relationship after affair

aileth

No way, if he had feelings for you and you were so important, he wouldn't have had this 'fling' and I will bet you all the tea in china that if their relationship hadn't of ended he wouldn't have dumped her to come back to you. He has ended up with nothing and is trying to worm his way back into your heart.

Danger, danger, Will Robinson.

paulineb_2

cookie54 wrote: »

we have been married for 17 yrs and together for 19.
Six weeks ago my husband went to butlins with 9 male friends for an adult only weekend and started an affair with a lady from the caravan next door.
During the weekend the other males were aware of the relationship as they were kissing and cuddling and holding hands in front of group.
They exchanged message by facebook and texts . He decided he needed space away so told me he was going to somewhere but went to see her 350 miles away . i had already found texts and facebook messages . neither were locked or hidden . He also purchased viagra the day before he stayed in a pre booked hotel.
I confronted him on his return and i told him what i had found out and he was shocked as he thought he would get away with it.
He did not leave until i chucked him out and his cloths followed in bin bags . However there relationship has ended and he has advised he still has feelings for me and wants to get back to together but does not want counselling . I do . Who is right??

So all his mates knew he was seeing someone behind your back? What a charmer.

fluffnutter

It's all so easy to be black and white and shriek 'kick him out' but you've got to think about what you want for the rest of your life and what makes you happy. If you still want to be with him, then that's your starting point. Personally I think 17 years worth of marriage is worth saving.

Pollycat

fluffnutter wrote: »

Personally I think 17 years worth of marriage is worth saving.

I think 17 years of marriage is worth trying to save.

But only if the cheating husband is truly sorry for what he has done.

And only if the cheated-on wife wants to try to save the marriage.

So far, in the OP's posts, I've read nothing that convinces me of either of those things.

Laurajo_2

There is no right or wrong, and forgive me if I'm reading this wrong, but is he still in touch with this lass?

If so, that would set alarm bells ringing. Whilst I'm all for 'friends' of the opposite gender, he must realise that they are now not just friends, they are ex-lovers and she needs to be out of his life completely.

Is he sorry about the affair - or sorry he got caught?

Speaking as someone who was a child from a marriage where one party had had an affair which I was aware of, it was awful. I spent a lot of time going through my dad's computer and pockets to try and 'make sure' he wasn't up to no good - I was constantly terrified he would leave and it had a massive impact on my behaviour and emotional development....not to mention almost destroying my relationship with both parents.

They divorced pretty soon after I turned eighteen so I felt that they were only together for us kids sake anyway, which led to feelings of guilt on my part and the impression that my parents marriage was a sham.

If you do choose to have him back, could you maybe go on a few 'date' nights and try and get the spark back before him returning full time? At least you might then get a better idea of whether he wants to come back because he's truly sorry and remorseful about hurting you or if it's just because he'd prefer family life and a nice home to living back at his mums.

tinkerbell28

I agree with pollycat. I do sometimes think people just cheat without realising what they've got into, an opportunist cheat if you like.

But for it to work they've got to learn from it and why they did it.

The fact he only wants op back due to the relationship breaking down as the mistress is focussing on her marriage. Doesn't bode well.

The time for him to fight for his marriage, was when op kicked him out. He could've gone to his Mum's, shown her over time how sorry he was. But he didn't he skulked off with her.

He's only now returning to the op when he realised his domestic and sexual needs were not being met and he was on his own back living with his Mum. That doesn't look good for the long term happiness of op.

Not to mention her asking for counselling isn't unreasonable, he should be prepared to go through hell and high water if he really realises he loves op after the way he treated her.

He won't even consider counselling, so he can;t be that bothered about winning her back, but he showed that by going off after being kicked out.

That's not to mention he obviously mixes with people who find it socially acceptable, so doesn't it look good.

Oh and he's STILL in touch with her.

geri1965_2

I thin you've had some good advice here OP. Does he want to come back because he loves you, he misses you and he realises he has made a terrible mistake, or does he want to come back because he is stuck in a small room and the woman he wanted to be with has dumped him?

I think you need to talk to him to find out which.

duchy

He wants to come back til Christmas ?

Because he doesn't have Sky in the box room at his Mums or because he needs another payday to afford a deposit on somewhere with Sky to live ?

Sorry .....if he comes back it should be after you've both talked properly and if you both want to rebuild your relationship not because it suits him til Christmas.

The fact Sky tv is even a concern amazes me..

Pollycat

geri1965 wrote: »

Does he want to come back because he loves you, he misses you and he realises he has made a terrible mistake, or does he want to come back because he is stuck in a small room and the woman he wanted to be with has dumped him?

I think you need to talk to him to find out which.

I think the above are very good questions, but from this it looks like the OP has doubts about his sincerity:

cookie54 wrote: »

I think he misses the kids and said he wants to stay till at least christmas.. I |think he wants to be near kids not me.........

Kathy535

OP - do you feel that he realises how much he has hurt you? Do you believe he is genuinely sorry that he did what he did and would do anything to be with you again? Has he examined his reasons for doing what he did and is he taking steps to make sure he doesn't find himself in a similar position again? Has he given you the chance to express how he made you feel, listened to you and taken on board what you said?

If he has, then your relationship still has a lot going for it. If he hasn't then you might want to think about whether he is committed to you and thinking of what's best for you both or whether he is thinking more of himself.

And there's no reason why you can't go to counselling alone btw, it might help you come to some decisions. Having said that, I agree with the poster who said that if he is truly sorry he'd be doing anything you asked.