Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

Brighton_belle

SKYDT wrote: »

Regarding 'what does OP want from his wife'.....

It's not really what I want from her, but what I want from 'us' as a family. I want us to lead a happy, fulfilling, loving, and 'balanced' life. I am totally supportive of her FIL and of her visiting her FIL. I am also totally supportive of her having free time to go out with friends for coffee, cinema whatever. Likewise I need some 'personal' time, and so do the kids; to do their own things.

But I also want us to be a FAMILY. Able to talk, and listen to each other. To trust each other. Share experiences and discuss our happiness and sadness of things.

This emotional side of family life is missing. I do what I can, but I don't feel a 'father figure' is enough to give the children what they need. Especially as two of them are girls....

(Is it possible to close a thread, in order to start a new one?)

This is how I have read your posts from the beginning. Decent bloke anxious and concerned and not sure how to help make things better than have been not quite right for quite a while.

I think it is probably too late to start anew thread, as the the info you have posted re FiL is now known and will just travel with you.

Person_one

SKYDT wrote: »

At last...... :-)

I am getting the sort of replies I was half-expecting from the beginning.

Really can't be doing with posters who aren't actually interested in opinions other than their own, what's the point in posting at all?

I hope your wife's dad makes a good recovery.

FBaby

When you've brought this up in the past what has been her response? You said you went to counselling, did you bring this matter up? Did she agree with you, did she say she would make an effort? Did she bring up any issues she had with you?

Bennifred

I must say the 'quality time' thing makes me grind my teeth. It tends to be a phrase used by people who spend limited time with their children to justify their choices, imho. When your wife is at home OP she is around for the children without having to be totally focussed on them, surely? And seeing to their needs (cooking, laundry,etc) is a way of showing love too, even if it isn't your way.

If I were in your shoes I'd be thinking "What can I do to make the situation better for us all?" and I don't think the answer would be picking on her parenting style - I really hope you aren't pointing out what you think her deficiencies are to your children.
How do you know she isn't more responsive to them when you aren't around? She must feel like she is being judged the whole time - it would make anyone resistant and resentful, let alone someone who must be at the least very tired, if not a bit depressed.....:(

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

Really can't be doing with posters who aren't actually interested in opinions other than their own, what's the point in posting at all?

SKYDT wrote: »

At last...... :-)
...I WAS expecting views opposite from mine, and 'that' in particular was one reason why I was writing - to make sure that I didn't just consider my own blinkered view.

I think the OP was interested in other views, just not some of the aggressive unpleasantness. The opposing viewpoints are entirely fair to be expressed but I was shocked at some of the tone of the replies.

pearl123

SKYDT wrote: »

Am I being un-reasonable to suggest she visit him less often?

It would be awful if you suggested she visited him less often. How about lessening her burden. Not making it worse.
In your post you come across as dreadfully selfish.

Your wife is probably exhausted. Don't add to her problems!

barbiedoll

OP, what was your wife's relationship with her own parents like? Was she close to her mum? Has she always visited her father regularly or is she just doing so now because he is/has been ill?

I don't know how long you have known her or if you know what her childhood was like but maybe her parents were distant and not very involved in her life when she was at a similar age to your children. Perhaps she spends so much time with her dad as a way of finally getting him to notice her? If her parents didn't interact with her at that age, she may not know how to engage with her own children.

I think that most women, and men come to that, are better at dealing with their kids at different stages in their lives. Some women prefer babies, some love toddlers and others can't be bothered with small children but love teenagers and young adults. We mostly love our kids all of the time but dealing with the never-ending washing, cleaning, cooking (with 3 different tastes to cater for) clearing up after the endless snacks, watching dreary teenage films and tv programmes, and listening to their continuous squabbles over who sits where, who watches what, whose turn it is to use the laptop etc etc etc, can be VERY boring, especially after a day at work and an evening with a sick parent.

Instead of trying to live up to an ideal of the family sitting on the sofa, reading from a book (not going to happen in these days of iPods, games consoles and films on demand, sadly) why not encourage her to spend time with each child individually? Suggest that she takes one of the children with her to the cinema or for a coffee. They could take it in turns to have a "treat night" with her, the girls could paint their nails or do her hair for her and you could do something "blokey" with your son? Even just one evening a week with one of the children would make them feel like they had a bit of her attention. Don't expect her to be a perfect mum, there really is no such thing.

You mentioned that she has siblings, perhaps she has spent a lifetime competing with them to get her parents attention? Is she the middle child? Maybe her dad favoured her sister or her brother? It's a difficult subject to broach, none of us realise how much our childhood affects the way we behave as adults but there is probably a reason for her withdrawal from her family now.

All you can do is support her and be there for your children, at least for the moment. Do explain to them that mum is under the cosh at the moment and that she loves them but that their Grandad needs her more than they do. Whether or not you think that is true is beside the point, you need to ensure that they know that they are loved.

sharnad

You should have him come live with you, the. She would t have to spend so much time travelling to see him. You could also help out more with him

alwaystryyourbest

This has properly been already said but, could your wife take the kids with her more offen, could get them from school,then visit and get mc Donald's on the way home, also there is lots of games in play in cars like 1 child counts the red cars and 2nd child counts the blue cars etc....
I spy.......

Just also wanted to add, as long as one parent be it you or your wife is giving the kids lots of your time.. I think the kids will be fine ..
And it,s nice you are worrying about them..

I do also think your wife is doing to much,but she is just doing what's she feels she has too..
Hope home life improves for you and your wife's dad and family...

duchy

angelsmomma wrote: »

The father is there to give the children this sort of attention.

The mother is looking to the needs of her disabled father, the last thing she needs is guilt tripping by the people she relies on for support.

This

At the time my Mum was taken seriously ill my husband and I had recently split up -yet he did absolutely everything he could to take the pressure off me to make sure I didn't have to worry about our son and could spend the weeks in intensive care and later in rehab -with my only remaining parent helping her get through a really difficult stage in her life. There was no prospect of a reconciliation -he did it because he understood that it was important. He made sure our son got "quality time" -heck he even did my housework once in a while because he knew I was emotionally and physically exhausted with working and the visiting and everything else for our son and told me to focus on my Mum.

He was no saint but he "got it" that there are times you have to support the other parent so they can do what they have to do. If he got it and we weren't even living together why on earth can't you see that YOUR job as a good husband is to support your wife through a horrible time - not !!!!! that it has being a whole eight weeks. If you are a good enough parent then the kids won't feel the gap because you'll be filling it.

Your attitude astounds me that anyone could be as self centred as you are. Sorry but all your whining that no-one understands you is really annoying me. The problem is - we're understanding you a bit too well.....and you don't like it !

You may not be happy with the time your wife spends participating with the family....but do you really think adding pressure to an already difficult situation with her father is the right time ? Do you not see she will already be stretched emotionally to her limit and will see this as you putting the boot in when she is especially vunerable ? Women have left marriages for a lot less ! Then where will your quality family time be ? Every other weekend ?