What a mess - happy anniversary, do i need a divorce??

jetplane

It doesn't really matter what the content is whether its sex, drugs, alcohol, debt etc. It is the lying, deceit and the lack of respect that causes so much damage. Of course he is full of remorse but so is a child who is told they cant have a treat because they have been naughty. They soon forget and so will he.

I would be very surprised if he had only done this sort of thing 3 times during your relationship. He has been caught out 3 times, yes, but based on the law of averages he has done it a whole lot more.

What would I do? If I were in that situation I would make him leave, grieve for the good bits of my marriage but breathe with relief that I would not have to live with his deceit.

That's easier said than done, I haven't walked in your shoes and won't have to live with your decision.

Good Luck

Jinx

duchy wrote: »

I disagree -there is always a choice.

People make mistakes and it appears Mr Jinx has made a LOT but it is how they handle things now. Not texts, not jumping on a forum post but sitting down face to face and complete honesty-get everything out. On both sides -clear the air of ALL resentments and then once the anger and hurt is all out there and then see what is left. Enough to make a fresh start (or even that possibility in the future) ...or not.

Even at this point they both have choices but more than anything else both need to stop sodding about with texts and talk properly to each other face to face.

Good luck you two !

You all talk so much sense

The 'sodding about with texts' is because he is currently away and Im too upset to be calm enough to discuss on the phone. The posting is for my own benefit and I am really grateful to those who post their opinions.

I cant really do anything at the moment until hes home to [STRIKE]throw things at [/STRIKE]discuss things with.

But now Im a little bit calmer and have talked things through in real life with my friend I realise I don't have to make any immediate decisions anyway, there isn't a time limit and in this case I want to be 100% that I'm making the right decision for me.

My logic says go, itll happen again. My emotional side says stay, all can be worked out if you both want to. Even if I decide to stay there is nothing to stop me leaving if I find I cant live with the situation.

jackieblack

Jinx wrote: »

You all talk so much sense

The 'sodding about with texts' is because he is currently away and Im too upset to be calm enough to discuss on the phone. The posting is for my own benefit and I am really grateful to those who post their opinions.

I cant really do anything at the moment until hes home to [STRIKE]throw things at [/STRIKE]discuss things with.

But now Im a little bit calmer and have talked things through in real life with my friend I realise I don't have to make any immediate decisions anyway, there isn't a time limit and in this case I want to be 100% that I'm making the right decision for me.

My logic says go, itll happen again. My emotional side says stay, all can be worked out if you both want to. Even if I decide to stay there is nothing to stop me leaving if I find I cant live with the situation.

You certainly sound a lot calmer today
It's good that you have a real life friend that you can confide in and discuss things with.
You are quite correct, you don't need to make any immediate decisions. Decisions made 'in the heat of the moment' seem to often be regretted later. Better that any decisions are made calmly and after you've had time to process, discuss and assess things properly.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do

tinkerbell28

Mojisola wrote: »

In Jinx's situation, I would be getting checked for STIs.

If he's been happy to use sites like that at home, what's he been doing while working away?

Agree.........

duchy

It's amazing a difference 24 hours make even in that short time that sheer white hot fury is replaced with a colder anger and you can start to think a bit more clearly . Good luck this weekend Jinks xx

poet123

Use the alone time to think through various options. You are in control now, don't rush into making a decision you cannot live with.

duchy

jetplane wrote: »

It doesn't really matter what the content is whether its sex, drugs, alcohol, debt etc. It is the lying, deceit and the lack of respect that causes so much damage. Of course he is full of remorse but so is a child who is told they cant have a treat because they have been naughty. They soon forget and so will he.

I would be very surprised if he had only done this sort of thing 3 times during your relationship. He has been caught out 3 times, yes, but based on the law of averages he has done it a whole lot more.
.

Good Luck

Or jinxes may be very good at picking up the signs even subconsciously and it could be three (not that three is ok)
If he says he loves you and doesn't know why he does it .....would he go to counseling Jinx?

Jinx

So a wee update for the thread:

Hubby came home unexpectedly last night.

As I expected hes contrite, mortified, apologetic and definitely doesn't want us to split while knowing that he doesn't get a say on that score now. He suggested we (or he alone) go for marriage counselling. And the views of the MSE peeps hit home very well - thank you all for the input.

We've talked a lot last night and this morning. I impressed myself by being pretty calm and certainly made all my feelings known. I have spelled out how attractive being single and living alone is looking at the moment.

So the upshot is no concrete decisions have been made. He goes away for a few weeks and we will see where I am when he gets back. Divorce is definitely still an option as is trying to work it out with the proviso it just might not. The only real agreement is we will keep the situation to ourselves until a firm decision is made.

I am sure a lot of people will think I am a mug to even consider staying or working through this but I am determined to make a considered decision. At least then if I do walk away I will know its totally the right thing for me.

victory

Jinx wrote: »

So a wee update for the thread:

Hubby came home unexpectedly last night.

As I expected hes contrite, mortified, apologetic and definitely doesn't want us to split while knowing that he doesn't get a say on that score now. He suggested we (or he alone) go for marriage counselling. And the views of the MSE peeps hit home very well - thank you all for the input.

We've talked a lot last night and this morning. I impressed myself by being pretty calm and certainly made all my feelings known. I have spelled out how attractive being single and living alone is looking at the moment.

So the upshot is no concrete decisions have been made. He goes away for a few weeks and we will see where I am when he gets back. Divorce is definitely still an option as is trying to work it out with the proviso it just might not. The only real agreement is we will keep the situation to ourselves until a firm decision is made.

I am sure a lot of people will think I am a mug to even consider staying or working through this but I am determined to make a considered decision. At least then if I do walk away I will know its totally the right thing for me.

I don't think you are a mug.

A decision does not have to be made immediately, let the dust settle, get over the anger, get all your feelings out, then and only then calmly sit back, have a think and do only what is best for you:)

duchy

You don't sound like a mug. Too many people act in anger and haste when a marriage is rocked.

I wish you luck in working out what is best for you.