Wife spends more time with her dad than with her kids

kizzie_nikita

Hi Sky,

I don't want to get involved in the arguments so i'm not going to say much except i'm very sorry you and your children are going through this. I'm also sorry you've had such distasteful comments from some people on this thread. It's obviously taking it's toll on you, and somewhat on the kids. I hope you manage to sort things out.

FBaby

I think the bottom line is: Now is the time to show support to your wife, just as you would do if there had no issues before. Talk to your kid and explain why it is so important for their mum to dedicate all her time to her dad at the moment (I think nimbo has described it as well as possible).

Hopefully, your wife will pick up on your efforts and understanding and as a result, will be much more opened to listening to all of you when she can focus her mind on you and the children. Let the children speak to her directly. Maybe what you can do to help is discuss with them the best way to approach the subject so it doesn't come across as accusatory. The outcome you want is that she listens. For her to actually listen, in a way that will make her want to make changes, is for her not to feel that she needs to defend herself. The more you are all supportive now, the more you discuss things where you all agree to look at how you can make things different/better, the more she will be prepared to consider your needs rather than hers.

When you reach a stage when you feel someone doesn't listen to you when what you desperately need them to, the best way to turn this around is to make the first step by showing that you are making efforts to listen to them. It is likely to mean for your wife at the moment not to be made to feel guilty for her dedicating her time, energy and attention to the person who needs her the most for the time being.

Clutterfree

Just had an idea, and I know it's a trivial one in the grand scheme of things but it may be a start...

You've said your wife likes baking. You've said your children would love to bake with her.

How about the children suggest to mum that together they could all bake grandad a lovely cake and then you could all take it with you and go visit him?

That way quality time is spent together AND she is also doing something nice for her dad. Perhaps then she won't feel guilty about time spent away fom her dad and the children will enjoy the time with her too.

Obviously don't suggest it the minute she gets home from work and is exhausted!

Perhaps it could be a Saturday morning thing for example.

As I said, it's only a little idea, but baby steps may be a start...

angelsmomma

Originally Posted by angelsmomma

I don't think that is fair at all.

There are two sides to every tale and we are only hearing it from the ops point of view.

supersaver2 wrote: »

I can only base my opinio of what's been written, I'm not a psychic, but children who are upset and asking why their own Mum doesn't want to spend anytime with them doesn't suggest a Mum who takes much interest in her children.

And again, we are only hearing this from the ops point of view.

indsty

First, my apologies as I haven't had time to read all these posts. It sounds like you care very much for your wife and children and that you hate to see her so stressed out. This has to be a family orientated solution. Your children are old enough to understand grandpa isn't well and that their mum loves him too and needs to spend time with him - so you and the children need to club together to do as much as possible "for mum" right now. Let the children explain that they miss having mum around, but also that they understand why this is happening.
If you pull together as a family for the next few months/year or so it will make you stronger as a family and the children will have seen valuable role models and learnt good lifeskills.

supersaver2

angelsmomma wrote: »

Originally Posted by angelsmomma

I don't think that is fair at all.

There are two sides to every tale and we are only hearing it from the ops point of view.





And again, we are only hearing this from the ops point of view.

Yes I do understand this, but that is the same with any another topic, a one sided story. As for my comment being unfair, I'm commenting on what I read, nothing more. I find the comments that have been made regarding the OP being selfish, spoilt, arrogant etc as being unfair.

I was reading a post on this forum just the other day about a women who wouldn't't allow her ex to see their child at all, he had spent money going through the courts until he had none left and was desperate, the reason for this as suggested by some posters was possible domestic violence or maybe depression, heaven forbid she could just be a bad mother. A big nasty man had to be the root of this problem. I can imagine threads go this way is due to the vast majority of posters being women. I'm a bloke with a young child and I lost my Dad last month, I visited him in the hospice at the end of his life, but not to the extent that I never saw my family, my Dad wouldn't have wanted that. It is possible for them both to compromise.

I await all the angry posts back, but as some have said (and still come back to post again!) I'm out of this thread, have a day out planned with my family.

susan1

nimbo wrote: »

I don't know how critical his condition is medically - BUT look at it from his point of view.

He sleeps in a room (possibly shared) where he can hear other people cough, snore, fart and moan as they sleep.

Each morning he wakes up in a strange bed, in a room that smells a bit funny. (It's a hospital after all, and all of those other inhabitants may have been trumping)... This wake up may not be the time he chose to, but the time that Mr Jones decided he was going to take himself to the toilet, and fell over.

He then rings a bell and awaits a cup of tea (which may be luke warm in the name of H&S, or because it took 10 minutes to arrive)... A stranger helps him to bathe, and dress. -Woo hoo for him, getting to show his privates to a young nurse who is a stranger to him. She's probably lovely, but he can't remember her name, as there are so many nurses on shift.

He then gets breakfast, which isn't really what he would have chosen, but it's the 'easy' option that can be eaten one handed, as if he has anything else, someone has to feed him.

Then he gets a bit of physical therapy, again he's a lovely guy, but not much of a conversationalist.

After this grueling morning he gets sat in front of **loose women** (insert name of any trashy TV, that might be on the them common room) - he probably won't be able to turn over, as the staff might chose, or there may be more people who want to watch that then the other options...

He'll get cups of tea provided, and ten minutes here or there of conversation with staff, or other residents. BUT you haven't said if his speech is affected, so this might be hard for him, and for others to understand. Even if his speech is fine others in the unit may have issues communicating - he will get to see the 'other sides' of his situation. The people who are doing better than him, and the people who aren't. BUT that could be him 'next time'...

He gets to live in this little unit, all day everyday, having to ask for help to have a wee... He may be sat there thinking about where he goes next... Will they let him home??? Or will he have to spend his life's savings on a residential care home, where he could feel like a burden with old people who smell of wee... I realise he can probably sit and talk about the rerun of murder she wrote he got to see this afternoon but he's probably seen them all (I know I have at least twice, and I'm half his age).

(I'm not in any way trying to say that the care he is receiving is not good, but it isn't his 'home', and although it's potentially the best place for him, it's important for him to see his family)...

How much would you need family support???? How often would you want your children to visit????

I know personally I would want my family there as much as possible, and would want to do all that I could for my parents. He must be bricking it, and getting to see his daughter will be working to al least give him something to look forward to each night. (Last time my mum was in, I felt bl00dy awful for the people who had no visits, and were there for a couple of days - they looked miserable).

This post made me laugh out loud, no i'm not cruel but it is so true. Yes, I would want to be helping father too.

poet123

Laugh? It made me feel really sad, as it is a very true reflection of the lives of some people.

monalia

There are crisis situations that happen. You don't seem be particularly accommodating for them.

poet123

Somerset wrote: »

Sorry I don't do research for other's. It's there if you look.

Usually the one who states xyz supports their contention with evidence.