What a mess - happy anniversary, do i need a divorce??

Retrogamer

I never understand these kinds of people. They know that if they do these things, it will hurt the person they love, it's selfish and it might cost them the relationship yet they still do it.

They only seem to ever regret doing these things once they have been caught. If he had came pleading to you, apologising on his own before you had to catch him out then maybe he'd have the capacity to change

By the sounds of things, if you somehow did get through this you'd either never be able to trust him fully again, or he'd do it again.

aileth

Ah now he is wallowing in regret, but give him a week and a laptop and hell be back on there.

I totally agree with you. !!!!!! and live cam is totally and completely different, !!!!!! is disconnected whereas the live cam is too connected and 'real'.

If he's got to three strikes after being told how you feel, there will be a fourth, a fifth, a sixth.... Ad infinitum

Jinx

Apparently he feels sick with guilt and he cant describe how it feels to hear me cry knowing he caused it....

He should try it from this side....Im a mess.

I know what you are all saying makes perfect sense, Im just struggling to apply sense to the situation. I love him so much and hadn't planned on giving him up

bagpussbear

I'm sorry to hear you've had this shock. I'd be fuming and very sad too. It's hard to let go of a marriage when all other aspects are good.

Well the fact of the matter is he likes to look at online women (seems you can get past that), but goes one step further by interacting with them which takes the situation into a way different and worrying scenario. I guess you feel it's cheating and not much different than him seeing someone behind your back in 'real life'. It could be this photo is of someone he had met, but he could have also formed an 'attachment' to one of his favourite internet ladies?

So what would I do - well personally I would find that intolerable and I think I would have to call it a day.

As others have already pointed out, that was a bad sign that he joined an online site early on in your relationship, when you are in the heady heights of true love and passionate regular intimacy, what was his need to look elsewhere too?

He lies to you, says sorry, and does it again, says sorry, does it again. He appears to put his need for online women ahead of his real life relationship time and time again. I think your life will be a constant cycle of this I'm sorry to say.

He sounds a bit of a fantasist, would you agree?

Does he want to still be with you? would he consider marriage counselling (if that's something you would consider?)

I feel bad for you OP, so hard to end a relationship when you love someone.

[Deleted User]

Now, i wonder if he's a bit addicted to 'the chase'. I remember I quite enjoyed the 'chatting' element of online dating. Even when I was going out with my girlfriend, i might still 'browse' (We had met through the site; now married 5 years with two great little boys). I quickly learnt this was stupid, and self-destructive - so delete my accounts.

It's likely this is a bit of an addition, so he needs to own up completely, block himself from these sites (e.g. create an account with OpenDNS, then block all dating sites etc.)

Maybe that's the only way you can turn back time

jackieblack

Jinx wrote: »

Apparently he feels sick with guilt and he cant describe how it feels to hear me cry knowing he caused it....

And so he should

Maybe he does, but maybe he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear..... like he did after the last 2 'strikes' :cool:

duchy

Jinx wrote: »

Only last week we saw both sides of the family, spent a week together, did loads nice things and celebrated my 40th........ !!!!!! the balloons and flowers are still here. All ruined now...........

There's a world of difference (to me) between watching and participating -and until you calm down enough to talk to him calmly you're not going to find out which it is.

Yes he's let you down and you are hurt and angry and disappointed ...whether that is the end of your marriage depends on what happens next.

You#re a regular poster and know the vast majority will suggest you cut his whatsisits off and throw them out the door - speedily followed by the rest of him...... BUT if you do without talking things through first -will you be haunted by not knowing the whole truth ?

Don't do anything in anger calm down first and get all the facts then decide what next <hugs>

Jinx

jackieblack wrote: »

And so he should

Maybe he does, but maybe he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear..... like he did after the last 2 'strikes' :cool:

Good point well made Jackie. In fact its probably even true, but it doesn't change the fact hes been interacting with other women does it?

Its amazing how its sooo easy to be clear and logical for someone else - if it was a friend Id be saying get shot, its a bit harder in your own situation - or maybe its just too early yet.

Duchy - im in no doubt he was participating.

tinkerbell28

In which case you've got to decide what you class as cheating and whether it's a deal breaker, whether in your eyes, he's done it once, twice, three times.

However getting it all out, talking dirty and to be frank, knocking one out. To me it would matter not one dot if they were in the same bed doing it or over a camera.

The thing is, someone used the word addict. I didn't want to. But men like this, who can't help themselves like a previous poster did by "seeing sense".

Blokes like this are progressive. They start with the texts, emails, flirting, having a chat over dating sites. That's not enough after a while. To get the same thrill they start camming. After a while, that's not enough, meets start.

I have to be honest, the fact he works away too. I wouldn't be thinking you've got the whole story.

Jinx

I class the online interaction as cheating. Watching someone and interacting in a sexual manner on camera is cheating to me.

Watching !!!!!! is not cheating and I could easily live with that especially when hes away.

Maybe Ill never have the whole story........ shrugs I wont ever know will I. Even when he gets home and we can communicate Ill never be 100%

I don't think hes an addict and Id be surprised if he could have a double life over 8 years without me noticing. But that doesn't detract from the lieing, complete disrespect for me and the interation with 'sluts' online.....