relationship after affair

duchy

He has advised ?

Has he apologised ?
Has he talked honestly about why it happened?

Has he offered any assurances it won't happen again ?

cookie54

we have 2 kids aged 13 and 18

he is 44 and i am 39. He lost his dad 10 years ago and i lost both my parents 21 years ago. Due to this we have no money problems .He has had the same job all his life and works shift, I am the only person he has slept with up until now.
He claims he only did it because he liked the attention she gave him. I am quite a big girl and she was my size and very loud and blubbly according to him. I have seen her facebook and twitter pages and she looked older then she was.
She was unhappy married but they are working on it now..

cookie54

I turned into miss marple and have all his phone details and her family details and her emails and twitter , I emailed and twittered her a week
after it happened and she call him and he tried to get me to speak to her by ring the house phone and him being on mobile.I walked out of house and refused.

During the last few weeks he has only given information when i have caught him out. He locked his phone and went on whats app . My 13 yr old caught him chatting to her .. I saw his password and looked on phone. She had been sending pictures of her family and food. this was after it had ended and in his world they were friends.
He is at his mums in the small room with no tv and sky etc. He wants to come back and work on it. I think he misses the kids and said he wants to stay till at least christmas.. I |think he wants to be near kids not me.........

gravitytolls

Person_one wrote: »

I think the bolded is pretty important here. Does he only want to come back because he's got nowhere else to go?

Personally, I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone who had treated me with such utter contempt. How have things been since he's been gone?

I agree. This screams out at me as the major impediment to recovery.

There's no right or wrong answer here, folk make mistakes, and yes I can even see this situation as a mistake, but.....

What does your instinct tell you? He said he has 'feelings' for you, has he ever said he loves you and is desperately sorry and knows he's a fool?

Perhaps counselling on your own would be worth considering, just to aid you in thinking with a clear head.

Personally I think the most important thing right now is not to rush a decision, but really take the time to consider how YOU feel.

FBaby

Poor you, going from a happy family life without any reason to suspect any of it was in question to having to wonder whether you should take your husband back.

It sounds to me like he is going through the typical 'mid-life crisis', looking at his life and getting anxious that that's what his life will be for the rest of his days. What you need to assess is whether he still very much loves you and is happy, just goingt through some personal crisis that he just needs to get over with (like some sort of illness). For that, he would need to open up to you, talk talk and talk. When this happens, and the couple can communicate through it, it can make their relationship stronger, like a new start.

However, it might be that the affair was just the outcome of him being dissatisfied with his life and having fallen out of love for you, however, without another woman's arms to go straight to, he realises that life alone is even more blick and therefore just wants to come back to you until he can find another woman to take him away.

I would absolutely refuse him coming back until you could be way into communicating and re-assess your relationship, whether it is via counselling, or on your own.

cynicalgit_2

In the words of a song sometimes people don't know what they've got until it's gone.
Counselling by yourself would certainly be a good first step you might be surprised what issues are raised.
I'm sorry you lost both your parents at such an early age, that must have been very traumatic.

Pollycat

cookie54 wrote: »

However there relationship has ended and he has advised he still has feelings for me and wants to get back to together but does not want counselling . I do . Who is right??

TBH OP, I find your question quite strange.

As others have already said, it's not a case of whether you should get counselling or not.

Do you think you can ever trust him again?
Do you want to give him a second chance?

I too think he's treated you shamefully.
Are the male friends aquaintances of yours too?
If they are, how will you feel facing them (and possibly their wives) when they know what's happened?
And even your 13 year old daughter knows what he's done - Jeez.

Forgiving an affair is bad enough when nobody else but the 2 of you are aware it happened.
But going about your daily life when lots of other people know your OH has acted like a total s**t is something else entirely.

Nowhere in your posts have you said whether he's sorry or not.
That may just be an omission on your part but if he hasn't apologised, that speaks volumes.

I would be very suspicious that he wants to come home after this affair has finished.

Prothet_of_Doom

From a Bloke's point of view.

If I did that I'd expect to be living on my own, and expect that my family and friends would have difficulty having any sympathy, and I'm not sure that my wife wouldn't in fact kill me.

No. I'm actually sure she'd kill me.

Don't take him back. Simple.

Tamsin_Temrin

If you are okay being second best and the fall back until someone better comes along, take him back.

If he really really really wanted to be back counselling wouldn't be a problem. He would be crawling over broken glass and hot coals for the chance.

Good luck. You deserve better. You sound a lot nicer than me.

(bet he is hanging on as 'friend' with her until he can get his leg over again)

DigForVictory

If my husband pulled that stunt on me, I'd do *exactly* as you have done - kick him out.

I hope we've raised our sons to accept that as reasonable. Of course they'd miss him, but some behaviour is not acceptable.

Right now, you can insist on counselling.
He has whatever you're willing to give him to stand on.

Family lawyer can advise on what rights he has to access to your children, but the 13 year old is old enough to tell him to get stood on & he's required by law to take that.

Whose is the house? As that will be the first major money problem as a consequence of this.

In the midst of all this pain, you have to grin at Prothet of Doom - who has a very clear grasp on what at least one bloke means by his marriage vows.