relationship after affair

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

Absolute tosh.

Affairs happen because somebody chooses to disregard their relationship and their spouse and sleep with someone else. Claiming that its the inevitable result of a failing or struggling relationship clears them of responsibility for their hurtful and selfish actions.

If things aren't working out, there are lots of reasonable actions that can be taken to either improve things or to end the relationship in a civilised way.

Shagging the lass in the next caravan along is not one of them.

I'd like to 'Thank' this post ^^^^^ more than once. :T

bylromarha wrote: »

The fact that his mates let him kiss and cuddle this women in front of them suggests they knew something wasn't working in your marriage.

There is no evidence that this cheater's mates 'let' him kiss & cuddle this woman.

cookie54 wrote: »

During the weekend the other males were aware of the relationship as they were kissing and cuddling and holding hands in front of group.

His mates were aware of it happening. That's not the same as condoning it.

And it certainly doesn't suggest (at least not to me) that they knew something was wrong in the marriage.
In fact, it doesn't even suggest to me that there actually was anything wrong in the marriage.

Nothing the OP has posted so far suggests that there was anything wrong with the relationship until he went off to Butlins and found he couldn't keep his d**k in his trousers.

Person_one

You know, if you can't take your relationship for granted a bit after nearly 20 years and 2 children, then what's the flippin' point in the first place?

By that stage, really, shouldn't you be able to take fidelity for granted, to be able to relax with each other without feeling that there's a constant pressure to impress each other?

cynicalgit_2

The other woman couldn't have been that impressed if he had to use viagra.
Presumably he told his wife he took it to stop him rolling out of the bunk in the caravan.

DS4215

Its entirely down to you whether you can give him another chance or not, but personally I wouldn't even consider letting him move back in until hes had the full range of STI tests coming back clear and you've had chance to try for counselling - even if you go by yourself. Find out what you want, and if you want to try again with him take it slow - like dating.

Don't just let him move back in until you are sure you want him to.

bylromarha

Person_one wrote: »

You know, if you can't take your relationship for granted a bit after nearly 20 years and 2 children, then what's the flippin' point in the first place?

By that stage, really, shouldn't you be able to take fidelity for granted, to be able to relax with each other without feeling that there's a constant pressure to impress each other?

I'm not talking about impressing each other, I'm talking about spending time together. Being honest and open. Sharing life. Having fun.

I've watched a fair few couples around the 15 years mark fall apart as they took the other for granted as they'd been together so long, and when you probed a little deeper, they couldn't remember the last time they'd been out together, or laughed together, or had fun together. Life had settled into work, eat, sleep and do it all again.

Every relationship needs work through the years. You're crazy if you think otherwise.

No one except the OP and her husband know the state of their marriage prior to his affair, but suggesting that the OP looks at how things were before this will move them forward in their lives.

hazyjo

cynicalgit wrote: »

The other woman couldn't have been that impressed if he had to use viagra.
Presumably he told his wife he took it to stop him rolling out of the bunk in the caravan.

I doubt he told her! Not like he needed her to adminster it... Just wanted to 'impress' no doubt.

OP, as someone pretty much said above, now is the time to reflect. This is your get-out card if you look back and honestly know you could be happier. Really assess your relationship. Not just a case of 'do you think it's repairable' - do you want it back?

People do recover from affairs. My parents did. But if this is your liberating moment where you can start again - grab it by the b*lls. If you still love each other and you feel he's back because he's heartbroken at what an idiot he's been, and he'll do anything to salvage what's left, and he's apologetic (at least!) and willing to discuss it, then go for it.

Don't agree to brush it all under the carpet and carry on because that will be damaging to both you and the relationship.

Jx

bylromarha

Person_one wrote: »

Absolute tosh.

Affairs happen because somebody chooses to disregard their relationship and their spouse and sleep with someone else. Claiming that its the inevitable result of a failing or struggling relationship clears them of responsibility for their hurtful and selfish actions.

If things aren't working out, there are lots of reasonable actions that can be taken to either improve things or to end the relationship in a civilised way.

Shagging the lass in the next caravan along is not one of them.

If you re-read my post, I never said it was inevitable that someone has an affair. Nor did I say it was acceptable. I agree it was a choice that her hubby made, and completely the wrong one.

I'm sorry if that OP read that I was blaming her for his actions - I wasn't in the slightest.

pukkamum

My friend went througha very similar situation 8 yrs ago they got back together and are very happy they worked on it, he did everything he could to regain her trust.
she had complete access to his phone records etc and in turn she agreed not to punish him constantly ie bringing it up in rows etc.
It was hard work but they got there, she refused to give up on him and loved him very much.
it can be done.

FBaby

bylromarha wrote: »

I'm not talking about impressing each other, I'm talking about spending time together. Being honest and open. Sharing life. Having fun.

I've watched a fair few couples around the 15 years mark fall apart as they took the other for granted as they'd been together so long, and when you probed a little deeper, they couldn't remember the last time they'd been out together, or laughed together, or had fun together. Life had settled into work, eat, sleep and do it all again.

Every relationship needs work through the years. You're crazy if you think otherwise.

No one except the OP and her husband know the state of their marriage prior to his affair, but suggesting that the OP looks at how things were before this will move them forward in their lives.

I totally agree with that. Being married is not a licence to make no more effort because you signed a piece of paper. People are human and if your wonderful spouse turns into an alien you don't have to accept that is the way our will be for the next x years. Saying that efforts are on both sides.

pearl123

bylromarha wrote: »

The fact that his mates let him kiss and cuddle this women in front of them suggests they knew something wasn't working in your marriage.

That's a ridiculous statement.
What people do is nobodies business but their own, which is probably why they did not intercede. Adults on a male break!