relationship after affair

pearl123

cookie54 wrote: »

My 13 yr old caught him chatting to her .

Dreadful.......
And he thinks he can get away without counselling. I think he needs to eat an awful lot of humble pie.

Up until he had this relationship with this other women was he a decent partner? Did he treat you well?

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

It's all so easy to be black and white and shriek 'kick him out' but you've got to think about what you want for the rest of your life and what makes you happy. If you still want to be with him, then that's your starting point. Personally I think 17 years worth of marriage is worth saving.

I think 17 years of marriage should mean not throwing it all away for a dirty weekend at soddin' Butlins!

tinkerbell28

Person_one wrote: »

I think 17 years of marriage should mean not throwing it all away for a dirty weekend at soddin' Butlins!

This is true it's all a bit tacky.

But she can't do it all her self.

If he's only coming back as he wants sky tv, wants a nice house at Christmas with his kids and his mistress has dumped him.

I don't see anything worth saving really

claire16c

Sorry OP but asking who is in the right and him complaining about sky tv, you are about to become a doormat if you let him back in after that.

If there's any reconciliation to be made, there's no reason why it can't be done after counselling, living apart & doing a lot of talking, if you are happy. But moving back in just because it's Christmas soon and he hasn't got the telly he likes is a joke.

meames_2

I think the OP has made up her mind, nowhere has she said she wants to try, just should she give it a try. Because it is expected. personally, I thinks it sounds like she is glad he is gone!

bylromarha

OP - what was your relationship like before the Butlins trip?

I don't know you, but know that marriages can be saved after mistakes like this if both parties are willing to work on it. Are you? Is he?

Affairs often happen due to 1 or more years of couples not working hard on making their relationship happen, taking it for granted as its always been there. The affair comes as a result of a relationship which hasn't been looked after.

The fact that his mates let him kiss and cuddle this women in front of them suggests they knew something wasn't working in your marriage. Have you been slowly growing apart over the years? Have you been putting each other down in public? Have you been having lots of honest conversations together about your lives?

This may come across as pointing the finger at you - I truly don't mean that as there is never a reason to do what your OP did and I'm so sorry that it has happened - but affairs are often symptomatic of a prior relationship breakdown rather than a spur of the moment thing.

I'd continue to push for counselling with him and say it's a non negotiable to get back together. An outsiders viewpoint will be needed to help you regain the trust which has been lost. If he continues to refuse, then he is showing at the first hurdle he isn't willing to put in the hard work he needs to rebuild the relationship.

All the best.

Person_one

bylromarha wrote: »

Affairs often happen due to 1 or more years of couples not working hard on making their relationship happen, taking it for granted as its always been there. The affair comes as a result of a relationship which hasn't been looked after.

Absolute tosh.

Affairs happen because somebody chooses to disregard their relationship and their spouse and sleep with someone else. Claiming that its the inevitable result of a failing or struggling relationship clears them of responsibility for their hurtful and selfish actions.

If things aren't working out, there are lots of reasonable actions that can be taken to either improve things or to end the relationship in a civilised way.

Shagging the lass in the next caravan along is not one of them.

pearl123

cookie54 wrote: »

I think he misses the kids and said he wants to stay till at least Christmas.

You say 'he wants to stay till a least Christmas'. Does he want to get back full time, or just for Christmas? It is a bit confusing.

tinkerbell28

bylromarha wrote: »

OP - what was your relationship like before the Butlins trip?

I don't know you, but know that marriages can be saved after mistakes like this if both parties are willing to work on it. Are you? Is he?

Affairs often happen due to 1 or more years of couples not working hard on making their relationship happen, taking it for granted as its always been there. The affair comes as a result of a relationship which hasn't been looked after.

The fact that his mates let him kiss and cuddle this women in front of them suggests they knew something wasn't working in your marriage. Have you been slowly growing apart over the years? Have you been putting each other down in public? Have you been having lots of honest conversations together about your lives?

This may come across as pointing the finger at you - I truly don't mean that as there is never a reason to do what your OP did and I'm so sorry that it has happened - but affairs are often symptomatic of a prior relationship breakdown rather than a spur of the moment thing.

I'd continue to push for counselling with him and say it's a non negotiable to get back together. An outsiders viewpoint will be needed to help you regain the trust which has been lost. If he continues to refuse, then he is showing at the first hurdle he isn't willing to put in the hard work he needs to rebuild the relationship.

All the best.

Or mad suggestion I know, but there may have been nothing wrong.

Him and his mates could be the type "what goes on tour stays on tour". Lads will be lads type on holidays.

But being a bit self absorbed mistook the rampant sex..... you can have in a Butlins caravan as love.

pearl123

meames wrote: »

I think the OP has made up her mind, nowhere has she said she wants to try, just should she give it a try. Because it is expected. personally, I thinks it sounds like she is glad he is gone!

I gained no impression that she had made up her mind yet. Silence on the subject could mean that she is undecided.