My Narcisstic MIL to be

catkins

She sounds a lot like my mother in law. When me and OH got married we hadn't known each other long and I didn't realise just what a nasty woman she is.

I wanted to get married on my birthday which was a weekday and everyone was ok with that except her. She said she wouldn't take a day off work (she did not have an important job). I stupidly changed it to the closest Saturday. Over 30 years later on every birthday I say to OH "this should be our wedding anniversary too". If I could go back in time I would not change it and just say to her "That's the date, you can come or not".

Also we wanted to get married just with immediate family - parents, siblings and then go for a nice meal. Oh no she had a fit at that. We stuck to our guns with the actual wedding with just immediate family but then had a reception for all the relatives we hadn't seen for years. We did enjoy it but it wasn't what we wanted.

We have little to do with her now. I haven't seen her for years and OH hasn't seen her for about 2 years.

Just ignore her and do what you want to do

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Now you are engaged you can use this to draw the line.

Stop answering the door and if you do, put a coat on before you answer it and say 'I was just going out to a meeting', and just walk/drive off.

The wedding 'we are still deciding, thanks for your input' and then just go and book a holiday for you all to 'ibiza/menorca' or somewhere but really...go to Vegas and do it.

The white dress 'oh are you also getting married the same day? Does FIL know?' *surprised face

You really need some long term strategies for managing your responses.

paddy's_mum

I can't quite work out WHY you and your partner haven't put a stop to this years ago!

It's all very well saying that you don't want to hurt her feelings but my question would be - 'what feelings'? She certainly has no love for any of you.

What part of saying 'no' do you both find so hard? I agree 100% with Funky Bold Ribena above. It's time you started managing your own lives!

You owe this woman nothing that hasn't already been paid by your previous tolerance of her misbehaviour, cruel tongue and punishment of everyone who disagrees with her.

ostrichnomore_2

The white lacy dress - honestly I'd just have to laugh. She'll look ridiculous. Everyone will wonder why she thought this a good outfit to wear. It won't reflect badly on you or your wedding at all. It won't detract from the attention you are getting. I expect people will just roll their eyes behind her back. If she wants to look a right pillock, let her.

tatabubbly

Next time she mentions your wedding, seeing as she has some money, I'd say something like 'You know, we are so excited to be getting married. Thank you for taking such a huge interest in our big day, and for footing the bill'...

If she wants a big day, she can pay for it! You should have the wedding you and your OH want xxxxx

rpc

Small ceremony, get friends as witnesses or use registry office staff.

Then take the kids on a lovely holiday.

Don't tell the you've done it, but wear the rings and let her figure it out.

Birdie85

ostrichnomore wrote: »

'7 years on and she still harks on how evil (yes really!) it was that she missed the birth of her Grandchild.' that would drive me nuts. No way would I want even my own mum there at that time. If you could bring yourself to say all this, I bet it would work. Even if you can't bring yourself to do it, think about it next time and it'll make you giggle.
When she starts give a big heavy sigh and say 'look, I know you are desperate to look at my fanny, you keep going on about missing out looking at my fanny, come on then, let's go to the bedroom and I'll show you it now' - she'll say 'no, no'. But you keep harking on and on, stand up start walking towards the stairs 'come on MIL, I'll show you my fanny now, it's what you've always wanted, you obviously love looking at fannies'. And just really keep at it. With any luck she'll think you are a bit nuts and not dare raise it again in case you do actually just whip your bits out.:rotfl:

This is my favourite piece of advice for dealing with MIL's ever! :rotfl:

I agree with everyone else, go ahead and do what you want, when you want to do it as even if you do have the big wedding, there'll be something for her to complain about as she'll never be happy. God, I bet you she'll even want to be there when you're getting ready, she'll be wanting your make-up artist to do her before she does you etc... nightmare!

Whenever she harps on about the big wedding she wants, suggest she has a renewal of vows ceremony since she's so keen on having her big day again. I can't stand Mothers who want to live through their children!

*Louise*

Emiloop wrote: »

Most days I try and ignore her, but she knows I'm in as I work from home and when I try and tell her I'm busy and can I call her later, she just interrupts and starts talking about her. No way does she have a key, she tried to keep one when she had to feed our cat whilst we were away. When I came home I could see she had been through all our cupboards etc- i was furious so questioned her, she didn't deny it she just said she was interested to see where we put all our things!

:eek::eek::eek::eek: I would certainly be finding another cat-sitter! What a cheek. At least you got the key back, and she wasn't awful enough to think about getting a spare one cut :rotfl:

I think the comment about not seeing her grandchild born is horrible and don't know how you have put up with that. Don't know what your local hospital is like, but ours only allows the birth partner in anyway, grandparents wait away from the labour ward. Love ostrichnomores idea about asking if she was desperate to see your bits :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Regarding the wedding - don't talk to her about it. If she brings it up, just say it's on the backburner and you're not planning anything while you're saving up. When you have the money - go and book whatever you and future hubby want. Whether that's Vegas or a small UK wedding, have it all in place before telling her. If she complains remind her its what the two of you want. If she threatens to boycott - then that would be your ideal solution, just smile sweetly and say 'it's a shame you feel that way'

And remember...if she falls out with you - she won't be inclined to visit you every day. Every cloud and all that :T

andygb wrote: »

Do people with NPD seem to argue for the sake of it?

Unfortunately it seems that way. I have a grandmother (mums side) who is NPD and what is worse that the arguing is the sheer nastiness about people behind their backs and the 'me, me me' attitude. I stopped having anything to do with her the day my mum told us she had breast cancer and my grandmother came out with 'oh I had that - my lump was bigger than yours' and proceeded to constantly talk about her treatment from 15 years ago, ignoring her own daughters distress until my mum yelled that it this time it wasn't all about her .:mad: My poor mum still has to deal with her, I can't stand hearing her go on.

meritaten

my N MIL has been dead for some years now - but, her narcissism really impacted on the family. we still feel the effects to this day. I had one strategy for dealing with her when I realised exactly what I was up against - agree, smile sweetly and do whatever I wanted. I knew I would have to deal with the fallout - which I did by smiling sweetly and agreeing with her every word. eventually she would realise how stupid she was sounding and shut up!

kittendothroar

She sounds like my ex MIL, always tried to make you feel bad about everything that she hadn't interfered in. And she might as well have left her toothbrush she was at ours so often!!

ITS YOUR DAY! Don't get married and have the day how SHE wants for her sake - as the OP said, do it, tell her after and she might come around less..with a bit of luck! ;-)