a lot to deal with at the moment so you all need to support her and help her.

I had so much more I wanted to say, but lots has been lost as I've waffled on.
A father/ daughter relationship is a special bond, don't make her lose precious time with him, she won't thank you for it.

Good luck.

FBaby

All posting at the same time :-) the key question is: what triggered the depression?

SKYDT

dancingfairy wrote: »

....when things are obviously tense without being labeled as insensitive to the father situation. As you have said though you don't want it going on forever at the detriment to your children.

You've hit the nail on the head. I don't want it to continue, but see difficulties in raising the issue 'now'.

Depression......it 'may' be returning. But I don't want to completely 'hang my hat' on that theory just yet. When she suffered several years ago, she was a completely different person. Very angry. She is calmer now. May I even say she is 'happy' - she certainly is when she goes out with friends, or sees her dad. And 'sometimes' at home. But she seems unable to 'share' this happiness with me or the kids.

'I' AM arranging a counseling session with the same counselor - alone for now. Perhaps for both of us in due course. They knew our prior situation and understand the background. Perhaps they can build on the suggestions I have read on here, to help me 'adjust' MY actions to improve the family life.

paddy's_mum

SKYDT wrote: »

Do I have to just settle with the way it is?

Unfortunately, yes, you do because there is no alternative.

Look, leaving aside all this stuff about father in law and who does the shopping and what constitutes quality time, the basic, nitty-gritty nub of the problem is that you want her to behave in such-and-such a fashion - she either can't or won't do it or truly cannot see why you keep going on about her doing things your way. So, you keep on pushing and wonder why it isn't achieving the change you so much want to see.

Does it occur to you that she can't be anyone other than who she is? Does it occur to you that she feels undermined? Does it occur to you that what you're doing is nagging?

We are not all made the same way. I have zero interest in any babies (except my own) and can't remember ever having looked into a pram or kootchykoo'd at some newborn. My sister though cannot pass a small child without dissolving into ooh and aah. Which one of us is right? Which one is the better mother? Or, of course, we might just be different ...which is why restaurants have menus.

Keep on and you will achieve one thing, for sure. You'll have a divorce on your hands.

I'm not unsympathetic and I can see 'where you're coming from' but I can tell you this - if my husband kept on insisting that I be more like him, more like his perception of how things should be, more demanding that I obey, I would go out of my way to defy him. Might that be your wife's only escape from your demands?

What's for sure is that you cannot both keep bashing your heads on this brick wall forever. :wall:

Truly, I wish you both good luck in sorting out this tangle.

SKYDT

Thanks for your comments clutterfree. It sounds like you are in a similar situation.

It's so hard to write things down as the wrong 'word' can so easily be pounced upon. My children don't use the word 'interact'. I was just trying to explain the difference in the way the children complained about my wife's actions.

When they were younger they wanted mummy to 'play' with them. Play games. Jump about. Be silly.
As they have got older they want her to 'interact' with them (but they don't use that word). They would say they want her to make cakes with them. Do modelling with them. Throw a ball with them. Run around the garden with them.
(I just thought using the word 'interact' would be easier than writing all that down.)

I guess my major failing is that I am more detached. Am probably the same with my own parents. I find it easier to balance the many calls upon my time. My kids. My wife. My own parents. My wider family. My job. etc...

And that is listed in MY order of priority.