What a mess - happy anniversary, do i need a divorce??

Jinx

So normally for this kinda stuff people go anon - well im not - if my hubby sees it then that's his look out....

I don't know where to start.....

Its my 4th wedding anniversary today, been together over 8 years and met online dating. Im heartbroken so the below may not make a lot of sense.....

In the past before we married my hubby joined an adult dating site 'out of curiosity' and I chose to believe he hadn't actually met or messaged anyone - no evidence of it. There was hell to pay and we stayed together.

Roll on a few years and we have a major falling out when I discover completely by accident that hes flirty texting an ex, again no meet up (miles apart) and it wasn't that he was texting that was the issue it was the secrecy and lieing. Told him that was strike 2, it better not get to 3 or that's it.

So if you are still reading - well done - we were both online on Tues night and he started to save a pic on his laptop of a car to use as a screensaver. It saves to a c.temp file and I saw a womans picture - asked who it was - he said he didn't know, didn't download it. Its a newish laptop and his alone as I have my own. I wasn't happy and didn't believe him.

So after he went to bed I went snooping through his laptop - wouldn't normally but then this isn't normal! Anyway as well as this pic found a body shot, not sure if the same woman. Asked him again on the wed morn who the woman is, he still denies knowing who it is. I go to work and he goes down south to work.

Today ive been gutted, imagining hes having an affair with this woman (who btw looks a bit like me) though I cant find any evidence of it. He came home today for a change of clothes etc and TEXT me at work to tell me hed been home and was away again. Oh and another text saying the pics are from a livecam p**n site. Now I don't mind !!!!!! but this is interactive style (having just seen it) I am devastated. Ive called him and shouted at him over the phone and actually just broken the house phone by banging it off the wall (not smart huh) I just cant tie up the image of my husband getting off to a live stranger down an internet connection.

I am in a state of shock, I really really really want to hit him - not that hes here and I am about to shred the anniversary cards his family kindly sent us. Upset, angry - dunno where my head is at.

What would you do?

Jinx x

paulineb_2

Im not sure but alarm bells would have been ringing after he joined an adult dating site before you got married.

hgotsparkle

If my OH was continually keeping secrets and feeling the need to look at another woman, then I'd be gone.

He's gone behind your back before (though not having physically done anything) but still, thats cheating in my book.


If the person you're with has the ability to lie to you, then theres no trust and you clearly have no trust for him.

Jinx

They did ring after that and I know it always sounds like excuses but there was no evidence of chatting or meeting anyone - and I went through EVERYTHING. Of course it may have been different if I hadn't found out (cant remember how I found out, cos im not a snooper but not naïve either - 2nd marriage, im 40)

tinkerbell28

Hmm he sounds the type who just can't help interactive, distance type relationships with others.

The online adult dating sites, the flirty ex text, the interactive camming.

Everyone is different, if you see that as cheating, I would then you know what to do, (not hitting him) he won't change it's been 3 times. It maybe the tip of the iceberg.

Some people only see actual sex as cheating, I don't think you're in that camp. I also reckon those who are interactive types and can;t help themselves end up progressing onto a live encounter anyway.

I would've said give him the benefit of the doubt over the files, but now he's admitted it is from a live camming site...hmm

Those types tend to be the ones who get stuck in affairs "online" join adult dating sites and all that, like he has.

At the end of the day, !!!!!! is one thing IMO. But getting all, can you do this for me, that for me, and the human interaction. Well to me it would be no different if he struck up a relationship with someone on a forum. The fact he probably pays for it would make it worse IMO.

Jinx

hgotsparkle wrote: »

If my OH was continually keeping secrets and feeling the need to look at another woman, then I'd be gone.

He's gone behind your back before (though not having physically done anything) but still, thats cheating in my book.


If the person you're with has the ability to lie to you, then theres no trust and you clearly have no trust for him.

Its def the trust issue for me, he works away a lot. If it was just !!!!!! then fair enough, but interaction is a WHOLE different ballgame in my book

Jinx

Tinkerbell you are right, I can live with !!!!!! but not interactive - its a whole other level.

And I might have given him the benefit over the files had the laptop not been a few months old and only accessed by him. Plus the woman looks like me (ish) and not a !!!!!! star so I knew she wasn't a pro.

Oh and its a free site, hes too tight to pay for it!

tinkerbell28

Jinx wrote: »

Tinkerbell you are right, I can live with !!!!!! but not interactive - its a whole other level.

The thing is, especially as he works away a lot. The type that join adult dating sites, live camming sites, more often than not end up using prostitution and casual meets. As they don't get the hit they used to do off text affairs or forum things, so it goes onto interactive !!!!!!, camming with anyone who will, even people they meet on dating sites, then it goes up to a meet.

I'm not saying he will BUT from what I've seen it does follow suit.

Your huge alarm bell was before you got married.

Most interactive sites aren't free.....just so you know.

Retrogamer

Cheating in my books isn't only the act, it's the reasons for the act and the dishonesty part that always gets to me.

Is he generally dishonest with other stuff, or with other people?

Whatever you do, don't resort to domestic violence.
Don't shred the family cards either, as it's not their fault.

Does he understand why you're angry, or is he still trying to defend his position?
I've always noticed that people that feel bad / guilty / sorry don't usually tend to defend their position, especially if it's around dishonesty.

It's not easy to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't / can't trust.

Jinx

This site is free, I had a look when I got home (not that it matters either way)

In every other way he is open, honest, nice guy. No-one would expect this. In fact the one person I have shared with was completely gobsmacked at the whole thing.

He sent me a text saying he was sorry he hurt me and he doesn't expect I will forgive him this time. When I called him he didn't get much of a chance at defense (is there any) as I was shouting at him.

No, not defending his position.

jackieblack

hgotsparkle wrote: »

If my OH was continually keeping secrets and feeling the need to look at another woman, then I'd be gone.

He's gone behind your back before (though not having physically done anything) but still, thats cheating in my book.


If the person you're with has the ability to lie to you, then theres no trust and you clearly have no trust for him.

Exactly this ^^^^^^^