relationship after affair

cookie54

we have been married for 17 yrs and together for 19.
Six weeks ago my husband went to butlins with 9 male friends for an adult only weekend and started an affair with a lady from the caravan next door.
During the weekend the other males were aware of the relationship as they were kissing and cuddling and holding hands in front of group.
They exchanged message by facebook and texts . He decided he needed space away so told me he was going to somewhere but went to see her 350 miles away . i had already found texts and facebook messages . neither were locked or hidden . He also purchased viagra the day before he stayed in a pre booked hotel.
I confronted him on his return and i told him what i had found out and he was shocked as he thought he would get away with it.
He did not leave until i chucked him out and his cloths followed in bin bags . However there relationship has ended and he has advised he still has feelings for me and wants to get back to together but does not want counselling . I do . Who is right??

krlyr

It's a decision only you can make. However, I would consider if you could ever really trust him - would you forever have that niggling doubt about it happening again?

Tiddlywinks

There is no right or wrong here... it's what you can live with that's important.

What do you want to happen?

whitewing

You don't necessarily need counselling but you maybe need some long heart to hearts that may be painful and honest to both of you.

Person_one

cookie54 wrote: »

we have been married for 17 yrs and together for 19.
Six weeks ago my husband went to butlins with 9 male friends for an adult only weekend and started an affair with a lady from the caravan next door.
During the weekend the other males were aware of the relationship as they were kissing and cuddling and holding hands in front of group.
They exchanged message by facebook and texts . He decided he needed space away so told me he was going to somewhere but went to see her 350 miles away . i had already found texts and facebook messages . neither were locked or hidden . He also purchased viagra the day before he stayed in a pre booked hotel.
I confronted him on his return and i told him what i had found out and he was shocked as he thought he would get away with it.
He did not leave until i chucked him out and his cloths followed in bin bags . However there relationship has ended and he has advised he still has feelings for me and wants to get back to together but does not want counselling . I do . Who is right??

I think the bolded is pretty important here. Does he only want to come back because he's got nowhere else to go?

Personally, I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone who had treated me with such utter contempt. How have things been since he's been gone?

arbroath_lass

If he really wants to be with you surely he would do everything in his power to make it happen? Counselling is not a big ask.

Rev

Will counselling rebuild the trust?

Will it mean you won't be paranoid every time be leaves the house?

What if this time next year he decided he's going on another boys only trip? Will you be okay with that? Obviously his friends aren't going to be his conscious.

If the answer is no to any of those then is it really worth saving the relationship?

You can love someone with everything you have but if you can't trust them you deserve better.

monty-doggy

I'm really sorry for what happened to you.

Only you can decide what's right but just ask yourself, if he can't be bothered with counselling then where is his fight to save this relationship?

Also why did the affair end? Is he only back because it ended or did he end it to come back?

marisco_2

This may not be what you want to hear but my advice is cut your losses and run. Your husband has treated you with total contempt and shown a nasty level of arrogance whilst having this affair. Could you really ever trust him again or feel truly happy and secure?

pearl123

Just tell him that if he want's to get back with you then he'll have to go to counselling. You need to call the shots. He can't have it all his way.

I would also add that he's treated you dreadfully and I'm so sorry. Follow your heart. Make sure that he is being sincere if you get back with him.

cynicalgit_2

Typical bloke thinking through their d**k, I guess it's down to what you want and the trust issue really.
Have you children together? Is this some " mid life crisis"?
Has he or you experienced any bereavement recently?