My Narcisstic MIL to be

Emiloop

I have been with my OH for 12 years and we have two children together. Recently he proposed (finally:T) which I am so happy about as we are still very much in love and want to make us 'official'. However, his Mother is the most controlling person I have ever met and has caused many problems throughout our relationship. Examples; she wanted to be at the birth of our first child, we're not exactly close so I didn't feel comfortable about that so we chose not to tell her when I was in labour- 7 years on and she still harks on how evil (yes really!) it was that she missed the birth of her Grandchild. Then came the naming of said child, lets just say all very stressful as it wasn't her chosen name! So on and so on...

It's not just us who suffers her, it's the whole family, her Husband especially, he has left many times and suffered breakdowns. In her mind, she is always right and no one can tell her any different. She's better than everyone- she always puts me and my family down and generally makes me feel like crap. I now realise she ticks all the boxes for NPD so this helps me to not 'bite back' anymore as she really does have a mental disorder and it's not her fault.

So my wedding plans are already being tarnished as she wants a lavish do. Even the outfit she's planning to wear is a white lace dress. Me, I am just happy to be marrying the one I love and we just don't have the funds for a lavish do. We already have a family and mortgage to pay for, she expects us to save up for the event for 5 years. We could probably get £2000 for next year (work bonus) and I just want to run away from it all and just do it. I've been looking at Vegas, it looks fun and of course the thought of his Mother not being there is very appealing but will cause huge amounts of stress upon our return. I mentioned to her we were thinking of going away to do it because of the cost and as expected, went ballistic- telling me how dare I even consider taking her first born away to be married, she never offered to help financially for her expectations either. OH feels the same wants to be married but without the rows.


So, what should I do? Elope and never hear the last of how evil I am (would that be so bad?) or save hard for years for HER special day? How would you feel if your DS or DD went away to marry?

I should 'man up' but I moved to my partner's hometown miles away from my family and friends so don't really have a support network and she is round our house ALL THE TIME.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give a bit of background.

duchy

I'd go to Vegas Pity you mentioned it to her or you could have just gone on holiday and claimed it was a spur of the moment decision .

I think your boyfriend needs to man up -What on earth is she on about "How dare YOU" plan something .....Why can't he firmly say "SHE didn't WE did"

Whatever you decide to do has to be a joint decision but why the heck would you delay your wedding for five years if you don't want to. (obviously there could be room for compromise eg save for 2 years and have it at home rather than Vegas or five years been the only options)

I hate to think what problems she's going to cause with kids if you don't make a stand at some point though !!!

(Of course if you do go to Vegas you'll probably solve the "she's round our house all the time" issue

Personally I'd go to Vegas-if she's likfe this now -imagine what five years of wedding planning with her will do LOL

Caroline_a

How awful! I had a MiL like this, controlling and bullying and unfortunately I was quite young at the time so allowed a lot of it just to happen. Then I developed a strategy... I said 'uhuh' a lot to her ideas then we did our own thing. I would say that your OH sounds to be reacting in a similar fashion to how my ex did - he let her make the decisions and just went along with everything she suggested unless I made a stand!

As for wearing a white lace dress to your wedding?? isn't the bride supposed to do that?! You do your Vegas/Gretna Green/run away wedding. She'll have to just get over it. Alternatively why don't you arrange a holiday away and then 24 hours before you get married send her a text and say 'crazily decided to get married tomorrow, would be nice if you could get here' with no details etc etc. Then turn phones off **evil laughter**...:rotfl::rotfl:

paulineb_2

Emiloop wrote: »

I have been with my OH for 12 years and we have two children together. Recently he proposed (finally:T) which I am so happy about as we are still very much in love and want to make us 'official'. However, his Mother is the most controlling person I have ever met and has caused many problems throughout our relationship. Examples; she wanted to be at the birth of our first child, we're not exactly close so I didn't feel comfortable about that so we chose not to tell her when I was in labour- 7 years on and she still harks on how evil (yes really!) it was that she missed the birth of her Grandchild. Then came the naming of said child, lets just say all very stressful as it wasn't her chosen name! So on and so on...

