relationship after affair

bugslet

arbroath_lass wrote: »

If he really wants to be with you surely he would do everything in his power to make it happen? Counselling is not a big ask.

Totally agree with that one.

bylromarha wrote: »

OP - what was your relationship like before the Butlins trip?

I don't know you, but know that marriages can be saved after mistakes like this if both parties are willing to work on it. Are you? Is he?
.

I think you need to look at that as well, how was your relationship. If everything was honestly hunkydory then he's a plantpot. If you can look and say you both should have worked harder then maybe you can look at it in a differnt light.

hazyjo wrote: »

Really assess your relationship. Not just a case of 'do you think it's repairable' - do you want it back?

People do recover from affairs. My parents did. But if this is your liberating moment where you can start again - grab it by the b*lls. If you still love each other and you feel he's back because he's heartbroken at what an idiot he's been, and he'll do anything to salvage what's left, and he's apologetic (at least!) and willing to discuss it, then go for it.

Don't agree to brush it all under the carpet and carry on because that will be damaging to both you and the relationship.

Jx

Excellent post from hazy jo:T.

My Oh had an affair after 19 years together and because of the circumstances that led up to it and his behaviour afterwards, we made a go of it and had some very happy years together afterwards. When I talk about circumstances, it doesn't in any way condone an affair, resolution to a problem should be through talking, not by jumping the bones of some tramp on a Butlins weekend! Secondly, my OH had what might be called a lightbulb moment when he actually couldn't believe what he had done and that was the point at which we could both move forward. It sounds to me as if your OH hasn't had that moment.

Do whatever you feel is best for you, no matter what anyone else thinks.

FWIW I think that him being out of the house gives you some valuable space and he can stay in the spare room till he truly understands the hurt he has caused.

System

However there relationship has ended and he has advised he still has feelings for me and wants to get back to together but does not want counselling . I do . Who is right??

Well I hardly think he's in the position to lay down rules do you?

He decided he needed space away so told me he was going to somewhere but went to see her 350 miles away . i had already found texts and facebook messages . neither were locked or hidden . He also purchased viagra the day before he stayed in a pre booked hotel.
I confronted him on his return and i told him what i had found out and he was shocked as he thought he would get away with it.

What a vile man.

FatVonD

cookie54 wrote: »

said he wants to stay till at least christmas.

That's big of him.

I think you need to leave him at his mum's for at least 6 months. If you take him back now he'll think he's got away with it and do exactly the same the next time an opportunity presents itself. He clearly has no respect for you and may well come back and resent living the life (with you) that he thought he'd got away from.

Let him stew in his own juices until he knows for sure the grass isn't greener.

*Louise*

There can be hope after an affair if both couples really want things to work.

Unfortunately, reading this thread, it sounds like the husband is only crawling back because his little fling hasn't worked out and he is now stuck at his mums with no luxuries facing a miserable Christmas. The fact he has only asked to stay until at least Christmas speaks volumes I'm afraid. There's very little to show he actually wants to work at the marriage for anything other than a more comfortable life, otherwise he would do anything (including counselling) to prove himself.

I agree with the previous poser who said let him stew a while. If, after Christmas he is keen to try and sort things out, then it might be worth a try if that's what you want as well OP

ahja

It sounds like he doesn't want to own the responsibility of what he did. Wanting to push it under the carpet in the hope everything is rosy and he won't have to face any repercussions. He knows it will be painful to acknowledge and fully take on board his actions, but unless he does you gain no closure and he can justify what he did.

YOU decide what you want, and then tell him - no ifs or buts and keep to it - that will tell him where he stands and what he has to do - that is your choice - his choice is whether he accepts - if you want counselling then tell him it is that or the highway - when you come from a position of strength he will see it!

Bazey

I'd leave him. There's loads of people out there who would treat you better and not cheat.

Have you thought about getting yourself a toyboy?

System

Bazey wrote: »

Have you thought about getting yourself a toyboy?

Is that your answer to everything?;)

Bazey

I think it's been proven time and time again that I always offer sensible, impartial and helpful relationship advice.

Money_maker

pukkamum wrote: »

My friend went througha very similar situation 8 yrs ago they got back together and are very happy they worked on it, he did everything he could to regain her trust.
she had complete access to his phone records etc and in turn she agreed not to punish him constantly ie bringing it up in rows etc.
It was hard work but they got there, she refused to give up on him and loved him very much.
it can be done.

Would be nice to hear directly from your friend as its different on the outside looking inside to the inside looking out. Perhaps someone can give a personal perspective on this scenario rather than that of a friend.

BitterAndTwisted

If he's not prepared to crawl over broken glass in order to persuade you to consider taking him back, he's not worth the trouble.

Leave him where he is to stew in his own juice while you decide what you want to happen. To be honest, if he's not prepared to even accept the possibility of counselling in order to convince you of his sincerity then he's not committed to you or to your marriage at the moment.