My Narcisstic MIL to be

troubleinparadise

OH and I married in the US pretty much on the spur of the moment - it took 48 hours to arrange, and cost less than £100 and a slap up meal for the two of us afterwards... with the rest of the restaurant guests joining in once they realised what we were celebrating - and it was lovely!

No hassle, just the two of us doing what we wanted for us - what getting married is all about really

When we came home, there were a few raised eyebrows from the parents, but we had a party a few months later just like a reception, so all got to dress up, have some speeches, toasts, and too much to eat and drink - but no arguments.

And 25 years later I'm still really glad we did it our way, and for us it was really special

(and under the laws of the state we married in, we could have annulled it within 28 days if we'd wanted, so a handy get-out clause if we'd had second thoughts )

So I'd say try and do what the two of you want, you can't change her and probably whatever you do won't be what she wants (which is actually her own wedding).

Good luck to you - a really difficult person to live with unfortunately!

Emiloop

thorsoak wrote: »

I don't want to hurt her feelings. :eek::eek:

And what about the fact that she is hurting your feelings?

From what I understand about narcissim, those who have this condition can/will never change - so its "my way or the highway" - so turn that back on itself - its your way - or she takes the highway.

Arrange a lovely little holiday/wedding for you and your own little ones, come back and as you have suggested - come back and throw the party!

If she doesn't like it, then hopefully you'll not hear from her too often afterwards!

Thanks. I know, but because she is a part of our everyday lives, it's the aftermath scares me.

maman wrote: »

I think she's going to spoil your day and leave you with a load of debt if you get married here. I'd go to Las Vegas, have a holiday at the same time and enjoy yourselves. Don't even think about inviting people to go with you.

You can have the party back home with the pictures playing. She'll probably ruin that too but at least you'll have your lovely day to look back on.

Any money saved, I'd put towards moving house!

Exactly. Why should my children miss out on things for years while we save up for a one day event- madness. Moving house made me lol. It's definitely on the 'to do list' in a couple of years!

Errata

As I said, ignore her, or agree with every word she says and then please yourself what you do. Whatever you do will be wrong.

Emiloop

Desperado99 wrote: »

Quick question (I'm totally for you going away to do it BTW) how likely is it she'll invite herself on a destination wedding?

I wouldn't want you to find yourself stuck somewhere romantic with her for company for 2 weeks

I'd do a complete elopement thing...... off to Gretna, no-one knows but you two and your kids.

Very likely! That's the thing, she has money so can afford to go wherever but my family cannot. So it has to be an everyone is there or no family and we just go and do it.

duchy

Present her with a quotation for a local wedding venue (up to her high standards so mega money) and ask her how much she's contributing

Emiloop

Thank you everyone for your help and advice. I was trying to reply to you all individually but I can't figure this multi quote! I know what I want/have to do but I am also dreading the outcome. Thanks again for your kind words x

silverwhistle

Emiloop wrote: »

Examples; she wanted to be at the birth of our first child, we're not exactly close so I didn't feel comfortable about that so we chose not to tell her when I was in labour- 7 years on and she still harks on how evil (yes really!) it was that she missed the birth of her Grandchild.

Perhaps you could offer her the opportunity to be in on the conception of the third?

Anyway, your desire not to upset is creditable, but you're on a loser there as everybody else has commented.

My own choice would be Gretna, then on to the airport and a romantic time in Florence and Venice, but there's so many exciting honeymoons you could have. Wherever you go, relax and enjoy it, and all your true friends will be so pleased for you.

Emiloop

hazyjo wrote: »

Get married. Don't even tell her your married. Is there anyone in your OH's family who would even need to know?

Then plan away. Say you can't afford it and will take her sage advice and do it in five years' time. Five years can easily become 10 years

Jx
PS evil streak - but how old is she?! :devil:

We didn't tell her I was pregnant for 5 months through fear of her interfering. Yes she went crazy about it. I wouldn't want to lie and I'd be too excited to keep my mouth shut. We live in a small community so I'm sure she'd find out.

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

Present her with a quotation for a local wedding venue (up to her high standards so mega money) and ask her how much she's contributing

If she has money, she'll love that - being a financial contributor will give her control over how things are done.

The only way to make it your day is to go away on holiday, get married while you're there and tell everyone afterwards.

Emiloop

flippin36 wrote: »

Hi OP thought this forum might be useful for you.



I too have a N MIL and this website really gave me some excellent advice on how to handle difficult situations from people who have gone through the exact same things you describe. It's a real eye opener!

Thank you. I'll certainly be having a read over there later