It's not just us who suffers her, it's the whole family, her Husband especially, he has left many times and suffered breakdowns. In her mind, she is always right and no one can tell her any different. She's better than everyone- she always puts me and my family down and generally makes me feel like crap. I now realise she ticks all the boxes for NPD so this helps me to not 'bite back' anymore as she really does have a mental disorder and it's not her fault.

So my wedding plans are already being tarnished as she wants a lavish do. Even the outfit she's planning to wear is a white lace dress. Me, I am just happy to be marrying the one I love and we just don't have the funds for a lavish do. We already have a family and mortgage to pay for, she expects us to save up for the event for 5 years. We could probably get £2000 for next year (work bonus) and I just want to run away from it all and just do it. I've been looking at Vegas, it looks fun and of course the thought of his Mother not being there is very appealing but will cause huge amounts of stress upon our return. I mentioned to her we were thinking of going away to do it because of the cost and as expected, went ballistic- telling me how dare I even consider taking her first born away to be married, she never offered to help financially for her expectations either. OH feels the same wants to be married but without the rows.


So, what should I do? Elope and never hear the last of how evil I am (would that be so bad?) or save hard for years for HER special day? How would you feel if your DS or DD went away to marry?

I should 'man up' but I moved to my partner's hometown miles away from my family and friends so don't really have a support network and she is round our house ALL THE TIME.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give a bit of background.

You are even having to ask???????

Her special day? FGS. Go off to vegas and bloody well enjoy yourself, or Gretna or whatever.

And dont let her in your home as often, seriously get her told.

PuzzledDave

If your soon to be husband isn't going to support you, then it's going to be hopeless.

If this was me, the answer is simple: " It's my wedding. "

If this led to tantrums and upsets, then I'd follow up with: "It's my wedding."

If she has further issues, then you can always finish: " You don't have to come along to my wedding if you find it too upsetting." Oh and of course.... "It's my wedding, you are welcome to find some other dope to marry you if you want another go."

Angelinaxoxo

Hey Emiloop,

Firstly, congratulations on your engagement!

Thank God your S.O has a bit of a back bone as it would be a whole other story if he didn't.

If she has NPD she's never going to change, and will always hold unrealistic expectations of you so I wouldn't lose sleep trying to do things to suit her needs, especially if she's not helping you out either.

Go to Vegas and enjoy

She's had her wedding, this is yours!

Emiloop

Thanks for the reply. I don't know why I mentioned it to her, she was just going on about Manor house weddings etc and I was like, well we are thinking about...
In bf's defence, he wasn't there but he is the only one out of her whole family who does stand up to her- even though it's always unsuccessful, whatever he says or does is because I've apparently brainwashed him.
This woman is not one you can reason with. Everyday is already a battle with her. Which is why it's such a dilemma for me.

Emiloop

Wow, thanks for replies. I guess I just need support in my decision and wanted other opinions. Thank you all

It's helping me already!

missprice

As you already mentioned Vegas, take yourselves off to gretna, as a side trip to somewhere else and do the deed there.

However is she even faintly clued up about internet cos you have to book gretna in advance, I think 3 months, and if she looked it up online she would find out.

Otherwise just book a nice cruise or beach hol and get it done there. Don't even have to go abroad, Cornwall, Devon, wales, etc etc

Oh and let her rant on after its done, can't be undone can it.

DKLS

Do what you want to do as a couple, for you and not anyone else.

A colleague was in a similar situation, and we only found out she got married when a week after they returned from holiday they sent a powerpoint to friends and family, It started with nice pic sof the strip, casinos and typical holiday shots, until the last page which was a picture of them getting married by Elvis.

duchy

If you look on the wedding forum I posted a "Vegas on a budget " post- flight hotel and wedding for under £2K a little while ago